I want to stand up and scream at her, but I know it’s pointless. She’s the most vile, selfish human being, and I’ll work the rest of my life to make sure I’m nothing like her. I can’t blame her for what I did to Dane…I had a choice, and it took me too long to make the right one, but I can blame her for almost ruining me.
“I’m fine. Jade and I were trying to relax, so if you don’t have anything else to say, I suggest you leave.”
A smile curves on her bright red lips. “Where’s that boy you’re so madly in love with that you disowned your family? Trouble in paradise already?”
It’s none of her business, and I’m not going to pleasure her by telling her what happened. She lost that privilege the minute she gave me the ultimatum…not that she ever cared.
“He’s at home. It’s girls’ weekend,” I reply.
She gives me a knowing grin, placing her sunglasses back over her eyes. “Of course. That’s why your eyes are puffy like you’ve been crying. Well, dear, I hope everything works out for you. Just remember, you chose this.”
“And I’ll never regret that I did,” I mumble as she walks away. She glances back at me, and I wonder if she heard me. I look away, laying back down on the blanket, and closing my eyes. She’s my past now. I used to hope she would change, if not for me and Gwen, for herself, but she’s content to be where she is. She thinks she has everything, but when I look at her, I see nothing. She’s a well-dressed, beautiful woman without soul or heart. There will come a day when she’ll need someone to take care of her, and she’ll finally realize she alienated everyone. A part of me feels sad for her, but she did it all on her own.
I feel a hand wrap around mine and look over to see Jade staring at me. “Are you okay?” she asks, studying my face.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not going to let her get under my skin anymore. I’ve spent too much time letting her tear down my happiness, and from now on I’m the only one that controls that,” I reply, resting my head back on my hands and closing my eyes once again.
The day I left my parent’s house, I knew there was a good chance that would be the last time I saw them. I had come to grips with that, and in some ways it really uncomplicated my life. Now, seeing her today, I feel the same way. This may be the last time I ever see Catherine Riley. I feel a strange mix of contentment and sadness. I’m content that every choice I make from this day forward will belong to me. I may not always make the right ones, but I will make the ones I feel in my heart.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask. “I want to try to call Dane to see if he’s okay. Maybe he’s had time to calm down and we can talk it out. I miss him.”
“He loves you. If he’s not ready today, maybe tomorrow,” she says, standing to retrieve her things.
“Tomorrow seems like it’s so far away,” I say sadly. And it does. I’m used to spending almost all my waking moments with him. We haven’t been apart for this long since we got back together.
We pack everything into her trunk and begin the trip back to her beach condo. I noticed Jade’s been pretty mellow compared to her usual out there personality. Maybe it’s for my benefit, but I sense something is off with her. Sadness is etched into her face and it hurts me to see it. She’s lost some of her bubbly outlook that I drew from for so long.
“Hey, are you okay? You seem out of it,” I say, turning to face her in the car.
“I’m fine,” she shrugs.
“No, you’re not. What’s up? You can tell me.” I unload so much on Jade. It really is her turn to do the same to me.
“It’s Tyler,” she finally admits. “I finally broke down and called him about a week ago. I couldn’t take the distance between us anymore. Anyway, he answered and I started talking, but I heard a woman in the background. She was giggling, and he kept telling her to stop whatever she was doing. All the hope I had for us washed away during that one phone call. He didn’t seem to care what I was doing. I don’t know; I was really hoping it would work out.”
“Maybe when he gets back, things will be different,” I say, trying to reassure her. Everything I know tells me Tyler probably doesn’t want to change. The funny part is, Jade seems to have changed for him.
I’m pretty sure I heard her say, “We need him back,” under her breath. I snap my eyes toward her, but she keeps hers on the road, one hand on the steering wheel with the nails from the other taking turns being whittled to nothing between her teeth. There’s something so off about her. When we get back to the condo, I’m going to sit her down and talk about this.
We all want to find out the one guy we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives, but sometimes the right guy turns out to be someone we can’t have. Some guys have too many broken pieces to stick back together, or they aren’t willing to be put back together. I don’t know what Jade’s story is, or how she got to the point where it was too hard for her to let a guy in, but she wants Tyler in the same way I want Dane.
