Prologue
Lexi
There’s an albatross and a butterfly sitting on a tree branch. And they’re whispering, laughing, and chatting voraciously. I’m staring at them wanting to be a part of the conversation. But they can’t see me. They can’t see me because I’m hidden in a hole in the wall. And there’s a wide expanse of ocean between us. I feel afraid because I can see that the branch is about to crack. But the albatross and the butterfly are having such a good time they don’t notice. And I try to scream out, “Go back in, go back to the tree, get off of the branch.” But no words are coming out of my mouth. And then water starts coming in my hole. And it starts rising. And all I can think about is the branch cracking. And I’m trying to scream to warn them, but no sound comes out. And the water keeps rising. And then I hear the crack and I close my eyes. This is it, I think. This is it.
But suddenly I feel myself gaining consciousness again. I’m no longer in the dream. I didn’t die. It wasn’t me who died.
Chapter 1
Lexi
10 seconds. That’s how long it took for my world to fall apart. 10 agonizing seconds. Some people say that your life can change in a moment. It can be faster than a blink of the eye. One second, everything is fine—you’re going along your merry way, satisfied in the minutiae of your life; even if you’re not exactly pumped or overwhelmed, you still exist. Your heart still pumps and your brain keeps thinking and you just continue as you are.
That state of mind can also be known as barely existing. Because that is what it is for most of us. But any kind of existing gives us peace of mind. Well, that peace of mind can disappear in a second. Or 10 seconds. I know that now. Sometimes everything you’ve ever thought was important can disappear in a moment. And then your very existence is called into question.
“Lexi, Lexi, are you okay?” I opened my eyes to see Bryce standing over me with a worried expression on his ruggedly handsome face. His father stood in the doorway with a slightly anxious look on his; it was the first time I’d ever seen him not looking smug. Maybe he was worried that if I died in his house, he’d have to face my mom again. I knew that was the last thing that he would want. My mom had not taken it well when he had ended their relationship.
“Who died?” I whispered urgently, staring at his dad.
“I don’t know exactly.” He frowned. “I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I knew. We have to go down to the hospital to find out.”
“Dad!” Bryce barked at his father. “How irresponsible of you. You made Lexi think her mom had died. You should know better.”
Mayor Evans looked at Bryce with a murderous look on his face, but he caught himself before he said anything. “The police called me and told me there was a bad accident in town and that there had been a fatality. I don’t know who got hurt. We must go to the hospital.”
“Why do we need to go? You’re the mayor, this is your business.” Bryce frowned. “We have plans.”
“We should go, Bryce.” My voice was slightly louder. “We should go and make sure it is no one we know.” I felt my body tremble as I spoke, but I didn’t correct his incorrect assumption that I thought my mom had died. I felt guilty, but she hadn’t even crossed mind. Luke was all I could think about. I didn’t know what I would do if Luke was hurt. I pictured Luke’s—always friendly and happy to see me—green eyes and wondered if I would ever see the glow of life in them again.
My breath caught and I pinched myself so that I would stop thinking about the worst-case scenario. I needed to distract myself from what I thought was impending doom for not having been a good friend to Luke.
“Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket,” I started singing as I started to get up and I witnessed Bryce and his dad exchange a worried look and then look at me in concern.
“Are you okay, Lexi?” Bryce frowned. “Everything’s going to be ok.”
“Do you see what I see?” I sang, trying to blank his words from my mind. How could he know that everything was going to be okay? Nothing in my life ever seemed to be okay.
“What do you see?” Mayor Evans looked around the room and I laughed, nearly hysterically.
“It’s a song.”
“What’s a song?”
“Do you see what I see?” I sang again.
“I don’t know what you are seeing,” the Mayor answered, irritably. “Let’s get going.”
“Well maybe you should,” I retorted. “Maybe then you’d get a clue, you adulterer.” Oops, I had meant to say the last part in my head. I laughed at the look on his face.
“Excuse me. What did you just say to me?” The Mayor advanced towards me and Bryce stepped in between us.
“Dad, this is not the time.” His voice was harsh and he grabbed my arm. “Lexi likes to sing children’s songs when she feels stressed.” He smiled at me, knowingly. “It’s the way she copes and it’s something I love about her.”
My breath caught as he admitted his love for me in front of his father. There was really no coming out of this relationship now. I was partially thrilled and partially scared, but the gnawing in my gut overwhelmed both feelings.
“Come on, Lexi, let’s go to the hospital. You can sing in the car.”
“Thanks.” I smiled at him gratefully and studied his worried face. It seemed to me that Bryce frowned more than he smiled. Ironic, I thought to myself. Who would have thought that a gorgeous, rich guy like Bryce Evans would have anything to frown about? Certainly not me. I’d always thought he had the perfect life. Until Eddie killed himself. I had felt sorry for him in a weird way. I hated Eddie, well, somewhat, but I felt bad for what Bryce must have gone through. I knew he had to be hurting and that was why I had started sending the letters.
But that was before I knew the whole story. I hadn’t blamed Bryce for what had happened to Eddie then, and I guess I still didn’t, even after I knew what had gone down. At least I didn’t think I did. Everything was just too overwhelming for me to think about right now.
The Mayor’s cellphone rang again and he whispered into the phone. “Okay. I’m bringing my son and a local girl with me. I’ll be there soon.”
I saw Bryce’s ferocious expression before his dad’s words hit me. I thought they were kind of funny: me being called a local girl, like we lived in some sort of small village.
“I asked about your friends from school. They have a listing for one of them in the hospital registry. A Luke Bryan is at the hospital…” The mayor began—and I fainted again.
