“As wrong as this is, I don’t regret it. I can’t. ” He looked away then, drawing in a deep breath. “I lost control, lost sight of what’s important to you—to me.”
“I wasn’t complaining.”
He looked at me warily. “Alex, you’re not making this easy.”
I sat up further, ignoring the way the tubes pul ed on my arms. “Why should I? I… like you. I like being around you. I do trust you. I’m not naïve and dumb. I wanted you. I stil do.”
His hands clenched against the blanket tucked around my legs. “I’m not saying you’re naïve or dumb, Alex. But…
dammit, I nearly destroyed both of our futures in a matter of minutes. What do you think would’ve happened if we’d been caught?”
I shrugged, but I knew what could’ve happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty. “But we weren’t caught.” Then something occurred to me. Maybe it had nothing to do with the actual rules. “Is it because I’m Seth’s freakier half? Is that why?”
“No. It has absolutely nothing to do with that.”
“Then why?”
Aiden stared at me like he could somehow get me to understand by his stare alone. “It has nothing to do with you being the Apol yon. Alex, you know that I don’t see you as anything different than me, but… the Council wil .”
“Pures do this—they do it al the time and don’t get caught.”
“I know that there are some pure-bloods who break the rule, but they do it because they don’t care about what happens to the other person, and I care about what happens to you.” His eyes searched mine intently. “I care about you more than I should and that’s why I’m not going to put you in that situation and jeopardize your future.”
Desperate, I searched for a way we could make this work. We had to, but the look on Aiden’s face stole my breath, my protests.
He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. “Both of us need to be Sentinels, right? You know why I have to do this. I know why you have to do this. I lost control, forgetting to see what could come of this. I could’ve ended whatever chances you had of becoming a Sentinel, but worse than that, I could have stolen your future. It doesn’t matter what you are or what you’l become when you turn eighteen. The Council would ensure that you were removed from the Covenant, and I… would never forgive myself for that.”
“But the Breed Order—”
“The Breed Order hasn’t been changed, and with the knowledge that halfs can turn, I doubt it ever wil . Whatever ground the halfs have gained was lost the moment the daimons discovered that your kind can be changed.”
Wel … that was depressing, but not as crushing as this.
Everything about the moments we’d shared had been magical, perfect, and so right. There was no way I could’ve mistaken the look in his eyes or the way he’d touched me.
Looking at him now, I knew I stil wasn’t mistaking that look of near desperation, of lust and something far stronger.
I tried to joke. “But I’m the Apol yon. What can they real y say? At eighteen, I could just zap anyone who gives us a hard time.”
His lips twitched. “That doesn’t matter. These rules have been in place since the time the gods walked among mortals. Not even Lucian or Marcus would be able to stop what would happen. You’d be given the elixir and placed into servitude, Alex. And I couldn’t live with myself knowing what that would do to you. To see you lose everything that makes you who you are? I couldn’t bear that. I couldn’t live seeing you like the rest of the servants. You have too much life for that, too much life to lose for me.”
I shifted closer, my legs brushing his hands and my face only inches from his. I knew I looked a mess, but I also knew Aiden saw past that. “Don’t you want me?”
Groaning low in his throat, he pressed his forehead against mine. “You know the answer to that. I stil … want you, but we can’t be together, Alex. Pures and halfs can’t be together in that way. We can’t forget that. ”
“I hate rules.” I sighed, feeling the burning in my throat again. I’d wanted him to hold me ever since the moment I’d woken up. And our blood wouldn’t even al ow that.
He sounded like he wanted to laugh but knew it would only provoke me further. He sighed. “But we have to fol ow them, Alex. I can’t be the reason you lose everything.”
Rules could suck it. There were only a few inches between us, and if I moved just a little bit more, our lips would touch. I wondered what he would think about our future then. If I just kissed him, would he care about the rules? About what people would think?
Almost like he sensed what I was thinking, he murmured,
“You are so reckless.”
The last time I’d been awake, I thought I’d never smile again, but I did smile. “I know.”
Aiden shifted and pressed his lips against my forehead.
He lingered a few seconds, and before I could do anything, which sucked, because I was feeling pretty damn reckless, he pushed himself away. “I… I wil always care for you, but we won’t do this. We can’t. Do you understand?”
I stared at him, knowing that he was right, but he was also wrong. He wanted this as much as I did, but he was too concerned by what could happen to me. Part of me liked him even more for that, but my heart… wel , it was cracking. The only thing that kept it from shattering completely was the fleeting look of desire and fondness that flickered over his face as he backed toward the door.