Rain starts to fall hard on the windows as we edge our way closer to Jade’s condo. I rest my head on the window and I feel a knot forming in my throat. I just want everything to be okay. I want more days filled with smiles, and fewer days filled with tears. I pull out my phone to text Dane, but I never get the chance.
Chapter Eighteen
One event can change your life forever. It can take all your thoughts and feelings from that moment and make them feel trivial. It can take all the things you should have said to someone and make them ring over and over in your head for hours, days, years. It can make you remember your last words to someone and analyze them until, no matter what was said, they weren’t the right ones.
I wish I could tell her I love her one more time. I wish I could hug her close and tell her I didn’t mean all the things I said the last time I saw her. Why didn’t I think of all these things while she was still here, standing in front of me? Now, it’s too late, and time is one thing I can never get back.
They said she died instantly, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t remember putting the phone down. I don’t remember falling to the floor, and I have no idea how Nolan got in my apartment. I’m numb, confused, and more than anything I’m hurting. A sadness I haven’t felt since Jenna died floods my chest. I remembered that day clearly now because all the thoughts and feelings I was having then rushed through me again. I never want to feel this way again.
Everything I’ve ever done wrong flashed before my eyes. Especially, the way I pushed Alex away yesterday…I want to go back in time and undo it, but I can’t. I don’t believe one word I said to her yesterday, not one word, but I was stupid and angry and I let my emotions control me. I thought I let that guy go a long time ago, but for some reason I couldn’t stop him yesterday. Now, I just want her back.
I’ve been sitting in the same spot in front of the couch with my head in my hands for hours. Nolan talks every now and then, but I don’t really hear him. He sets a glass of water next to me, but I don’t touch it. I hear him moving around my apartment, but I don’t look up to see what he’s doing. I just don’t care right now.
My life is so messed up. I feel helpless, hopeless and above everything I feel shredded. How can this be happening? Do I have a sign on my back that says, “Please ruin this guy’s life”? I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if I can keep pushing through the tragedy.
I hear the door open and Nolan’s voice echoes through the apartment. I recognize the voice of the person he is talking to, but I don’t move. I want to look up to see her, but I can’t. When I feel her arms wrap around me, my body starts trembling and tears roll down my face. I grip onto her like she’s my life vest, and I’m never going to let go of her again. I need her to save me just as much as she needed me to save her.
“My mom’s dead, Alex,” I cry, wrapping her hair around my hands.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she whispers, running her hands up and down my back. I sat here for the last twenty-four hours thinking I would never touch her again, and now I can’t believe she’s here. I could apologize for the things I said yesterday until I breathe my last breath, but they would never be forgotten.
“I shouldn’t have said the things I said yesterday. I didn’t mean a word of it, and I wish I could take it back,” I cry, finally looking up into her eyes. Her red, puffy eyes tell me she’s been crying right along with me.
She holds my face in her hands. “We can talk about that later. Let’s just-”
“No, we need to talk about it now. I regretted everything I said to you the moment you walked out of that door, and I need to make it right.” I shake my head, trying to clear it, and come up with the right words to say to put us back together. I know Alex, and she would never leave me alone right now even if her intention is to leave me later. I need to make sure she stays.
“Dane,” she whispers, running her fingertips through the hair right above my ear.
“You used to need me. I saw you even when you didn’t see yourself, and now I feel so lost. You know who you are, and you can do anything you want. You don’t need me,” I say, fighting back more tears. I’ve cried so much in the last few hours, and I don’t even know what I’m crying over right now. One bad thing just blends into another. The probability of losing Alex and my mother on the same day hangs over my head, and I feel sick to my stomach.
She sits on her knees in front of me so that our eyes are level. “I need you. I’ve always needed you, and I always will.”
“Say you love me,” I whisper, leaning my forehead against hers.
She closes her eyes. “You know I do.”
“I need to hear you say it.” I watch as she opens her eyes again and they’re full of question. I don’t know why I’m doing this; I guess I just need to hear it. “Please.”