On the car ride from Jersey to the hotel, I started thinking about maybe proposing to her again tonight. I knew she could tell something was off with me from the way she was looking at me in the hotel elevator. My doubts had gotten the best of me. I had myself convinced she’d only say no again and couldn’t bear to hear it one more time. Not to mention, I vowed never to ask her again. So, I made a decision to hold off, and that put me in a shitty mood because I wanted nothing more than to hear Nina say she’d be my wife. I wanted it for A.J., but mostly on a selfish level, I needed to know that she belonged to me in every way.
Just when my mind had calmed down a bit from overthinking everything, she came out of that shower gripping her towel closed so tightly you would have thought I was a grizzly bear. That was when I cracked because it felt like a major step back, like any minute she was going to be telling me not to touch her again.
That would have killed me.
When I saw how badly she seemed to want me, I knew I had overreacted. But by that time, my desperation for her was so strong, I had to just take a step backwards and cool down. If I gave in to that kind of sexual energy, fueled by anger and frustration, I knew I would have been too aggressive. Given how vulnerable she was lately, I needed to get a grip before I scared her away for good.
When I got out of the shower, she was still in the other room feeding A.J., and I was sitting on the bed, staring at the closed door, thinking that I wouldn’t have blamed her if she never came back out. I could only imagine what she was thinking now that she had time to ponder my f**ked up behavior.
When the door opened about ten minutes later, it had felt like I had been waiting forever. I sat up straighter on the bed as she walked toward me, and without hesitation, she unbuttoned her pajama top throwing it on the ground. She then slipped out of her underwear and threw them behind her. She was now standing before me completely na**d. It took all of my willpower not to touch her, but something told me to wait, that she was in the driver’s seat.
Her chest was rising, and I could tell she was still uncomfortable with her body being exposed, but she was going with it…for me.
I caressed her milky skin with the back of my hand. “I just got scared, baby. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for something I created. I did that to you, Jake. I lost my way because of my crazy hormones, and in the midst of it, I forgot the most important thing: that I belong to you and that nothing is more important than making sure you know you’re loved by me. I will never treat you that way again.”
“I was being insecure and impatient. You couldn’t help it. You were sick. I—”
“I handled it wrong. I ran away from you instead of toward you. I made you insecure about us. Your reaction to my covering myself tonight…it didn’t upset me; it’s proof of how much you love me.” She looked away almost hesitant to continue, then said, “You know what? I have insecurities, too. Since, we’re being honest…I hate that I have to give you up to Ivy on Saturdays. I get jealous. I never tell you that, because you’re doing the right thing, and it’s hard enough for you. Even though I know you don’t love her the same way, it still makes me uneasy because I don’t want to share you. I know how desperate my love for you can make me feel sometimes. So, that’s how I know that your reaction today was just because of how much you love me.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I was bursting at the seams in more ways than one. She was still standing over me when I pulled her na**d body toward me. She straddled me as I continued to sit up on the edge of the bed. I had already been hard from just looking at her, but now that she was on top of me, I was about to explode.
My head was down, buried in her golden hair that smelled like the coconut hotel shampoo. I spoke over her skin. “Of all the times I thought I had lost you, nothing has been scarier than the past couple of months. I am still f**king terrified you’re gonna tell me any minute not to touch you again.”
“That wasn’t really me, Jake. Look at me.” She put both of her hands on my head and lifted my face to hers. Her eyes were watery. “I am feeling better. This…is me. Coming out of a depression in some ways is like being born again into a better life. If you can make it through the worst, you appreciate everything you hold dear, so much more. It’s like the sun after a rainstorm. I can’t promise that the darkness won’t ever strike again, but I know how to identify it now and learned how to handle it. One thing I am sure of, is that I will never push you away like that again…ever. You and A.J. are my world. I am sorry if I made you suffer along with me.”
“Don’t you get it, Nina? I can handle suffering with you, baby. Isn’t that how we started…my holding your hand through everything? I want to spend the rest of my life doing that. I’d go through hell and back over and over for you. It’s losing you I can’t bear. When you hide from me, when you tell me not to touch you, it scares me. I’ll suffer with you any day, as long as you let me love you.”
A tear fell down her cheek, and I ran my tongue over it, licking it away. “Don’t cry,” I whispered. “It hurts me when you cry. I love you so much.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I need you to believe that,” she said.
There were no further words necessary. I could feel her heart beating through her chest, and with every ounce of my being, I knew she meant everything she said. In the same way I could always feel her pain, I felt her love for me pouring through her soul at that moment.
I wanted to show her in the way I knew best, how much I loved her, too.
CHAPTER 33
NINA
Jake kissed away the last of my tears then looked up at me. The hunger in his eyes from earlier had returned. “I don’t want to talk anymore,” he said.
Good. Neither did I.
Between our getting interrupted this morning, to my longing for him while he visited his ex-wife and then his leaving me in the bathroom tonight…I was overstimulated.
It didn’t help that he looked beyond incredible with his chin scruff and tousled grown out hair. I looked down at the contrast between my white skin and his tanned tattooed arms wrapped around my waist. They were three shades darker due to his working out in the sun lately.
And this beautiful man belonged to me.
He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it. It was always bittersweet to see my name inked around his finger, a symbol of an unreturned commitment born out of a nasty fight. How could I have turned him down when he had asked me to marry him? The life I had before he came along was empty, consumed by fear of the future and past regrets. Meaningless. Being with Jake was always about living in the present. Our lives weren’t perfect, but he was perfect…for me.
I was still straddling him when he flipped me over onto the bed so that I was lying on my back. He hovered over me and his smile faded when he realized I had tears in my eyes again.
I was crying because of how much I loved him, plain and simple. Before he said anything, I ran my fingers through his hair and said. “They’re happy tears.”