“Get some rest,” he said when I didn’t answer. “I’l check on you later.”
I scooted back down, but then something else occurred to me. “Aiden?”
He stopped, turning around. “Yes?”
“How did you al find us?”
His face hardened. “Seth.”
Confused, I sat up again. “What? How?”
Aiden shook his head slightly. “I don’t know. He showed up real early in the morning—the morning you left—and said something was wrong and you were in danger. I checked your room and saw that you were gone. Once we got on the road, he knew where to find you. Somehow, he could sense where you were. I don’t know how, but he did.
Seth was the reason we were able to find you.”
Two days later, I returned to the Covenant, pumped ful of blood and fluids. As soon as I arrived, I was taken to the infirmary to be checked over again. Aiden sat beside me as the doctor removed the white gauze that covered every piece of exposed skin.
Needless to say, I looked torn up. Several crescent-shape bites marked each arm. They were stil pretty red-looking and while the doctor made some herb mixture that
“should” help minimize the scarring, I rummaged through the cabinets.
“What are you looking for?” Aiden asked.
“A mirror.”
He knew why. Sometimes, as annoying as it could be, it was like we shared the same brain. “It’s not that bad, Alex.”
I shot him a look over my shoulder. “I wanna see.”
Aiden tried again to get me to sit back down, but I refused to listen until he got up and found a smal plastic mirror. Without saying a word, he handed it to me.
“Thank you.” I lifted the mirror and nearly dropped it.
The deep purple that covered my right eye and spread toward my hairline wasn’t bad. It would fade in a couple of days. A black eye wasn’t a big deal. I liked to think I looked sort of badass with it. However, the tags on each side of my neck were horrendous. Some of them looked deep, almost as if patches of skin had been ripped out and fused back together, the flesh uneven and crimson in color. The redness would fade, but the scars left behind would be deep and obvious.
My fingers tightened around the plastic handle. “It—I look horrible.”
He was immediately by my side. “No. They’l fade, and before you know it, no one wil even notice.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t hide this—not al of these.
“Besides,” he said in the same gentle voice, “these are scars to be proud of. Look at what you’ve survived. These scars wil make you stronger, more beautiful in the end.”
“You said that before—about the first one.”
“The same stil stands, Alex. I promise you.”
Slowly, I placed the mirror down on the little counter and… I broke.
It wasn’t the scars or what Aiden had said. It was what those scars would forever be a reminder of—losing Mom in Miami. Al the terrible things she’d done and al owed to happen. And what I had done—kil ing her. They were big, powerful sobs. The kind I couldn’t real y breathe or think around. I tried to pul myself back together, but I failed.
I sat down in the middle of the doctor’s office and cried. I wanted my mom, but she would never answer, never comfort me. She was gone, real y gone this time. The yawning hole opened up in me and the grief, it just poured out, and it kept coming and coming.
Aiden knelt beside me, placing his arms around my bent shoulders. He didn’t say a single word. He just let me cry it out, and after months of forcing myself to just push through it, al the pain and hurt had built up into the massive knot that final y unraveled.
Once I’d cried myself out, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. My head hurt, my throat felt raw, and my eyes were puffy. But in a weird way, I felt better, like I could final y breathe again, real y breathe. Al these months, I’d been slowly suffocating and I hadn’t realized it until that moment.
I sniffled and winced at the dul pain in the back of my head. “Remember what you said about how your parents wouldn’t have wanted a life like that?”
His fingers moved soothingly over my taut shoulders.
“Yes. I remember.”
“She didn’t. I saw it just before she… was gone. She looked relieved. She real y did.”
“You released her from a horrible existence. That’s what your mother would’ve wanted.”
A few minutes passed. I stil couldn’t look up. “Do you think she’s in a better place now?” I asked, my voice sounding smal .
“Of course she is.” Man, he real y sounded like he believed it, too. “Where she is… she is no longer suffering.
It’s paradise—a place so beautiful that we can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like.”
I assumed he was talking about Elysia—a place very much like heaven. I took a deep breath and wiped under my eyes. “If anyone deserved it, she real y does. I know it looks bad since she became a daimon, but she would never have chosen that.”
“I know, Alex. The gods know that, too.”
Slowly, I pieced myself back together and climbed to my feet. “Sorry to… unload al of that on you.” I stole a quick peek at him.
Aiden frowned. “Don’t ever feel sorry for this, Alex. I’ve told you before, if you ever need anything you can come to me.”
“Thanks for… everything.”
He nodded, stepping aside as I shuffled past him.