End Within the End
When Gautam woke up to Sneha's death in dismay, impelled by their paradoxical togetherness, he felt like following suit. But as the love of life infused hope in him, the pity he felt for her made him guilty, letting him wonder whether he deserved to live at all. And that made him feel remorseful no end.
‘Having pulled her into my life, oh, how did I push her towards her death?’ he cried in pain. ‘Why did I seduce her soul with the lure of the lucre? Didn’t she pay the price for my ambition with her body and soul as well, in life and death? Why didn’t she make her intent to die privy to me? Had she lost faith in me, after all? How else could she believe I would be better off without her? If only she knew how I feel for her! But then, where was the time for our togetherness, busy as we were chasing the mirage of wealth? What trophy had we won in the rat race of life?
‘What else to expect after that fatal decision?’ he went into a reminiscent mode. ‘Why did the devil prompt me to make that deal with that son of a bitch? How did fate trick us into our own undoing? Or was it a test of my character? What a shame that I prompted her to prostitute herself! It was as if I had turned her into a sex ladder to reach the nadir. How naïve I was to believe that we would be able to put all that behind us, and that life would be a sonorous song of married bliss. But then, how could I blame her if she lost her sexual balance in the process. Why, had it not affected my own sensitivity? Oh, how we lost out together! Didn’t we realize soon enough that at its core, our make-believe world was hollow? How stupidly we tried to fill our emptiness with sexual newness! Wonder how we went about it as though by an agreement though we never discussed it? At least, we clung to each other mechanically, but now it’s as if the coupling to the driving end itself got severed. Well, owing to the fatigue of our life, isn’t it?’
‘But could it have been any different?’ he tried to analyze their life in the rewind. ‘What was the starting point anyway? Was it not the moment I sent her to that brat? Didn’t I feel then as if she took away my soul with her? Didn’t I deserve it? Or did I really care for all that? But, didn’t she herself have an axe to grind with for her family? Whatever it was, oh, how confused she looked as she came back! And how empty I felt receiving her! What an empathy I felt for her as I took her into my arms. How I wanted to assure her of my eternal love. But, lo, having hugged her tight, didn’t I gauge the gulf between us? When my remorse made me crunch her closer, didn’t I feel the rough of the invisible between us?’