It’s a perfect day.
And then it’s over. Then I need to leave her. “Can I come and see you another day, Lilly?”
She jerks out a nod.
Lilly rolls into the kitchen behind me, and Star sits and talks to her while I speak to Mrs. Jameson. “Is there anything you need? Anything Lilly needs? Is there anything I can do for you?”
She pats my shoulder. “The only thing we need is for you to come back again. Don’t be a stranger.”
I nod. “I would love to come back.”
She grins at me. “And bring Star back with you. She’s something special.”
I look over at her and she’s deep in a one-sided conversation with Lilly. “Yeah, she is,” I say quietly.
“Are you going to see your parents while you’re here?”
I shake my head. “I don’t see any reason to.”
She heaves out a sigh. “You’re probably right.”
“Star,” I call. She looks at me. “Are you about ready to go?”
“Not yet. Lilly and I are sharing makeup tips.”
“Oh, well, carry on,” I say.
Mrs. Jameson takes a roast out of the oven just as a knock sounds on the door.
“That would be Lilly’s boyfriend,” she whispers at me. She opens the door and a man comes inside. “Traumatic brain injury,” she tells me quietly. He goes and kisses Lilly and my heart turns over a little. They’re happy. She’s happy.
Mrs. Jameson insists Star and I stay for dinner. After we eat, Lilly goes with us toward the door. She grabs for my hand and squeezes it. I look at her. “I’ll see you again soon, Lilly,” I tell her.
She jerks out a nod. Then she points at her heart again and then at me.
“I love you too, Lilly.” I kiss her on the cheek, since her boyfriend is there. Mrs. Jameson gives us a bowl full of homemade cookies and some sandwiches to take with us.
“I’ve missed you,” Mrs. Jameson says. “So glad I finally contacted you.”
“Me too,” I tell her. I kiss her plump cheek and she waves us out the door.
I am silent when we get into the car and Star doesn’t speak either. It’s almost like she knows I’m about to break. I feel like with one word, I might crack into a million tiny pieces. Like one word will shatter me.
We get back to the hotel and I go straight to the bathroom. I need privacy. It’s the only way I can think about what just happened. I close the door and lock it behind me.
Lilly doesn’t hate me. She still loves me. She’s all right. She’s happy.
I’ve been so focused on all I thought she didn’t have that I forgot to even consider the things she does.She has a full life. She’s in love. She’s happy.
I feel like a fist has wrapped itself around my heart and is squeezing the very life out of me.
A knock sounds on the door and I hear Star call out to me. “Josh?”
I don’t answer. I can’t. But that was the one word that would break me, apparently, because I’m suddenly crashing and breaking and I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.
Star
I once saw a dog get hit by a car. When we came upon it, it lay on the side of the road. Emilio pulled over to help, even though he wasn’t the one who hit it. I’ll never forget the noises it made, and Josh sounds just as desperate. Just as helpless.
I can hear Josh on the other side of the bathroom door, and the sounds remind me so much of that poor, pitiful, wounded creature on the side of the road. I knock on the door. The noise stops.
“Josh?” I call.
No answer.
I knock harder. “Josh,” I call softly. “Can I come in?”
No answer.
“Josh?” I try again.
The lock pops but the door doesn’t open. Is that an invitation? I’m not sure.
“Josh?” I say quietly as I turn the handle and step into the room.
He stares at the floor¸ not looking up, not looking down, and certainly not looking at me.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
Suddenly, his eyes meet mine. There’s a world of hurt inside him, and my heart stutters at the emotion that’s pouring off of him in waves. But there’s more than just hurt. There’s heat. Lots of heat. My heart starts to beat right between my legs.
“Come here,” he says, his voice rough. He holds out his hand. “Please.”
My legs wobble, but I move toward him.
When I get close, his hand snakes out and wraps around my waist, and he draws me into his lap. He’s hard beneath my bottom, and he groans and buries his face in my neck. His lips touch my skin, and his teeth abrade the tender skin under my ear.
“I need you,” he says, right up next to my ear, and then he sucks my earlobe into his mouth and nibbles it with his teeth.
“You…need me?” I can barely take a breath.
He brushes his hand through my hair and turns my head so I have to look directly into his face. “I know you don’t love me, and I’m okay with that for now. I need you.” He growls low in his throat. “Can I make love to you?”
“Are you okay, Josh?” His lips hover over mine, almost touching but not.
He takes my hand and lays it over his heart. “I hurt,” he says, his voice cracking. “Make it stop. Please.” He closes his eyes tightly, like he’s praying. “Please, Star. Please make it go away.”
“Okay, Josh,” I whisper. He sags into me, deflating for a moment.