TINY:
True!
PHIL:
So can you abide
me showing some Tiny Cooper pride?
TINY:
No matter which direction I’m facin’ . . .
I’m with Phil Wrayson!
Phil gives Tiny the straight-boy version of a hug, and Tiny engulfs him in response, as the Pridesters cheer and the number ends.
ACT I, SCENE 9
Tiny comes downstage again, as the Pride parade is turned into a locker room.
I will leave the stage directions of the following scene up to your discretion. I know certain members of certain musical societies who like to produce Damn Yankees year after year just so they can have a gratuitous locker-room scene. You know, all the hot chorus members in towels and—whoops—maybe one of them falls a little. Especially if it’s Broadway. There the towels fall a lot. Now, I am not suggesting you pander to the female and gay audience, even if those two demographics make up—what?—98 percent of all musical theatergoers? You decide what Lola wants in this case. And that’s what she’ll get.
TINY:
Persuading Phil Wrayson and my parents to be on my side wasn’t the biggest challenge. Nor were my friends anything less than accepting. There was only one group that I was really worried about—the football team.
It was freshman year, but I was already varsity, on account of my size. These guys barely knew me. And I didn’t know how they’d feel about a gay boy in their midst.
I decided to confront them at the source of their fears: the locker room. It’s something I don’t get at all—almost every homophobic guy’s worst-case scenario is being naked in a locker room with a gay guy. I mean, what’s up with that? After I’ve just scrimmaged my ass off, the last thing I’m looking for is a quickie in the shower stall—with, incidentally, everyone else watching. I mean, come on. Get over your floppy self. If I’m going to ever fall for you, I’m going to do it the right way. I’ll ask you out on a date, not run away with your towel.
Now, the trick was—how to get this across to them all? I wish I could say I thought it all out ahead of time . . . but I don’t really plan my revelations. So it happened when I wasn’t fully expecting it.
The guys—again, wearing whatever you want them to be wearing—have gathered in the locker room, doing locker room things. (Bully #1 and Bully #2 have returned from the baseball scene. I won’t dignify them by giving them names.)
(Note: Phil Wrayson is NOT a member of the football team. We want this to be believable.)
Tiny comes walking into the scene, toweling his hair, singing:
TINY (singing):
I’m going to wash that boy right into my hair
I’m going to wash that boy right into my hair
I’m going to wash that boy right into my hair . . .
(speaking)
Oh, hi, guys.
There’s silence for a moment. Then the bullies go into full attack mode.
[“THE NOSE TACKLE (LIKES TIGHT ENDS)”]
BULLY #1:
The nose tackle likes tight ends!
BULLY #2:
Don’t drop the soap, boys!
Don’t drop the soap!
BULLY #1:
He’ll penetrate your end zone unless you guard it!
BULLY #2:
Don’t drop the soap, boys!
Don’t drop the soap!
TINY:
Is that it?
Your biggest fear?
That all of a sudden
I’m after your rear?
The locker room isn’t porn for me
because you’re all so goddamn pimple-y.
I want touchdowns, man,
not to touch you there.
And if you have a problem with that
I can’t say I care!
BULLY #1:
The nose tackle likes tight ends!
BULLY #2:
Don’t drop the soap, boys!
Don’t drop the soap!
BULLY #1:
He’s aiming between your goalposts!
BULLY #2:
Don’t drop the soap, boys!
Don’t drop the soap!
TINY:
First of all, the soap is liquid,
so your warning makes no sense.
And for someone who’s so straight and such
I think you doth protest too much.
You can keep in it your strap
’cause you ain’t got nothing I want to tap.
I’ve come to win the game—
and hope you want the same.
BULLY #1:
The nose tackle likes tight ends!
TEAM (EXCEPT FOR BULLIES):
Who cares, boys?
Who cares?
BULLY #2:
He wants you to go long and catch his pass!
TEAM (EXCEPT FOR BULLIES):
Who cares, boys?
Who cares?
We joined this team so we could play,
not to hound you if you are gay.
Welcome, Tiny—ignore the haters.
They’re just inexpert masturbators!
Our nose tackle likes tight ends!
If you attack him, we will defend!
Our nose tackle keeps his eyes on the balls!
Take him on, you take on us all!
Big dance number with the team protecting Tiny and ostracizing the bullies, perhaps with some towel action in homage to the towel number in the 2008 Lincoln Center revival of South Pacific.
At the end, Tiny looks relieved and grateful, proud to be gay and proud to be a part of this team.
TINY (spoken):
Thanks, guys.
The football players leave the stage, and Tiny revels in the security of being part of a team. As we head for the last scene in the first act, we feel he’s in a pretty good place.
ACT I, SCENE 10
A dark stage. Tiny once more in the spotlight.