OKAY, Camelot was magnificent. Isabel would have given anything to have her camera equipment with her. It was so unfair not to be able to capture the beauty of it all.
There was an actual moat that they all traversed over a bridge, a wooden bridge. They then entered a keep that was so buzzing with activity that Isabel was almost afraid. So many men working as if they were in football practice, so many women running back and forth chasing after children.
The castle itself was breathtaking. Isabel had assumed it would be made of stone, but strangely, it seemed mostly to be made of wood. And yet so many chimneys had smoke chugging from them. And she had the feeling there wasn't a single smoke alarm in the place.
What really shocked Isabel, though, was the way all of the people greeted their king. They bowed, of course, as he entered the keep, but they smiled, too. These people really liked their leader. Isabel could relate. Unfortunately.
The great hall was also abuzz with activity. But it seemed to come to a screeching halt when the king escorted her in and loudly announced her arrival. Even the animals running around - there had to be at least thirty dogs of all varieties - froze. Then the bowing and curtsying began.
"Please tell them to rise, sir," she whispered to Arthur. "They're acting like I'm freaking royalty."
Arthur's eyes widened for a second. "Countess, you are royalty."
Oops. "Perhaps, but I'm not so big on the bowing and scraping thing. It makes me uncomfortable. I much more prefer an equality of sorts."
He smiled again, which was really mean because his smile was lethal. "We have much in common, m'lady."
"Isabel."
"Isabel it is, then. And I am Arthur. Please, I beg you to leave off the king part."
"Deal!" she said.
"Rise, all! The lady prefers you not ..."
"Grovel?" Isabel provided.
". . . feel the need to lower yourselves upon her entrance," King Arthur finished.
Isabel felt the need to bow a little herself. Then she stood and said, "Okay, now we're even. No more of that, all right? It's a pain for all of us. By the way, hi! Good to be here," she said, waving in what she hoped wasn't a Queen Elizabeth-type way.
Everyone, even the dogs, stared at her like she was a little, or maybe a lot, addled. But then they smiled. And several waved back.
There were what she thought were things called rushes on the floor, and the hall smelled a little smarmy. Part sweat, part pee, part burning wood, part indescribable. Yet as she and Arthur walked farther into the great room, a kind of nice smell kept wafting up.
"Thyme?" she asked.
The king looked at her. "My guess, Isabel, is betwixt the noon hour and evening meal."
"I was talking about . . . never mind. May I retire to my quarters to prepare for supper?"
"Most assuredly, Countess. Your trunks will be delivered as soon as one of your Toms, Dicks or Harrys manage to get them up there." The humor was back in his eyes, and Isabel was once again bamboozled.
She pulled herself together to ask one more thing. "Sir, my men. They mean a great deal to me. Their accommodations?"
"They'll be given the best the great hall of Camelot has to offer, Isabel."
Once again, she melted. The way her name came off his tongue really screwed with her hormones. "Does this mean they'll stay downstairs, then?"
"Do you want them up closer to you, Isabel?"
"Is that possible? I don't want to upset anyone, but I truly want them near me."
"Very unusual, but it shall be done." The king took a long look at her, then bowed. "I only wish to make you happy."
Happy would be kissing him senseless.
Her necklace again thumped her. Stick to the plan, Izzy.
Then stop putting gorgeous, sexy kings in my face, Viviane.
ISABEL'S room was the epitome of medieval luxury accommodations. The walls were made of rustic wood, which smelled of cedar, but probably weren't. The bedsheets were rose and forest green. She had her own special room, if you could call it that, with a piss pot in just about every corner. And in front of the fireplace was a huge tub.
There was a cheerful fire crackling in the huge fireplace, which bathed the room in a rosy glow. All in all, considering the time period, this was presidential-suite material.
Her trunks had been delivered to her room, and Viviane had thought of everything. Except floss. And a toothbrush. And Listerine.
Not happy with the lack of dental care here, Viviane.
Patience has never been a virtue bestowed upon you, has it, dear?
Not when it comes to my teeth.
Help will arrive shortly. And wear the very pale red gown tonight that I believe in your time you call pink. Lancelot is apparently partial to that shade.
