She cries out.
“Are you okay, Star?” I ask.
But she doesn’t answer me. She fidgets and rolls, her arms flailing. She’s dreaming. And it’s not a very good dream.
“Star.” I shake her shoulder.
I can tell when she wakes up, because she freezes.
“Are you okay?” I ask her again.
“Yeah. Just a dream.”
“Okay.” I turn to roll back out to the couch.
“Josh,” she says quietly.
I turn back to her. “What?”
“Will you come and hold me? Like last night?” She stops talking for a moment, then continues quickly. “I mean, I’ll have sex with you if you want to. But will you?”
Holy shit. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”
“Oh, okay,” she whispers. She rolls to face the wall. “Never mind.”
“Move over.” I poke her hip with my index finger.
She looks at me over her shoulder. “Really?” She sounds almost hopeful. What’s that about?
“Yeah. Move over.” She scoots to the other side of the bed, and lifts the edge of the blanket, inviting me inside.
I pull my shoes off my feet and take off my jeans, which isn’t an easy feat. She waits patiently, holding the covers for me. I slide into the bed wearing my T-shirt and boxers, and I’m pretty sure she’s wearing the same thing. I adjust my legs and lie back. She lets the covers fall over me, and her cotton candy scent tickles my nose. And my other parts. Holy crap, I’m getting hard.
“Come here,” I tell her, my voice rough. I lift my arm and she settles into the spot between my neck and shoulder and wiggles until she finds where she wants to be.
“Are you sure this is okay?” she asks quietly. Her voice trembles.
“I can tolerate it.” I try to sound gruff. But I’m afraid I just sound needy. I haven’t needed anything for a very long time. It scares the shit out of me that she’s making me want things.
She giggles and her hair tickles my nose. I smooth it down between us and she wraps her arm around me, tucking it under my other side like she did earlier.
I lift the edge of her shirt and lay my palm against her naked back. She’s so warm and so soft. I tilt my head toward her hair and breathe her in. Because later, she won’t need me anymore. But right now, she does. And I’m afraid to say it, but I need her too. Need her. Want her. Don’t deserve her. Don’t deserve any of the good fortune that has come my way. I know that better than anyone, and I can’t let her forget it, any more than I can forget it myself.
“You won’t tell anyone, will you?” she whispers.
“Tell them what?” I whisper back.
“You won’t tell anyone I begged you to hold me, will you?”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
She snuggles in closer, which I didn’t really think was possible, and throws her leg across my lap. She freezes when she feels my dick, because now it’s pressed against her inner thigh.
“Sorry,” she whispers.
“I’m not.” I kiss her forehead and I hold her until she goes soft in my arms. Soft and pliable and not mine. Not at all.
Star
I can’t figure out what Josh’s game is. I wake up with his arms around me, all warm and snuggly. But he doesn’t cop a feel or do any of the things that normal guys do. He doesn’t accidentally graze my boob. Or hump my leg, pressing his dick against me. He just held me all through the night.
I’ve never slept very well. It started a really long time ago. Things move in the dark, and I got used to taking care of my sisters when we were all in the group home. I woke up with every little sound, just waiting for someone or something to threaten one of them. Then we were adopted by Emilio and Marta, and I didn’t have to worry anymore. I didn’t have to, but I still did. Do. I still do. I still don’t sleep well.
“You okay?” I hear him ask right beside my ear.
I nod against his chest. “You?”
“My arm is asleep and I need to piss, but aside from that…”
“Oh. Sorry.” I lift my head from his arm to scoot away from him, but he just pulls me back to him.
“Don’t go,” he says quietly. “I like holding you.”
I like being held.
“You smell good,” he murmurs into my hair.
I grin against his shirt. But I don’t thank him, because that would just be silly, right?
“So, you want to watch some porn with me?” He chuckles.
I laugh too. He just woke up and he’s thinking about porn? “Maybe later.”
“It’s a date.”
I sit up and brush my hair back from my face. “A porn date. I’m so excited.” I hug my arms around my chest and pretend to shiver. “Some guys just offer a steak dinner. You, my friend, you have a lot of class.”
He barks out a laugh. “I know how to treat the ladies. Can’t you tell? I pretty much have to fight them off on a daily basis.”
He sits up and swings his legs off the bed. Lifting his arms over his head, he stretches.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurt out. Oh my God, I should have asked that before now.
“I’d be a pretty shitty boyfriend if I put you in my bed and kicked my girlfriend out of it, don’t you think?”
“Shitty boyfriends do exist. Trust me.”
He looks over his shoulder at me. “I want to hear more about that, but right now I have somewhere I need to be.”