“I would never expect you to abandon her, Jake. That’s horrible. I hope you didn’t think that’s what I meant when I asked if you were going to stay married.”
Thank God.
“I didn’t think that. I am glad you understand.”
She continued. “But I just can’t be with you if you are married. I can’t sleep with a married man.”
Fuck. Where was this going?
“I don’t consider myself committed to her in that way anymore. There would be no marriage if it weren’t for my wanting to be able to make sure she is cared for. I can understand your point, though. I am still legally married to someone else.”
Just be with me, Nina.
She let out a deep sigh. “Daria asked me to move in with her. This is an extra room, and she had been looking for a roommate anyway. I think it’s best if we live apart while we try to figure things out.”
No. I can’t f**king live without you.
“Okay. If that’s what you need.”
It felt like I was losing her.
“I am still in shock, okay? I need some time to let this set in.”
You said you’d never leave me.
I put my hand on her knee as my chest tightened in agony. “Anything you need.”
CHAPTER 24
I fell into a deep depression over the next couple of weeks. Nina moved the rest of her stuff out, and the new semester had just started, so I hadn’t seen her much.
We met in a park to talk one afternoon. She seemed disconnected and wasn’t making much eye contact when I answered some questions she had. She asked me again exactly how long it had been since I had been intimate with Ivy and how many women I had slept with since. She was fidgety and seemed distressed. I was honest with her about everything, but it felt like we had taken a step backwards.
I went home that night pissed at life and ended up punching a hole through the wall in my room. The clincher was, after seeing her, I felt more in love with her than ever. That desperate need to take away the darkness that had returned to her eyes was overwhelming me. I had been dying to touch her as she sat across from me on that bench. She was wearing a white wool coat and looked like a snow angel, her nose and cheeks rosy from the cold air.
That was over a week ago. Now, I couldn’t even walk by her empty room without getting angry. One night, I lay down on her stripped mattress, staring at the ceiling and wallowing in the memories of our first and last night together in this room. I opened her bedside drawer and slammed it shut out of frustration after finding every single paper bat I ever made her.
Mostly, I was mad at myself because I hadn’t grown the balls to confront Ivy about a divorce. The timing was bad because she had just started that new risky medication. I was hoping that if it gave her some clarity, it would make it easier to explain everything to her. So, I was waiting, but it hadn’t kicked in yet. We had no guarantees that it ever would, especially when nothing had ever worked for her.
The more days that passed, the more afraid I was that Nina was going to move on and realize that she was too good for me and all of my baggage. I had asked her to wait for me, but how realistic was that when I had no idea how long a divorce would take? That as**ole Ryan was probably planning another blind date for her as we speak. I knew in my gut he was working against me. I needed to keep an eye on him.
One Thursday afternoon, I told my boss I was going home sick, but really, I was sick over Nina. I walked around the city aimlessly until I decided I just needed to go to her. I hopped the next train back to Brooklyn, unsure of what I was going to say or do. I needed to know where things stood. And I just wanted to see her, bury my nose in her hair and tell her that I loved her. It was her day off from school, so I was counting on her being there.
After buzzing the doorbell several times, there was no answer at her apartment. Desperate, I even climbed up the fire escape on the off chance she was in her room and didn’t hear me ringing. Her window shade was down. I knocked on the window, but she wasn’t there. I sent her a text.
I really need to see you.
I got no response after five minutes of waiting outside her doorstep.
My mind went crazy wondering where she could be, at one point, imagining that she was out with another guy. A jealous insecurity like I had never felt in my life started brewing inside me. I sent her another text:
Where are you right now?
When there was still no reply, I threw my phone, and the screen cracked.
Fuck.
***
When I got back to my apartment, thankfully, my roommates weren’t home since it was still late afternoon. Ryan made no secret of the fact that he didn’t want me with Nina, so he and I avoided each other. I pretty much kept out of the living area entirely when he was home. I was never quite sure which team Tarah was on.