Pink. Probably Isabel's least favorite color. Not only did it wash out any color from her face, it reminded her of the time when she'd been forced to play the cotton candy in her fourth grade play, A Day at the Fair. She'd really wanted to be the corn dog.
Isabel jumped when there was a knock at her door. "Yes?"
"M'lady, 'tis Mary. I shall be your chambermaid during your visit."
"Well, by all means, Mary, come on in."
"Me arms be full, m'lady."
Isabel turned from her trunks and went to the door. "Full of - "
She stopped as she stared down at the loaded tray in the young girl's hands. There were several twigs that appeared shredded on one side. A small bowl with what looked like salt. A pitcher of water and another small bowl of greens which smelled like mint.
This is what I'm supposed to use on my teeth?
You will find it suffices for teeth devices.
"What, no wine?" Isabel asked, motioning Mary in.
The girl tried to curtsy, which made everything on the tray wobble precariously. "On its way, m'la - "
"My name is Isabel, Mary. If I may call you Mary, please call me Isabel."
"Oh, no, m'lady! I could not possibly."
"Oh, yes, Mary, you could. In fact I insist."
"Please, Countess, I cannot."
Isabel smiled down at the girl, who couldn't be older than thirteen. Mary had long, bright red hair that would have made Ronald McDonald jealous. She had freckles racing all over her nose and cheeks. But Isabel couldn't figure out the color of her eyes because Mary was intent on staring at the floor.
"Fine, then. I won't ever ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Countess will work for me if it works for you."
"Yes, mum. Countess, mum."
"Then we're all set. Please, bring on the goodies."
Mary stumbled through the room into the dressing area, set everything down just so, then turned with her empty tray. "Shall I order water for a bath, m'lady?"
"That sounds heavenly."
Finally Mary raised her eyes to meet Isabel's. They were the exact sapphire color of the necklace of tears.
Isabel grinned. It was an omen. "I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Mary."
"I believe so as well, m'la - Countess."
"I would love a bath. But before that, could you please help me find the pink gown among this mess?"
"Pink?"
"Pale red?" Isabel tried.
Mary gnawed at her bottom lip, obviously still not understanding.
"You know the color that your cheeks turn, when you're flattered by a boy? Or embarrassed by something you think you've done?"
"Oh! Oh, yes. Although, mum, in my instances, that would be a deep red." She glanced down and then up again, a twinkle in her eyes. "I must admit it does not go well with my hair."
"I doubt that, Mary. My guess is that your blush turns many young men's heads."
Mary blushed.
And boy, was she right. Almost fire-engine red on those cheeks.
"That's so kind of you to say, Countess." Mary headed straight for the third trunk and pulled out a beautiful gown. "That's more rose than pink, Mary."
"This is not your . . . pink?"
Is this your idea of pink, Viviane?
So a shade here and there. Stop quibbling.
"I think this will compliment your fair skin, Lady. Any shade lighter and 'twould not do your beauty justice."
Now that's what Isabel liked. A chambermaid with excellent taste. "Yes, you and I are going to get along really well, Mary."
"I am assured we are, m'lady."
Isabel didn't even need to ask who, or what, assured Mary as Isabel again touched her necklace. "Bring on the wine and the bath."
"Done."
"How are you with hair, Mary?"
"Do you need me to be good with hair, Countess?"
"I really do."
"Then, yes, m'lady, I am very good with hair."
As primitive as this all was, Isabel felt amazingly pampered. The gallons of bath water carted to her room had been too hot at first, but Mary had sprinkled lavender and rosemary in the tub. It was wonderfully soothing. Afterward Mary made good on her promise, roping Isabel's hair and then wrapping it into something of a bun, but with a twist, then a long, elaborate ponytail.
Mary had also added a brass broach to the left side of Isabel's waist. By the time Tom and Dick escorted her down to the dining area, she felt almost queenlike. Time to meet the real queen. Wonderful.
ISABEL met both Lancelot and Guinevere at supper that night. Gwen, as King Arthur called her, was as nice as nice could be. She was a beautiful young thing; young being the operative word. Her hair was auburn, pulled back in an elaborate bun, a circlet of tiny gems gracing her disgustingly devoid-of-a-single-wrinkle forehead.
