“I can’t do this, Jake. I don’t want to talk anymore.” She started to get up, but I stopped her.
“Ivy, I have to finish saying what I need to say. This is important. I need you to listen to me.”
She reluctantly sat back down. “I know where this is going.”
“None of this is your fault, baby girl…none of it. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. You’re a courageous soul and have a cross to bear, but you do not have to carry it alone. I’ll continue to make sure of that.”
She was looking down when she said, “You’re leaving me. You said you’d never leave me!”
“I never wanted to let you see me breaking. You have enough on your plate. But the truth is, I have been lonely and broken for a long time. I didn’t even know how depressed I really was, until I met someone who brought me out of it.”
She turned and looked at me like those words had assaulted her. The sadness in her eyes was palpable, but I had to continue. There was no going back now.
“I fell in love with someone. I never meant to, and I tried hard to avoid relationships with other people because I wanted to be able give you everything I had. You deserve that. But we haven’t had a real marriage for years. I am not sure we ever really had a chance at that. I’ve wanted to make sure I could still support you, so I never considered ending our marriage legally.”
“You’re…you’re divorcing me?”
“I have taken the steps to file for divorce, yes. Believe me when I say this is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. I met someone I love deeply. I don’t want to keep that from you anymore. It’s certainly not fair to stay married to you under the circumstances. I’m ending our marriage legally, but I am not leaving you. I’ll never abandon you, Ivy.”
She shook her head repeatedly and licked the tears that fell into her mouth when she said, “You say that now.” She pushed me and repeated, “You say that now! Leave. Just go.”
My eyes were welling up, but I tried to remain strong and continued with what I had planned to say. “I will always make sure you are safe. I will make sure you have health insurance, even if I have to pay for it myself. I—”
“Leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
It felt like she was punching me in the gut. The house monitor would probably come outside any minute if she screamed again.
I spoke louder to get through to her. “I am swearing to you that I will not abandon you for as long as I live. I will always be there for you when you need me. Please try not to hate me. I will always love you.”
She was rocking back and forth on the swing with her head down and her hands shaking. It was killing me, but what did I expect? I was all she f**king had. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, but I knew she wouldn’t want that.
“Get out of here before I call someone,” she said.
I stood up and walked toward the inside door, then turned back around wanting to convince her that nothing would change. “I’ll see you this weekend, as always, Ivy.”
She stayed rocking on the swing as I walked away, feeling like I had just gotten run over by a train.
CHAPTER 26
I spent the next couple of days of that week meeting with lawyers and social workers, determined to make sure that Ivy was going to be okay. I was told that even after a divorce, I could still be her conservator and maintain power of attorney unless in her right mind, she objected. I still had to figure out a new long-term insurance plan for her and had filled out some applications for state aid. It was a long and grueling week.
When I returned to the group home the following Saturday morning, Ivy was standing up staring at the clock on the wall. The one picture of us that she had on her chest of drawers was cracked; she must have thrown it the other night in her anger at me.
“Ivy?”
She didn’t respond and never took her eyes off the wall as she bounced back and forth between her toes and heels.
I sat at the edge of her bed and rubbed my eyes in frustration, wondering if she recalled everything clearly from the other night. I hoped she at least remembered that I told her I would never abandon her.
When my eyes wandered to the corner of the room, my heart dropped when I noticed the strings of her Gibson guitar had been plucked off and mangled. I walked over to it and when I picked it up, my heart felt like it had been ripped apart, too.
“I’ll get this fixed, baby girl,” I whispered, “I’ll fix it. I’m sorry.”
She was counting to herself when I looked over at her. I felt helpless.
Her social worker walked in at that moment. “Jake?”
I turned toward the door. “Hi, Gina.”
She looked over at Ivy. “Hi, beautiful.” Still in a catatonic state, Ivy ignored her.
Gina and I walked out to the hall, and she whispered, “They told me that she threw a fit the other night, throwing things around her room and threatening some of the staff if they went near her. It wasn’t quite bad enough for a hospitalization, but they asked me to check in on her every day this week.”
“Thank you, Gina. Thank you so much.”
“It’s my job.” She smiled, searching my eyes. “How are you holding up? Are you okay?”
She knew about the talk I had with Ivy and my filing for divorce. I was sure I looked like shit. I hadn’t shaved all week and slept like ass.
“Honestly? Not really. I’ve been dreading this for five years. I don’t want to push her into an even worse state. I could never live with myself if anything happened to her.”
“Do you know how many of these situations I walk into everyday where the person has absolutely no one looking after them? I haven’t seen one spouse in your situation who has stayed as long as you have, certainly not one your age.”
“I’ll always look out for her.”
“You’re a good man, Jake.”
I wanted to believe that, but the guilt had only just begun to eat away at me.
***
That Saturday night, back at my sister’s house, I closed the door to my room and called Nina. She had just arrived at her parents’ house in upstate New York for spring break. She’d be there all week until the following Sunday.
We last spoke on the phone a few nights ago right after I told Ivy about the divorce. I was extremely sad after I left the group home. Nina stayed on the phone with me for hours, just listening to me vent about everything that had happened. It was a relief that I didn’t have to keep any part of my life from her anymore. Toward the end of the call, she told me she loved me. It was the first time she had said it since finding out about Ivy. It was only then that I was able to let her off the phone and fall asleep. It was the first good night’s sleep I had in a while.