When I opened the door to my bedroom, my entire body shuddered in shock.
The sight of beautiful blonde hair cascading down the side of my bed stopped me in my tracks.
She was sleeping in my bed.
Nina was out like a light, her body rising and falling slowly with each breath. I stood frozen a few feet away, not wanting to wake her.
I noticed her phone on my desk, with the lit up notification of my texts. She wasn’t ignoring me; she was asleep…in my bed…the entire time.
My heart filled with love and my body with desire as I sat down next to the bed, taking in her beautiful silhouette curled up on top of my comforter. With each passing minute, I became more and more tempted to curl up beside her and hold her, but I stayed back, afraid if I woke her, she’d leave.
I thought back to the other night when I could have sworn I smelled her on my pillow. I had assumed it was my imagination playing tricks on me. I laughed to myself now, realizing the probability was good that she had actually been in my bed that day. She was always a little sneak.
I loved her so much it hurt.
After about ten minutes, her body stirred and her eyes opened. When she noticed me sitting there, she jumped.
Her eyes were groggy. “Jake…I’m sorry, I—”
“Shh. Baby, it’s okay. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you sleep in my bed when I am in work. It means you’re thinking about me, and I can’t stop f**king thinking about you. I had to leave early today, because I couldn’t focus. I went to your apartment. If I had known you were here…”
She scooted up against the headboard. “I still have my key, so sometimes I come here.”
I reached my hand over to cup her cheek. She closed her eyes when I rubbed my thumb across her face. She started to tear up. I was going to lose it. Anytime she cried because of me, it felt like getting stabbed in the chest.
I climbed onto the bed and placed my face on her stomach, afraid she’d resist, but she didn’t. Instead, she caressed my hair with her soft fingertips. This was exactly the comfort and reassurance I needed, what I had been desperately searching for today. A firestorm of emotions that had been dormant for years erupted inside of me, and I cried for the first time in my adult life. It felt like the weight of the past six years was finally crushing me, and the core of her body was the only place I felt safe enough to let go.
My shoulders shook over and over as I buried my face into her, my tears soaking through the thin fabric of her shirt. She held me closer, and I could hear her crying too. In that moment, I realized the depth of her love for me; I just worried whether love would be enough to conquer the lack of trust that now existed.
When my tears stopped, I sniffled and kept my head on her stomach. I couldn’t resist moving my mouth over her skin. She let out a soft moan that my dick felt instantly. The need to be inside her grew by the second. I began to kiss her stomach more urgently, grazing her with my teeth, nearly ripping her shirt as I pulled at the material.
I knew she was conflicted and could tell she was tensing up. I understood why. Nina was very literal and saw the situation as cut and dry. In her eyes, I was a married man, off limits. In my mind, a piece of paper couldn’t dictate who owned my heart. And she owned me in every way that mattered.
Despite her reservations, I also knew that I had a strong physical effect on her. It’s why she’d been staying away from me these past few weeks. Her body reacted to me from the very first moment I met her. She would always buckle under me with the slightest touch. That’s always made me crazy. If I kept touching her like this, it wasn’t a question of whether she would give into me today but when. I just needed to decide whether I would push, knowing that she had asked me for space.
I started to kiss lower and could almost taste her.
Fuck space.
I needed her like my life depended on it, to carry me through the next few weeks, which were going to be the most difficult of my life. Because that cry I just had confirmed what I already knew. I would be going through with telling Ivy about the divorce, because Nina was the love of my life, and I couldn’t live a second longer without her.
In an instant, my mouth went lower, and I began to devour her over the material of her yoga pants. She panted, thrusting her h*ps to meet my mouth.
We were on the same page now.
I pulled her pants and underwear down together slowly, and her breathing became even heavier when my tongue found her bare clit. I knew she loved when I flicked my tongue ring over it fast and repeatedly. I moaned into her. Her legs were restless, and I swore I could taste that she was going to come and within seconds, she did. When she screamed out, I thought my c**k was going to burst out of my pants.