I never believed that time could stand still before. It just didn’t seem possible. I suppose a physicist would say that it defied the laws of gravity. How could it be possible for time to stand still? But I know that it can. When I fainted, I felt like I was in a time warp. Even though I knew Bryce and his father were in the room with me, I felt as though I were seeing them from above. And they were frozen in place. And all I could keep thinking about was Luke. Luke was at the hospital? He was dead, then.
I felt a certain comfort in knowing. A numbing, bone-chilling comfort. The sort you feel when you know your life is going to end, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And then I thought about the day he had bought me a Snickers bar and a beanie baby for Valentine’s Day when we were fourteen, because I had been depressed that I had no real valentine.
I had laughed at his poor attempt at a valentine’s gift because who gives someone a mini snickers bar? But I had known that it had been the best he could do, with his limited monetary supply. And the fact that he had spent money to try to make me happy had meant the world to me. I could think back to a million other instances when Luke had done something to make me happy. And many of those instances involved candy bars.
“Lexi, Lexi, are you okay?” Bryce’s face was above mine as I slowly opened my eyes as he broke through the time barrier I had created. He looked angry, concerned, worried and I frowned. Why was he frowning? And why was his voice so off-putting? Why didn’t he understand that I was freaked out by what his dad had just told us?
“Luke…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t want the words to be true.
“I’m sorry, Lexi. But we don’t know exactly what happened.” He held my hand and I gripped it hard. I had to keep it together. This was no time for me to talk about how much I loved Luke. I hadn’t even realized, until this moment, just how deeply my feelings had run. I hadn’t realized until it was too late. And Bryce was not the confidante I was looking for. I wanted to call Anna, to see Anna; she would understand.
“We need to call Anna!” I cried out, searching through my bag, wildly, for my phone. “I need to call her and tell her to meet us at the hospital.”
“No.” Bryce grabbed my hand, panic in his eyes. “There is no need for you to worry her just yet. Let’s see what’s going on first.”
“Okay.” I followed him down the stairs. “Okay.”
“It’s going to be okay, Lexi. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.” He pulled me close to him and held me in his arms. I felt cold and numb against him. When he leaned in to kiss me, I pressed my lips together and pulled back from him. I felt his body flinch as I pulled away. I knew I had hurt him, but I couldn’t control my body and its emotions.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, tears welling up in my eyes. “I can’t breathe.”
“Take a deep breath, Lexi.” His blue eyes looked worried and hurt. “And another one ... breathe in and out, in and out.”
I followed his instructions and attempted to control my breathing as we got into his dad’s car. Part of me wanted to laugh: I was driving in the Mayor’s car with Bryce Evans. If I would had told myself in high school that I was going to be in this position one day, I never would have believed it. I was officially dating Bryce Evans and he really seemed to like me, nay—if he was to be believed—he loved me. It seemed unreal.
It should have felt like a fairytale but, oddly, some part of me didn’t feel like I was Cinderella. In fact, I felt like I was in a nightmare more than a fairytale. I grabbed a hold of his hand, hoping that I would feel comfort and warmth from having him by my side, but I still felt vacant. It was as if someone had taken out my insides and thrown them away. I didn’t want to be in the car with Bryce and his dad. I didn’t even want to look at him.
“You’re upset because of Luke, Lexi. This will pass. Don’t f**k it up,” I mumbled to myself as we drove. I pinched my fingers together to try to get some feeling back in my body.
“What did you say, Lexi?” Bryce leaned over towards me. I could see his father watching us in the rear view mirror. I wondered if he knew that I knew what he had done. What he had made my mother do?
“Nothing.” I bit my lip hard and stared out of the window. I could taste blood on my tongue, but I felt no pain. In fact, I was starting to feel lethargic. I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep. I just wanted to go to sleep and somehow be able to turn back the hands of time. I wanted to wake up three months ago and wished that none of this had ever happened. I would give anything to be able to save Luke’s life. I’d give up the dream of having Bryce love me if he would just be okay.
I felt the warmth of Bryce next to me, I could feel him staring at me with concern and worry and I started to hyperventilate. What was I doing here? I quickly pulled out my phone and dialed Anna’s number. She had a right to know about Luke. And I needed to get my mind away from my troubling thoughts.
“Hey.” Her voice sounded wary and my breath caught. She already knew, I thought. I then remembered that she and Luke had been planning to hang out that afternoon. Why had I let Bryce talk me out of joining them?
“Hey.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to voice the words and make them real.
“What’s up?” She sounded anxious.
“I’m on my way to the hospital with Bryce.”
“With Bryce?” Anna’s voice sounded funny. “Is he okay?”
“Huh?” I was confused. “Bryce is fine, he’s sitting next to me. Luke is the one who’s hurt.”
“What?” Anna screamed into the phone and I felt my heart beating fast.
“Weren’t you with him?” I asked, confused. Why is she acting like this?
“No, we cancelled our plans for today. I needed to think.” Her voice sounds nervous and I wanted to ask her what she wanted to think about. I wanted to ask her why she sounded so funny, but my head is too consumed with everything else.
“Oh?”
“It’s been a long week, Lexi. I’m really tired right now.” She sounded angry and I didn’t know why. My Luke-obsessed brain paused for a moment as Anna spoke. She sounded funny and I wasn’t sure why. I felt a pang of guilt that I hadn’t really been around for her much recently.
“So you’re with Bryce?” Her words cut me like a knife and jolted me from my haziness.
“Yeah. He’s with me. We’re going to the hospital.” My voice was wrought with emotion. For some reason I felt guilty for being with Bryce, while Luke was at the hospital.
“I see.”
“Do you want a ride to the hospital? We could drop by and pick you up.” I looked at Bryce to make sure it was okay and I didn’t want to ask his father. He is looking at me with a slight frown.
“No, I’ll ask my dad.” And, with that, Anna hung up. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what.