“Lass, are you in there?”
Bloody Scot.
Helena scooted from the table. “I-I’m coming.”
“Liar,” he said low enough for her ears only.
She laughed softly, patting her hair then sweeping her hands over her skirts as she moved toward the door. Her hand paused on the handle and she turned back to him. Her smile faded. “Sebastian, I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you again. I want to tell you I love you too, but I cannot.”
Cold seeped into his churning gut. If she didn’t love him in return, he’d made a fool of himself again. Just like with Gabrielle. And even though no one would know outside of Helena and him, he knew. Steeling for her answer, he asked, “Why can’t you say you love me?”
Her gaze dropped to the floor. “If I say it, I can’t retract the words. They will be forever between us, binding me to you even when I leave. I fear my heart would shatter if I let myself love you.”
Hope swelled within him and drove him to go to her. He took her free hand. “I may know a way we can be together.”
“Sebastian, come with me to Scotland. We can make a life there, after Eve is settled in marriage. Your mother could come with us.”
He sighed. If only the solution were that easy, but he couldn’t leave. His father’s sacrifice couldn’t be for naught. Sebastian was a baron and his duty was to his King and country. “Helena, I have—”
A louder bang shook the door. “Lass, is therea problem?”
“Only if you call a soon-to-be-dead Scot a problem,” Sebastian grumbled.
Helena’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “No killing. I made him promise, and I’m holding you to the same standard.”
Twenty-three
Helena and Sebastian were alone in the carriage since her maid had begged to ride in the open air after her bout of nausea. Ismay had never tolerated bumpy carriage rides very well, and this leg of the journey qualified as bumpy in more ways than one.
As the carriage shimmied and lurched over the lane, Helena braced herself against the wall and tried to think of something to say to Sebastian. His profession of love had knocked her off balance. It changed everything, and nothing.
The thought of leaving him carved a hole in her heart, an ache similar to the one she’d experienced those first months at Aldmist Fell knowing her family was out of her reach. Only this ache was worse somehow.
She loved him. Whether she held her tongue or shouted it to the world, the truth wouldn’t change. She loved him and she was going to lose him.
He arched a brow. “Do you want to talk about why you’re abusing your bottom lip?”
What? Releasing her lip, she ran her tongue over it to soothe it. She hadn’t realized she was biting it. “No.”
The carriage wheel hit a deep hole and jolted her from the bench. She released a sharp cry when her bum smacked the edge of the bench and she slid to the floor.
“For the love of God.” Sebastian grabbed above her elbows and tugged her toward the seat beside him. His arm went around her, holding her in place as the carriage dipped again. His thigh and hip pressed against hers, interfering with her heart rate. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t slow her shallow breaths.
His hand slid to her nape. “Hold tight and you won’t be hurt.”
She closed her eyes as his fingers played with the loose hairs falling on her neck, intensely aware of the tingles raining down her body. Longing surged through her blood. She wanted to hold tight to him. To never let him go.
His free hand caressed her jaw. “Everything is going to be all right, Helena. I promise.”
How could he promise something out of his control? Blind optimism wouldn’t help anyone. “It’s not going to be—”
He tipped her chin and kissed her, holding her securely until her nerves began to calm. His mouth coaxed her to surrender and she wanted to fight—knew she should fight giving in to her desires—but she sagged against him. His warmth surrounded her and she sighed. Why did everything feel right with him when she knew it wasn’t? She had seen the refusal in his expression. He wouldn’t come to Scotland with her.
He eased back and his dark eyes captured her. She couldn’t look away. “Please…” A muscle in his jaw bulged, revealing the effort it took to force out his next words. “Please, say you will reconsider your plans. Stay with me.”