Isabel wanted to ask what face cream she used, until it occurred to her that Gwen was still nearly a child. Isabel wasn't allowed to date at her age, much less marry and cheat on her husband. If Gwen hadn't been so sweetly gracious, Isabel would have loved to hate her. The queen had the scent of rose petals emanating from her, which was a welcome smell compared to the sweat and animal odors that invaded even this dining room.
Of course, there were sweaty men and dogs hanging around here, too, so no big surprise there. Isabel wished she'd paid more attention to the ingredients in Oust to see if she could replicate the product here.
Gwen's dress was a shimmery silver, with an elaborate chain belted around her disgustingly tiny waist. Isabel guessed that belt wouldn't fit around half the beefy men's arms who were standing at the huge rectangular dining room table.
"'Tis an honor to have you grace our hall, Countess," Guinevere said. "We have been anticipating your arrival with much gladness. My husband informs me that this will mean a great and mutually beneficial treaty between our two lands."
Oh, great, so Gwen wasn't a twit. She kept her pulse on politics, too. Was there nothing Isabel could find to dislike about her? Other than the fact that Gwen had the luxury of sleeping every night beside the one man who so far floated Isabel's longship?
She felt a thump on her chest.
Could you stop doing that?
Pull it together, dear. Bow to the queen and leave the lust for later.
Isabel attempted another deep curtsy, which would have failed miserably if Tom and Dick hadn't held on. She really needed to practice this bowing thing. "I'm honored to have been invited to Camelot, Your Highness. Your hospitality is much appreciated."
Gwen laughed softly, which was also disgustingly perfect. "Please, Arthur and I do not ken to the formalities. Unless you want that I should bow to you as well when we meet."
Horror of horrors. Isabel had a flashback of being in the Far East with the "you bow, I bow, you bow, I bow, who gets to bow last" thing. "That works perfectly for me," Isabel said, then nearly groaned at the shocked look on the faces around her. "What I mean, your Highness, is that we should give our knees a break."
Gwen actually grinned. "Methinks it is an excellent suggestion. Perhaps all of that bowing is also to blame for so many back ailments among our men?"
"Methinks, you might be correct," Isabel said. "Perhaps a good chiropra - "
Thump.
Isabel worked hard not to react to the bang to her chest. "What I meant to say, is that my man, Dick, here, is a wonder with back problems." Very true. He was her chiropractor in the normal world and a miracle worker, considering how much she had to contort her body to get the right shots. "Perhaps he could work some magic on your ailing men."
Many men standing by the table rubbed their backs and finally smiled their half-toothless smiles at Dick. Even a few of the serving maids took a second glance.
Dick kicked Isabel in the leg while smiling wildly. Then he bowed again and said, "At your service, Your Highness. And might I add that Tom, here, is a specialist with teeth? Should you have anyone in the castle who must needs tooth attention, he would be more than willing to offer assistance."
Tom turned green at all of the toothless smiles that suddenly swung his way. "Always at your service, Your Highness," he said, reaching his leg around to kick Dick.
Tom had been Isabel's dentist forever and friend for at least half of that. He gave her a "what have you gotten me into?" look, and she gave him a shrug. After all, she hadn't mentioned it.
Just then Harry came limping in from the great hall, his hair still wet from having to make himself presentable and his gait still showing he was hurting from the kick to his gonads. It obviously hurt, badly.
"And this is Harry," Isabel announced, "my other man. He is the one incredibly good with animals. He's been my ve - "
Thump
"Ouch!"
Everyone stared at her.
"My animal master and devoted . . . friend, for many moons. As have Tom and Dick. In Dumont, we are all friends, working together."
There was a silence while Harry attempted to bow to Arthur and Gwen, which looked painful to everyone. To a male, every single one of them in the dining room winced.
But then they followed their king's lead, holding up their steins.
"I am assuming you took one for the Gipper, master Harry," Arthur said. "He has always been a bit overly accurate with his legs."
