As the picture presented by her rationale as his neglected wife did not appeal to her, her love sought to envisage her life as his fulfilled woman. ‘Well, that way, could anything be guaranteed in life?’ she contemplated. ‘If he were to get worse, for the old times sake, wouldn’t he be considerate to me? I’m sure he would.’
When it occurred to her that she was building castles in the air she thought, depressed with that idea, ‘In my flight of fancy, am I am placing the cart before the horse, so it seems. Why should he want to marry me at all? Won’t his social status erect a barrier between our love and our marriage? Why, his attraction for me could be but a transient distraction for him. Who knows, he might like to opt for one from his own class! Would there be any dearth of brides for him? If not out of love, at least for his wealth, won’t women line up to tie the knot with him?’
However, unable to reconcile to the thought of losing him, she turned again to hope for her solace.
‘But, guruji could be thinking in terms of making me his daughter-in-law,’ she thought. ‘Looks like, he feels I would be the right wife for his son. If not, what was the need for him to expose his embarrassing life to me! Besides, wasn't he treating me like his own daughter all these years? Well, he would get us married, that is for sure. But, why am I desperate to marry him? Am I coveting his wealth in the guise of love?’
As the thought made her disconcerted, she probed her mind to find the truth.
‘Oh, won’t I know coveting wealth is neither the grain of my nature nor a streak of my character?’ she began the self-analysis. ‘What is wealth for, if it is not to idle away? And can I ever imagine a moment without being active, to be happy? Oh me, would I ever want to live in idle luxury? No, never. I love him and value him, and that could be behind my craving for sharing life with him. If I were destined to marry him, I would strive to keep him on the philanthropic course he has set for himself. Well, I too would be able to contribute a bit with my dance performances. Life with him should be fulfilling as well as purposeful, not to speak of the excitement our lovemaking would ensure. Above all else, I love to be with the man I have come to adore.’