“You’re saying it now?”
I tried to smile. “I’m beyond hurt now. A little heartache on top of this is nothing.” I failed.
His eyes darkened, and he leaned over the seat for me. His lips were on mine before he cursed and pulled back. “Did that hurt?”
I shook my head. “Only when you stopped. They hit my head, not my vagina.”
He grimaced, scratching behind his ear. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know, but I just wanted to remind you.” I pointed to my face. “They hurt this.” My hand went between my legs. “Not this. They didn’t hurt this. They didn’t touch this.”
His eyes darkened again, anger flaring. He growled, “If they had, I’d probably be in jail.”
I reached for his hand, hooking my finger around his and letting it rest on the console between us. “I know I’m going to be messed up by this attack, but I don’t want them to take all the normal stuff from my life. I know we can’t, not yet, but I want to have sex with you. I want to feel like a normal girl again, like a,” I hesitated, “normal girl being with her boyfriend.”
Some of that anger faded, and he smiled. “I was wondering if you were going to bring that up.”
“Yeah.”
I wanted to go back to picking at my nail.
“Do you want to be? Or do you want me to tell everyone we’re not dating?”
I let out a laugh. “How’d that make me look?”
“Fuck how you look. Fuck everyone else. What do you want?” He nodded to me with his chin. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m in. I beat up two guys for you. I think that says enough. I’m all in, Kenz.”
My heart swelled. It was the first time he used my nickname.
I was blinking back more tears as I was smiling widely. “I’m all in, too.”
“Thank God,” he said under his breath, leaning over for another kiss. He was still gentle.
I could’ve stayed there forever, but the doorman began pacing back and forth. I saw him from the corner of my eye once, and I pulled back. “You have class.”
“I do.”
“Later tonight?”
“Later tonight,” he agreed.
That became the routine for a while.
I’d spend the days with my family, and nights with Shay.
After a week, Blake flew home. He couldn’t take any more time off from work, but my mom stayed. The hotel became too expensive, so she moved into the spare room that Gage and his roommates created for her. Two of the guys agreed to share a room, and she was elated. Gage offered to have one of the guys move in with him. They lived in a four-bedroom apartment, but the two who shared said it made sense. One had night classes, and the other had day classes, along with a day job. It was like they still had their own room, and my mother unofficially adopted Gage and his three roommates.
It was another two weeks before I met Kristina for coffee.
Missy packed some of my stuff up and helped my mom grab anything I needed. She was being sweet and helpful. So was everyone. Casey. Laura. Sarah. Everyone.
As for college, the administration said I could take time off.
I was seeing a counselor, and she said the same thing, but I hadn’t wanted to do that. We reached an agreement. I would keep with my studies, but off-campus. The professors had someone tape their courses, and those were put online for me. It was a project already in the works. They sped their timetable up for me. I went to campus one time, but it was into one of the higher administration buildings so not many saw me, and I was put into a small office where I took all my midterms.
I was able to do my papers at home, emailing them in. The only thing I couldn’t partake in was the group presentations, but I still participated. I sent in the work that the groups needed for my two other classes. I didn’t have to do a presentation for my third class, and I fully participated with the political science one.
Aby and Becca came to Shay and Linde’s house, and I was there for that segment, but I wouldn’t be when they stood in front of the class. All of them agreed I shouldn’t be penalized for that, but I still helped with everything else.
Aby and Becca weren’t catty when I saw them for researching.
The bruises had long ago faded, and I was back to my old physical self. What was different was my relationship with Shay. It was out in the open, and while we weren’t a public display of affection couple, there was the random back rub or hand graze, or how I just liked to stand by him and lean into his side.
I forgot how noticeable those were until the two girls openly stared.
I grew more aware afterward, but neither sniped at me. Both were quiet, and each even gave me a hug the last time our group met.
My mom, Gage, Kristina, and the rest of the other girls helped to pack up all my stuff. I was going to move into a new room with Kristina and Casey. I explained to the committee that I’d feel safer with them. My roommate was barely in her room, except for when she slept, and I was closer to Kristina and Casey anyway.
After finals, I met Casey, Laura, and Sarah out for dinner.
Kristina came, too, but she was a few minutes late. Everything was almost normal. Almost. I enjoyed listening to them gossip and using last names of people I didn’t know. But then the conversation changed. The feeling grew more somber.
I didn’t know why until Casey said, “I’d cry.” She snapped her fingers. “At the drop of a hat, or if someone wanted to watch something I didn’t. I never knew what would set it off, but man, they’d just flow. It was annoying.”
She glanced over to meet my gaze.
We both were knocked down. We were both standing.
Or I was still trying to.
Hiding was holding me back, and I knew it. A shared look passed between us. I knew Casey knew it, too. I had to step out of the shadows, but my first semester was done except for one more event.
Shay’s last football game.
He said he didn’t care if I came, but I was girlfriend status now. I had to go. There was no reason not to go, and yes, he was a junior. He’d have one more year to play, and I would go to every single game, but I knew this one was important. It was their last. They hadn’t won enough to continue on to nationals, so it was their last whether they won or not.
I wanted to go. I was terrified—but I wanted to go.
“You sure about this?” Casey asked, standing in front of me that day.
I was in a Dulane sweatshirt, and I wanted to pull that hood up. I wanted to hide again.
I didn’t do that, but I did nod. “I’m sure.”
“People are going to stare.” Kristina stood behind her.
There wasn’t anything to stare at. There were no scars. No more fat lip. No bruises. My hair was good, even. I looked better than I had before, if I was going to toot my own horn. My skin had a glow to it. I lost a few pounds, and I’d started working out with Shay. I didn’t do the runs, but they had a makeshift gym in their basement. I joined Linde and Shay when they lifted weights. I was a little more toned.
I remarked now, “Let them stare.”
Sarah added, “They’re going to talk.”
“Bring it on.” I raised my chin.
Laura said, “Half are going to feel sorry for you, and half are going to hate you.”
I pressed my lips together. “Fuck the haters.”
Every single one of them tried to hold back their grins. Every single one failed.
Kristina moved forward, separating one of my curls from the others. Once it looked how she wanted, she stepped back. She waved her hands in the air. “Perfect.”
I was doing this.
I had to do this.
I was ready to go.
I was returning to the original scene of the crime.
Not the real crime, but what jump-started it all. A large crowd of people was moving toward the bleachers with us. Casey and I shared a look when we walked over to where the Dick Crushing event happened. She leaned over, a faint trace of a smile showing. “You were very fierce that day.”
“The fucker had to come at me from behind the next time. Imagine if he hadn’t? Forget Dick Crusher. It could’ve been a Dick Rip-Off Event.”
She smothered her laughter into her sleeve.