“You’ve reminded me that there are strong guys out there who know what the fuck I’m going through because you’re going through it too,” she says softly.
As she speaks, she slides her hand softly onto my arm. I freeze as I realize what is happening.
“I’ve also decided that everything happens for a reason,” she continues. “What are the odds that you would be there that day in the squad that rescued me and you would be here when I come to get help?” She pauses for a brief second. “The odds are slim to none, Gabe. I think I was meant to meet you. I really do. The question is… what are we going to do about it?”
Before I can think about what she’s doing, she’s leaned into me, pressing her lips softly to mine.
I am utterly frozen as she kisses me. I didn’t see this coming, I truly didn’t. I thought we were just commiserating about our issues.
Her hands come up and clutch my back and for a moment, one moment, I think about it. It would be so easy to slip away into that vague place where sex takes me, to that place where nothing matters anymore. It would be the easiest thing in the world. And I need someone. I need to be comforted by someone.
But she’s not the person I need.
I’ve already tried this road with Alex and it didn’t work.
I don’t want anyone else.
I grip Annie’s upper arms gently and push her away, looking into her eyes.
“Annie, you don’t want to do this,” I tell her firmly. “You don’t. You’re emotional because of this place. It’s OK, I’m sure it happens to everyone.”
She scowls at me, then she reaches for me again.
“No, it’s not this place. It’s you, Gabe. I just want you. You make me remember what I like about the world. You make everything make sense.”
After knowing me for a few days? I look at her questioningly as I hold her at arm’s length.
“Annie, think about what you’re saying. I can see where you would think that we have a connection because we both have the same shit going on. But think about that…we have the same shit going on. We’d be a train wreck. We each need someone outside of this mess, someone who can keep things in perspective for us… someone to give us a reason to pull out of this. I heard you telling one of your other friends about your boyfriend at lunch the other day. You need to tell him everything that you’ve told me.”
Annie starts crying now, big fat tears that roll down her cheeks in black streaks from her makeup. Fuck. I hate this shit. I never know what to do. I awkwardly pat at her back.
“Annie, don’t cry. Everything’s fine. It’s fine. This is just a misunderstanding.”
She continues to cry, then reaches for me, burying her head into my chest.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffs. “I’m sorry that I misunderstood and wrecked everything. I’m sorry.”
I pat at her again. “You didn’t wreck anything, Annie. It’s a misunderstanding. Our emotions are all jacked up in here. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
She nods and sniffs and slips from the bed to the door.
“I’m sorry, Gabe,” she sniffles again before she leaves.
I am still shaking my head as I watch her go.
What the fuck was that?
As I calm down and gather my thoughts, I realize that as uncomfortable as that situation was, it did one thing for me.
Because when Annie looked at me, accepting all my flaws, overlooking them because she wanted to sleep with me, it made me realize why I’ve sought out women ever since the incident.
Their acceptance comforts me.
But it’s momentary.
Temporary.
For just a minute it soothes my guilt. I slip into oblivion, into a place where I’m not judged. They accept me for what I am. That’s why I sought out the prostitute in Kabul, that’s why I almost slept with Alex.
But I can’t do this anymore. I’ve accepted what I did to Ara Sahar. I’ve accepted why I did it. And because of that, I don’t need to seek out a substitute for that acceptance anymore.
I need the real thing.
Something permanent.
That’s huge.
Stunned, I sit with my shoulders slumped, my hands in my lap, just thinking about it. I tried to sleep with Maddy for the very same reason I slept with everyone else. But I fell in love with her instead.
And now she’s all I want.
I pick up the phone.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Madison
Another call beeps in as I try to figure out what Jacey is screaming about, but I don’t even look. All I can do is try to make sense of what she’s saying.
“Jacey, slow down. I can’t understand you,” I tell her quickly. “Take a breath.”
“OhmyGodMadison,” she shrieks. “OhmyGod… ohmyGod.”
She’s frantic and she won’t listen and it turns my hand clammy as I grip the phone.
“What is it?” I finally yell. “Jacey, what is going on?”
“It’s Tony,” she finally manages to say. “Jesus Christ. Maddy, you’ve got to come. We’re at that curve on your street. The one… the nasty one.”
The one where my parents died. My heart stops.
“Hurry up,” Jacey wails. “Just get here.”
I hear a siren, then I hear nothing.
I can’t even feel my fingers or think as I grab my purse and rush out the door. I don’t notice the drive. I don’t register the red lights or stop signs or anything else. I’m on autopilot as I drive, as I distance myself from my heart so I don’t feel so much of what is going on.