The notion hit me hard as I drove to Paige’s, knowing the lengths I’d go for her happiness, for Gage’s. My love for them ran deeper than anything I’d ever known, but I didn’t know if it was enough to let go of a dream I’d had for half my life.
The baby I’d pictured, the one made with all the best pieces of Gage and myself, cried in my mind, and my insides crippled knowing I’d never be able to soothe it.
Chapter 15
Gage
My head slammed into the glass, my helmet taking the impact before my shoulder followed suit. Fuck that hurt.
“McPherson!” Coach yelled from the bench. “Pay attention!”
“What, old man? I play your position for one game and you’re ready to give it up?” The rookie asked with a snide little grin.
Bentley been kicking my ass at practice all week and I was all-too-eager to wipe it off his little face.
“That’s it for today, gentlemen. Hit the showers!” Coach yelled.
I silently seethed through my shower and dressing. Even Rory and Warren knew better than to talk to me. That didn’t mean that I didn’t get a healthy dose of side-eye, though.
Sure, I’d played like shit for about ninety-five percent of practice, but it was only because I had Bailey on the brain, and not in a good way. This had never happened to me before. No matter what shit I had going on behind the scenes with any woman, I’d always kept a clear head on the ice.
The three of us made it all the way out to the parking lot before Warren opened his mouth.
“Okay, what the fuck is eating you?” He asked.
“Nothing,” I responded, unlocking my doors with a press of the key fob.
“Well, nothing’s been playing like a junior pee-wee all week,” Rory responded.
I leaned back against the car. He was right, and unless I got my head on straight, I was going to lose my starting spot. “It’s Bailey. Nothing you guys would be interested in hearing about.”
“I’m interested,” Rory said. “Spill it.”
Warren nodded. “Agreed. Unless it has to do with weird sex positions she won’t try. I’m starting to see her as a sister, and that’s just TMI.”
“Nothing like that. Ever since we were kids, Bailey wanted to be a mom. She was always toting around a doll, mothering other kids on the playground, volunteering to babysit—you name it. She loves kids.”
Rory shrugged. “Okay. That sounds pretty accurate. What’s the big deal?”
“All she’s ever wanted is to have a family of her own.”
“Oh shit,” Warren said, leaning against his Rover which was parked next to mine.
“Yeah.”
“I’m not catching on, obviously, so clue me in,” Rory said.
“I had a vasectomy after Helen left.”
His jaw dropped. “You snipped the boys?”
I nodded. Warren knew because he’d been the person to pick me up, but it wasn’t something I’d exactly advertised. “Helen had just walked out, and Lettie was only two. I never saw myself finding a woman that I’d trust enough to stick around. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t condemn another kid to grow up in a broken home.”
“Bailey found out?” Warren asked.
“Yup. Shit went down last week.”
“Hence, why you’ve been sucking.” Rory connected the dots.
“Exactly. Even at the game against Colorado last week, I can’t get this shit out of my head.”
“Good thing we have a bye this weekend,” Warren said.
Tomorrow was Thanksgiving, and we had an unprecedented weekend off. Sometimes the scheduling Gods had mercy on us.
“Yeah, you can work this stuff out this weekend, come back swinging next week, and you’re safe for the game against Toronto.”
“This isn’t exactly the kind of stuff you figure out in a weekend. She wants a kid. Maybe not now, but eventually, and I can’t give her one.”
“Can’t or won’t?” Warren asked.
“What’s the difference right now?” I fired back.
“Easy. You could reverse it. Like you said, eventually, not now. You could give her this, it’s a matter of if you want to.”
I shook my head. “Not that simple. She’s already applied to art programs for gallery management. Sure, there’s a couple here in Seattle, but the rest aren’t. She’s going to leave. It’s an inevitability.”
“Well, she will for sure if you drive her away,” Rory said.
“True,” Warren added in. “Let me ask you this: are you against having another rug rat running around?”
I sputtered. “I...I don’t know. I shut that door when Helen walked out. And it’s not about having another baby, or caring for one. It’s about trust.”
“And you don’t trust Bailey,” Rory summarized.
“Of course I do!” I snapped. “She’s the only one I trust with Lettie. I’m in fucking love with her!”
“But you don’t trust her enough to tell her that you’ll think about having a family with her, knowing that it’s a deal-breaker, that this is the one thing she’s going to need from a marriage,” Warren said softly as the rookie walked by.
“What are you looking at?” Rory quipped.
“From here it looks like an episode of the View. Which one of you is Whoopi?” he asked with a smirk.
“Fuck off and let me know when your balls drop.” I added a finger gesture for emphasis.
“Look, maybe she has a point,” Rory said after the rookie walked by.
“What point? Relationships are about compromise. I get that. I will give her just about anything if she only gives me this one thing.”
“But it’s not just one thing,” Warren countered. “It’s her everything. What you’re basically saying, is hey, I love you and I care about your needs...just not this one. You’re saying that your fears are more important than her dreams.”
I blinked.
“Maybe just get through Thanksgiving tomorrow, and really figure out what the hell you want. Decide if you’re going to be happy going back to hookups and only having one steady girl in your life.”
“Lettie,” I said.