When I called her tonight, though, I needed so much more than her reassurance. I missed her so f**king much and felt like I was going to lose it if I couldn’t be with her soon. Even though we had been talking on the phone, it had been several weeks since we had seen each other. The need to be with her physically was becoming unbearable. I wanted to show her just how badly I needed her.
“What are you doing right now?” I asked.
“I just finished the dishes, a typical exciting night here at home here in the boonies. How are you?”
“I miss you.”
“That’s funny because I was just thinking about how much I miss you.”
I closed my eyes wishing more than anything that she was with me. “Well, I was just thinking about how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” She paused then said, “You know that, right? I feel like things have been so stressful lately and I haven’t said it much, but that’s never gone away, Jake, not even for a second.”
I was going to explode.
“Can you go into your room?”
“Yes. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just want to make sure you’re alone.”
“Hold on. I’m walking to my room.” The phone made a staticky sound as she walked. “Okay, I’m here.”
“Close the door and lock it.”
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yeah, baby, I am. There is just something I really need to show you right now.”
“The door is closed. What’s going on?”
I let out a deep breath into the phone and made myself comfortable on the bed. I hoped she would play along with me. “You locked it?”
“Yes.”
“How much do you miss me?”
“I feel like I can’t keep staying away from you. I’ve really tried to do the right thing, but—”
“I would give anything to bury myself inside you right now, Nina.”
“I am pretty sure I’d let you tonight.”
“Fuck. I wish you were here. I’m lying down. Are you lying down?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
From the sound of her voice, I knew she was on board and had figured out where I was going with this.
“Close your eyes.”
“Okay…closed.”
“Pretend I am there with you right now, baby. Can you feel me?”
She whispered. “Yes.”
“Take off your underwear.”
“I’m not wearing any.”
“Say what?”
“I’m wearing a dress.”
“With no underwear?”
She giggled. “Yeah.”
Well, shit.
“Fuck…lift up your dress, then,” I said gruffly.
“Okay…”
“Promise me something.”
“Yes.”
“You won’t touch yourself.”
“What?”
“You will not touch yourself…until I tell you. Okay? Can you do that?”
She breathed heavily into the phone. “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
I knew she was telling the truth. Nina was honest to a fault.
“Spread your legs open for me.”
“Okay…”
“Wider.”
“Alright.”
“I’m going to lick all the way down your body now. Can you feel my tongue? It’s at the base of your neck, and I’m slowly…going down.”
It felt like her breathing was penetrating the phone. “Uh-huh.”
“Lift one of your br**sts to your mouth and lick it. Pretend I’m doing it to you.”
She didn’t say anything, but I could hear the sound of her tongue lapping against her own skin, and I nearly came from it. I closed my eyes and tried to bring myself back from the brink.
“I’m licking in between your tits, going lower. I have my thumb on your cl*twhile I am kissing your stomach, and I can’t wait to taste you.”
Nina sighed again but wasn’t saying anything.
“Are you turned on right now?”
“Yes,” she breathed out.
“I know. I can practically taste it from where I am. My mouth is watering. Can I devour you?”
Her breathing became heavier. “Mmm-hmm.”
“I am moving my tongue up and down your cl*tnow. Shit…you taste so sweet. Does that feel good?”
“Yeah.”
“Where are your hands?”
She let out a slight laugh. “Clutching my sheets for dear life.”
“Good. Keep them there while I tease you with my tongue ring. You like it when I flick it hard over your clit, don’t you?” I smiled to myself. I knew she loved that.
“Oh…God.”
I was so turned on but vowed to not touch myself either. It was extremely hard…and I was harder.
“Do you want me inside of you?”
“Yes…very much.”
“I am going to rub my c**k against your opening now. Are you ready, Nina?”
“Yes…I am so wet.”
“Yeah, I know you are. I can feel it now as I am rubbing my tip against you.”
“Jake…”
“I don’t know who’s wetter right now, you or me. Open your legs wider,” I commanded.
“I need to touch myself, Jake.”
“Not yet. Just a little longer, baby.”
“Ugh.” She sighed in frustration.
“How much do you want me inside of you?”
“More than anything…so badly.”
“My dick is so hard right now. I need to f**k you.”
“Please…fuck me.”
“Do you want to touch yourself while I do it?”
“Yes…yes…please…now.”
“I’m gonna f**k you a little first, and then I’ll tell you when it’s okay.”
“Now.”
“Not yet.”
“Please.”
“I’m entering you now. Can you feel me filling you?”
“Yes…yes.”
“I’m balls deep now. Shit…you feel incredible.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I unzipped my pants and started stroking my cock.
“Jake…I need to touch myself.”
“Do you feel that, Nina? How much you want it…like you’d die for it? That…that…is what I wanted to show you…how I feel when I can’t touch you and when you tell me I can’t have you. I never want to feel that again.”
I jerked myself off faster knowing she was going to lose it. I wanted to come the moment she did. “Touch yourself now…now.”
Her breathing became rapid, and I knew she was finally satisfying the need with her fingers. My own need to come was overpowering. When I heard her scream out, I finally let go and came instantly. “Fuck,” I groaned. “I love you, Nina. I love you so f**king much.”