“I’m so sorry, Reed,” she said, and at her words I looked down, not able to look her in the eyes knowing that I’d been so cruel when she never actually slept with Gavin—and knowing that I almost made a worse mistake with Jenny, just to get back at her. She was sobbing now, sliding back to the floor, and reaching up for a towel to drape over her face and body, her hands clutching at it desperately. Her eyes still settled on me though—those sad, amazing and beautiful eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Reed,” she started again, and I tried to hush her, moving forward and making the softest smile I could, my head shaking no, and begging her to stop her worrying. I just needed her to sleep this off so we could wake up in the morning and start fixing things.
“I’m so sorry I lost your baby,” the words escaped her lips, playing out in slow motion while she slid the rest of the way to the floor and succumbed to the pull of sleep. All air left my lungs at the sound of her voice. My legs no longer able to hold me up, I slid slowly down the wall, fingers clawing at it to slow my descent, until I was finally sitting on the floor, too, just staring at her now closed eyes. Mine wide with shock, each nerve ending on my body firing with this new information, and my breath completely stopped. Had I heard her right? Did she say baby?
I fumbled through my pocket, and my phone fell to the floor next to me. I scurried more, trying to hold it in my shaking hands and, when I’d finally gotten it right, I scrolled until I found Sarah’s number. I hit dial, and waited, still not having blinked since the words lost and baby left Nolan’s lips.
“Reed? Are you home? Is she okay?” Sarah started, but I interrupted.
“When did she lose the baby?” I asked, no longer questioning what I heard, but just suddenly desperate to know. I heard Sarah sigh on the other end. “Sar, I need to know. Please…just tell me.” I swallowed hard, and found my face wet with tears, my voice urgent and needing.
“I didn’t think you knew,” she said quietly. “There was no way you could have. It just didn’t make sense.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, my heart rate picking up a little with panic now as I realized everything my girl had been through—alone.
“Nolan said she called you, said she left you a message or something, but I couldn’t imagine you not calling her after that,” Sarah said, my body flattening on itself in an instant at her explanation.
“Shit!” I said, my hand now covering my mouth to hold myself together. “The message…fuck!”
I stood to walk into my room and shut the door to my bathroom slightly to keep Nolan asleep. “Sar, she did. I completely forgot. I was so pissed. I never listened!” I was manic now, my body shaking, and my guts twisting.
“Well, you better go listen,” Sarah said, exasperated and clearly pissed at me.
I hung up without saying bye and dialed into my voicemail in seconds, only to hear Nolan’s voice telling me everything:
Hi. It’s me. I guess you know that, though. I…oh my God, Reed. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened. I don’t want Gavin. I don’t even like him. He was just there, and we were both in the wrong place at the wrong time.
(Sniffle)
I was so drunk. I haven’t done that before. I was so upset—and he was flirting with me, and I let him make a pass, and I didn’t stop him, and then it all hit me at once—and I ran home. Oh God!
(She was crying harder now.)
Reed? There’s so much you don’t know. I…I was pregnant.
(The tears were non-stop and her breath stuttered.)
I found out the night we made plans to talk about the draft. And then Dylan happened, and then you made plans to sign, and I was so afraid I would have to drop out of school, and raise a baby. I thought you wouldn’t want me—or want us. And Tatum had tricked you with pregnancy in high school, and I remembered how you acted, how depressed you got. How it ruined EVERYTHING.
(There was a long pause while she cried harder, her nose running, and her breath hitching.)
I lost it. It was terrible. And oh my God, the blood. Reed, it was so awful. And it was all my fault…because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to trap you. And I felt relief, at first. And then I just wanted to go back, back to when I was pregnant, so I could tell you this time. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if that was your only chance to have a baby? And I was so selfish. I wished it away, Reed!
(She was crying hard again.)
Gavin found me at the gym when I passed out the day after my…my…miscarriage. I wasn’t dehydrated, at least not from running. And I had just come back from your house, from seeing Dylan in your shirt. And Gavin took care of me. And I think part of me thought about that day when he kissed me. And yes, I kissed him back. But I wasn’t thinking of him. I promise! Oh God, Reed. Please, please just call me. I can’t lose you, too!