"Oh, wait a minute," Isabel said, "you have a horse named Gipper?"
Gwen spoke up first. "I'm afraid Gipper is mine. And my apologies, sir, for his . . . exuberance. Sir Ronald of Reagan gifted him to me at our matrimonial ceremony. He is a beautiful stud but can be much of a handful. But not as taxing as most."
Harry bowed again, then headed straight to Isabel. "He's not going to be studding anytime soon. The sonofabitch nearly blew off my balls," he whispered.
"Please don't tell me ..."
"No little Gippers showing up soon. Actually ever. And it felt good."
At the supper table, Arthur spent a few minutes introducing his men as well.
James was his first man, whatever that was. But he was bigger than any professional wrestler, so Isabel was guessing he was also a bodyguard of sorts.
Tristan, his second man, who was only slightly smaller than James and who she recognized from the woods, bowed his head. Isabel waved at him, hoping he hadn't seen her bare butt while she'd stopped to pee. Unfortunately, Tristan grinned at her, which gave her the feeling that at least he had.
And on and on with other men who meant something to Arthur or Gwen. It was a big freaking table.
And then, finally, she was introduced to Lancelot. He stood and bowed more deeply than all of the other men. He was her target, apparently, but not a single one of her hormones charged to life.
Lancelot, a darling blusher, was as shy as shy could be. To be certain, he was a striking young man, having light brown hair with sun-streaked golden threads that Isabel would love to challenge her hairdresser, Pelo, to try to duplicate. When he finally managed to meet her gaze, she figured he had hazel eyes, which were looking more green than brown at the moment because of the forest green tunic he was wearing. He stumbled his way through the greeting, which was rather sweet. But not the least bit sexy, unlike the hearty laughter with which King Arthur had greeted her. Damn, damn and triple damn, not a single sex gene in Isabel's body fired up.
The rest of the King's men were a little grumpy during supper, and she was figuring that it was because she'd asked for her men to be invited.
Isabel was in a bit of a pickle. Her attraction to Lancelot amounted to less than zero. Less than the pickled eel placed in front of her at supper. Less than Hester the court jester's jokes, which were sadly lame.
As was he, in an endearing way. He had to be seventy if he was a day, and the blue and purple silklike robes didn't do much for his pasty skin. But Hester tried so hard to entertain the crowd that Isabel decided he was a cool enough fellow, anyway.
Arthur winked at her, and then so did Hester before he bowed and took his leave. "What fun, yes?" Isabel said. Pretty much no one agreed with her. Except for Arthur, who couldn't stop grinning.
A ton of food was delivered to the table. Almost all of it meat. Even though she was not a vegetarian - not completely, but for the most part - she was totally grossed out. Especially with the meat. Boar, rabbit, squirrel and, oh man, more pickled eel. The best she found were cabbage and beets. Not her favorite veggies.
Isabel had never been a liquor person, but tonight she was drinking like a sailor, hoping alcohol would help in her mission. Both to eat the eel without throwing up and to try to seduce the child knight who was just as inedible.
You're kidding, right, Lady? This is an impossible task.
You must needs try, Izzy. Think of Merlin.
So far, just not working. He was cute enough, if you liked boys. Which she had, when she'd been a girl. But as handsome as he was, he was young. Way too young.
The sad thing was, he had no interest in Isabel, either. He had eyes for only Gwen. Which was apparent to everyone in the room except for King Arthur, who was so busy talking about this important meeting with other knights of the realm that he seemed oblivious to the looks exchanged between Gwen and the cute boy.
Seemed that everyone at the table watched and scowled, but felt nothing could be done to stop it as long as the king said nothing. Either the king had forbidden all to even think about the possibility, or he'd made certain no one voiced it.
She felt so bad about it all, but then again she had other things to mourn over.
Like the eel.
Like her total disinterest in Lancelot.
Like Lancelot's total disinterest in her.
Like Guinevere's total interest in Lancelot.
She was in magical hell.
Isabel could not fix all things at once, but there were a couple over which she had some control. She politely requested that a servant remove the eel, the boar, the rabbit and the squirrel, and then politely excused herself to go fashion a barf bag.