I stopped her suddenly, turned and held her at arm’s length. I pretended to appraise both her face and her body, as if making a judgment about her. In truth, I could only see her as Starling, not as another might. But I managed a grin and told her, “If your husband does not find you desirable, then he is a fool. I am sure that any number of men at Buckkeep would be very willing to share your bed. Myself among them, were circumstances different.” I tried to look thoughtful. “Shall I tell him so?”
“No!” she exclaimed, and then managed to laugh, although it was a fragile thing. I took her hand to keep her at a more appropriate distance from me and we walked a bit farther down the road. “Fitz,” she asked in a small voice some time later. “Do you still care for me, at all?”
I knew I could not let that question hang unanswered for long. And, in fact, the truth was right before me. “Yes. I do.” I met her eyes as we walked. “You’ve hurt me sometimes. You’ve said some cruel things to me, and acted in ways I don’t approve. And I’ve done the same to you. But, it’s as you said, Starling: fifteen years. When people have that much history together, we tend to take everything for granted. We accept as given the faults as well as the graces. How many songs have you sung before my hearth, for me alone? How many meals have I cooked for you? Fifteen years of knowing one another goes past likes and dislikes, into simple being. We’ve been careless of one another’s feelings, even as Chade and I are careless of one another. Because we trust that what we are and what we know from all the years are more important than words flung in anger.”
“I deceived you,” she said after a time, quietly.
“Yes. You did.” I found I could speak without rancor. “And I disappointed you. And just as I felt I had the right to decide what I would do with my life, regardless of what you thought about it, so did you. You married. I chose obscurity. Both those decisions came between us. Not just yours. But let me assure you of one thing. No matter how the years may pass for us, even though we never share a bed again, when we are old, I will still hold you high in my regard. Always.”
Did I completely believe all I said to her? No. But, despite all, she was a friend, and she needed. The words I gave her eased that need, and cost me nothing. A small smile twisted my mouth. She had bedded me for the very reasons that I now gave her the small lies she needed to hear.
She nodded, and no more tears flowed. After a time of walking, she asked me, “What should I do about my husband?”
I shook my head to that. “I don’t know, Starling. Do you still love him? Want him?”