Because he’d lost his focus, that’s why. Plain and simple.
And painful.
The truth was his girlfriend Serena had been sleeping with someone else, and his mind had wandered at close to a hundred miles per hour on a forty-degree slope-never smart. “I caught an edge.” And had come out of surgery to find his face plastered across every station, along with footage of his spectacular crash.
Over and over…
“When I was telling you about my accident,” she said, “you never mentioned that you’d had a doozy of your own.”
No, he hadn’t.
“And you didn’t mention it because…”
He lifted a shoulder. “I’m not as well adapted as you?”
“Is that a guess?”
“A little bit, yeah.”
She looked baffled. “You act like you’re a stranger to yourself.”
“I am. I was.” He shrugged. “It’s not as bad since…”
“Since you came home again?”
His gaze met hers. That. But something else. Her. Meeting her. “Yeah,” he finally said.
“Well, it sounds like you were lucky.”
That was a new one. Lucky. “How do you figure that?”
“You could have died.”
That was actually quite true. He could have died. There’d been many days where he’d wanted to, but those were all in his past now. He’d lived, and he would do with that what he could.
“It’s odd, that whole near-death experience,” she murmured. “It changes you.”
He found his gaze locked in hers. He had a feeling he knew where this was going and he didn’t like it. “Yeah.”
“So why aren’t you trying to get back to what you clearly love?”
“I’m not good enough for competing. Not anymore.”
“You skate. You cross-country ski. You hike-”
“Okay, what part of not good enough don’t you understand? I can’t win.”
She just looked at him for a beat. “If it was your entire heart like it seems it was, then there are always other ways to be involved,” she said very gently, and far nicer than he deserved. “Instead, you appear to have walked away from it.”
“That’s the story that’s going around.” He revved the snow-mobile engine. “Look, I’m going for a ride.” He took in the way she was staring at the snowmobile as if it might open its engine compartment and bite her. “You want to come?”
“I don’t know.”
He remembered her aversion to the Sno-Cat and knew where it came from now. “Safer than driving a car,” he said quietly. “Safer than boarding.” He looked into her eyes and offered the silent challenge-take it or leave it. To tip the scales, he handed her his helmet.
She stared at it, then at him. “Am I going to need protection?”
“Yes,” he said. “Protect yourself. Always.” From a fall. From me…
And then, to protect himself, he scooted as far forward on the seat as he could, which didn’t matter when she hopped on behind him, slipping her arms around his waist, hugging up against the back of him. Her jacket was still open, and though he shouldn’t have been able to feel anything through his own jacket, he imagined he could feel her every breath, her br**sts, her ni**les hardening…
Jesus, he needed to get laid. “Ready?”
“I don’t know.” Her breathing was uneven in his ear and she was squeezing the hell out of him, seeming to be pretty close to another panic attack.
Something he understood all too well. “What happened to that new adventurous spirit?”
She took a deep breath, let it out, again in his ear, which brought him both goose bumps and an erection. He rolled his eyes at himself as she squeezed him some more.
“It’s okay,” he said, “I don’t need air.”
“Oh! Sorry!” She relaxed the fingers digging into him so marginally it didn’t matter. “Okay. Ready.”
Her bravado grabbed him. Just snagged him by the throat and held on. She wanted things for herself, and wasn’t afraid to go out and get them. Well, she was afraid, but she didn’t let it stop her. He had no idea why that was such a turn-on.
Or maybe he did. He’d let his fears stop him, a fact that both shamed him and pissed him off.
“Go,” she said. “Before I lose it.”
He hit the gas and they went screaming off into the snow, literally screaming, or maybe that was just her, crying out in hopefully surprised pleasure. “You okay?” he shouted back.
She had her arms wrapped around him like vises. Her hands had slipped beneath his jacket, beneath his shirt, too, and were directly against his flesh, fingers digging into his ribs. “So okay!” She still had a death grip on him and was screaming at the top of her lungs, but she was okay. He rode up the hill behind the lodge, whipped around a grove of trees and back down again, faster so that the wind whipped at them.
“Oh my God! Don’t stop!”
At that breathless demand, he shook his head, unexpectedly wishing that she was flat on her back with him buried deep inside her as she screamed those words.
But he’d made sure not to get there, hadn’t he, avoiding being alone with her.
And yet here he was.
Alone.
Also, with her wrapped around him like a pretzel, breathing roughly in his ear, panting, using words like don’t stop, he was having a hard time keeping his mind out of her pants. He hit the gas harder and they flew toward a snow-filled ravine, heading for another sharp downhill that he knew would make her scream even louder.