“Okay.” He smiled. “I want you to relax now, baby. I am going to make you forget all of the pain of the past couple of months. It’s just you and me and this moment. I want you to get lost in me. Can you do that?”
I bit my bottom lip in anticipation, as he lowered his head and devoured my mouth with his. I teasingly nipped at his tongue ring, and he groaned playfully.
“Do that again. Bite my tongue like that, but do it harder, pull on the barbell. It f**king turns me on when you bite me,” he said.
I kept locking his tongue in with my teeth, and he growled each time I did it. We couldn’t get enough of each other, smiling, laughing, teasing. It was heaven.
When he began sucking my nipples, the sensation was overwhelming. We would laugh every time milk would come pouring out, and then he would lick it away. “Mmm…so sweet, just like you are,” he said.
He kissed his way down my body and if the need I harbored for him all day was like a controlled burn between my legs, then his hot wet mouth coming down on my cl*twas the gasoline. The cold metal of his ring sent a shockwave through me. He circled his tongue slowly around my folds while his fingers moved in and out of me. He moaned in ecstasy, enjoying giving me pleasure as much as I loved receiving it. I had my hands on his head, guiding his mouth over me.
“Pull my hair harder,” he said, and I complied. “Harder,” he repeated.
He was driving me mad.
After a few minutes, he kissed his way back up to my mouth and I pushed his boxers down. “I want you inside of me…now.”
He continued kissing me, ignoring my pleas, his slick c**k rubbing against my stomach. My need for him was immense. I lowered my hand and started to jerk him off, but he took my hand away. “Uh-uh,” he said, smiling over my mouth as we kissed.
He then kneeled above me and stuck his fingers back inside of me, closing his eyes and breathing out slowly. His wet hair was falling over his forehead as he looked down at me and let out a long breath that I felt on my stomach.
“Fuck…you’re so wet.” With his eyes fixed on me, he kept moving his fingers in and out before withdrawing them and licking each one and I almost came from watching him.
“I can never get enough of how you taste.” He licked his lips. “Turn over.”
I rolled over onto my knees, expecting him to finally give in. Instead, he continued to finger me. “Jake…please…I want you so badly.”
“Believe me. You’ll get me.” He slowed down the movements of his fingers, and the level of need was getting almost painful.
He took his other hand and moved my head to the side, pulling my hair back to kiss me, groaning into my mouth.
He removed his fingers. I was throbbing as he rubbed my ass gently with both hands. “I used to fantasize about this spectacular ass…the things I would do to it. I never imagined it would belong to me someday.” He slapped it once playfully, then squeezed my cheeks together. “You’re a dream. Turn back around.”
“You’re killing me,” I said pulling him down onto me and kissing him.
“How do you want me, baby?” he asked.
I knew what he wanted, and if there was any night I wanted to give it to him, it was tonight. “I want to ride you.”
He nodded, out of breath, and I could see from the look in his eyes, that he was pleased with my answer. He moved onto his back and held his c**k in his hand, stroking it.
I wanted to give him some of his own medicine, so I lightly brushed my opening over his tip. His mouth trembled as he watched my every move and when I abruptly sat down on him, he let out a loud grunt that I was sure would wake the baby. He was now deep inside me and I began to grind my h*ps over him.
He grabbed my sides. “Shit…you’re gonna make me come…slow down.” Our eyes locked, and my hair had fallen over my chest. “Move your hair back, I want see your beautiful tits move while you ride me.”
After a few minutes, I felt his body start to quake, and I knew he was losing control. “I need to come, baby. Come for me…so I can let go,” he said.
He looked into my eyes the moment my muscles tightened around him. He always knew exactly when I was coming. At that moment, his mouth opened to a silent cry as he pushed me down harder over his hot release.
Yeah. He was definitely worth the wait.
CHAPTER 34
The next morning, I woke up to two boys with messy dark bed head lying next to me. A.J. was on his Daddy’s chest, sucking on Jake’s pinky finger.
Jake handed him over to me. “He was hungry, so I gave him some oatmeal. It’s not quite cutting it, but I wanted to let you sleep a little more.”
A.J immediately latched on. “Ow…easy, buddy.”
Jake laughed. “Daddy was a little rough on those last night.”
“Mommy likes it rough.”
Jake lifted his brow. “Does she, now?”
We smiled at each other, both still sleepy but sated after last night.
Jake kissed my forehead. “What are our plans for today?”
“I told Daria and Tarah I’d meet up with them for coffee before we head back tonight.”
“Okay. Why don’t you pump me a bottle for him, and I’ll take A.J this afternoon, so you can have some alone time with your friends.
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Yeah…but just a couple of hours. There’s somewhere I want to take you before we leave the city.”
***
After my alone time, Jake asked me to meet him on 32nd Street because we planned to have dinner at one of the Korean restaurants there.
He hadn’t noticed me yet as I was approaching them. He looked so handsome leaning against a brick wall, his disheveled hair under a Red Sox cap. He had A.J. in the carrier on his chest and my heart melted when he kissed our son on the head, not realizing I was watching them.
“Hey, guys.”
A.J. started flailing his little arms and feet excitedly at the sight of me.
“Hey, Momma. We missed you,” Jake said before kissing me passionately in the middle of the busy sidewalk.
“I missed you guys, too.”
After a stop in a department store so that I could nurse A.J. in a dressing room, we enjoyed a delicious dinner of Kimchi Fried Rice and Noodle Soup.
As we exited the restaurant, I turned to Jake. “Where are we going now?”
“You’ll see.” He flashed me a devious smile, and the way he said it reminded me of our old fear expeditions.
We kept walking until he stopped…right in front of the Empire State Building.
“Jake…what are we doing?” I asked nervously. “I don’t want to go up there right now.”