I moved up to kiss her, slipping my tongue inside her mouth hungrily, as we grinded against each other. I could feel how wet she was through my clothes. I lifted her shirt off and pulled her bra down, taking turns sucking on each of her beautiful light pink nipples. God, her tits were gorgeous. I squeezed them together and licked up and down the middle of them.
I was in heaven again for the first time since the night we made love.
Today felt different though. I had been calm that first time and wanted to take my time pleasing her so that she would never forget it. But right now, I was starving, feeling selfish, needy and out of control. I was dying to be inside of her and needed to know that she still trusted me enough to let me.
When she put her hands on my ass, I unzipped my jeans and pulled my boxers down, rubbing my rock hard c**k against her slick opening. I had meant to just tease her at first, but within seconds, I was fully inside of her raw. The feeling was indescribable.
With every movement, I felt like I was claiming her. That was what I wanted to believe. Because I couldn’t survive the thought of any other man so much as touching her. That thought made me crazy, and I f**ked her harder, bending her legs back as far as they would go so that I could get deeper inside. I sucked on her neck and squeezed her ass hard, wanting to brand her with my hands and mouth, too.
With each movement, I growled in her ear.
“My body belongs to you.”
“My heart belongs to you.”
“My soul belongs to you.”
“Only to you.”
My thrusts got harder with each word. “Do…you…understand…me?”
I abruptly stopped moving when she didn’t answer me, pulling her face toward mine and searching her eyes. “Do you?”
She nodded, breathing heavily and looked like she was about to cry again.
“Say it.”
She panted and pulled me into her. “Yes. I understand.”
I f**ked her even harder. I felt the moment her muscles contracted, and when she screamed out in pleasure, I let myself go. “All of you belongs to me, Nina…to no one else…ever,” I said as I exploded inside of her.
My dick throbbed in place for what seemed like several minutes. In my head, I had been marking what was mine but started to feel terrified of losing her again, the second I pulled out of her.
“I love you so much,” I whispered in her ear.
She didn’t say anything. I immediately became worried that I had been too rough with her. We lay for a while together in silence before I stood up and reached out my hand. She grabbed it and silently followed me into the bathroom.
Turning on the shower, I held her up against me and kissed her back slowly as we waited for the water to warm.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
“Yes,” she said leaning the back of her neck against my mouth.
“Was that too much for you?”
She shook her head no and pushed her ass up against me. Jesus. I was hard again as I pulled her into the steamy shower.
Under the water, another primal urge to take her started to build inside me. I knew I needed to control myself this time and slow things down.
I added some soap to a sponge and slowly washed her from head to toe, taking my time over the contours of her body and especially between her legs.
She grabbed the sponge from me, adding more soap and moved it slowly over my body, kissing my chest as she stroked my c**k before dropping the sponge to the ground. She bent down and licked slowly over the tip teasingly as she looked up at me. When she swallowed me whole, I closed my eyes, pulling on her hair in ecstasy as she sucked me off. I could feel the back of her throat and almost came before stopping myself because I needed to be inside of her again.
I pulled her up and held her against me under the water for a few seconds to grab my bearings because I didn’t want to be rough with her this time, but I was finding it hard to be gentle.
She sucked on my bottom lip slowly, tugging on my lip ring with her teeth. That did me in. I lifted her up over my c**k and buried myself deeply inside of her.
My movements were intentionally slow and controlled as I held her over me, gripping her ass as it pushed against the tile wall. My tongue was deep in her mouth, as we kissed feverishly, matching the rhythm of my thrusts.
I was still trying hard to go slow when she began to ride my c**k harder, giving me permission to release my inhibitions. I had been dying to take her from behind and couldn’t hold off any longer. I pulled out of her and turned her around so that her perfect round ass was facing me. I placed both of my hands on her cheeks and slipped immediately back inside of her. The contact of our wet skin made a slapping sound as I moved in and out, completely incapable of controlling myself.