Nina grimaced like she was in pain. “Did you love her?”
I thought about her question and hesitated. I wasn’t in love with Melissa that night or any other night, but did that mean I didn’t have a responsibility to her? I had to tell Nina the truth, no matter how it made me look.
“I don’t think I was capable of love when I knew Melissa. That man thought only of his wants and desires without any care for what others needed. I wasn’t even a man then. I looked like one, but I didn’t act like one. A man would have taken more care with her.”
“Were you with her?” Nina asked sharply, her voice full of condemnation.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding.
“But you didn’t care for her?”
“I cared for her enough to sleep with her and use the drugs she got me, but no, I didn’t care for her like I care for you. I was a selfish boy who took what he wanted and didn’t give a damn about what she wanted.”
Nina’s eyes searched mine. “What did she want, Tristan? Did she want you?”
“She wanted me to love her like she loved me.”
There in that one statement was the indictment I deserved. A confused girl who only wanted me to love her got nothing but my callousness in return for all she gave me. And now I risked losing the woman I loved because of how I acted then.
“I think I know what she felt. You don’t understand what you do, Tristan. You say so little that someone who loves you has to fill in the blanks, so of course, we fill them in with what we hope you feel. Only she was wrong. She hoped you’d love her, but you didn’t. I want to believe you love me, but how do I know? You kept secrets from me. You left me alone for months and never answered my messages. You don’t know how painful that was.”
I took her hand in mine and brought it to my lips in a kiss. “I know. I’m sorry. I thought that was the only way to keep you safe. I never meant to hurt you. The man I am now is sickened by how I treated Melissa. But I can’t change that. All I can tell you is that I wasn’t guilty of murdering her. If I was guilty of anything, it was carelessness with her. That’s all.”
“You say that like it’s some small thing. Like being careless with someone’s heart is a minor offense. That girl loved you, Tristan, and what did she get in return? Nothing. No, well, she got to spend time with you. That’s something, I guess.”
Nina’s eyes flashed her anger at me as her words cut me down to size. If she wanted me humbled, she was doing a damn good job at it. “I can’t change that, Nina. All I can promise is that I’m not that person anymore. I love you—completely and more than even I thought I could.”
“You know what? I’m tired of hearing that you can’t change that. Someone loved you and she died because you didn’t care. That’s the truth of it. You didn’t care enough for her and she died. Maybe it wasn’t your fault, but the way you treated her was. I’m just not sure I want to risk my heart on you anymore.”
Angrier than I’d ever seen her, she stood to leave—leave me, leave us. I couldn’t let her. I had to make her see what we had was worth fighting for. Forcing her back down onto the bench, I dropped to my knees in front of her, knowing this was my last chance to convince her to listen to her heart.
“You promised me you’d never leave. You promised you were mine forever. Stay with me. Don’t be like the person I was. Do what your heart tells you instead of what your head says. I love you. I always have. I can’t do this without you.”
“I’m sorry. I am. I just don’t know.”
Her words were like knives to my heart, each one plunging in and carving me up. “No! I can’t believe that. I won’t believe that. You love me like I love you. You take up every inch of brain, pushing out everything else. I can’t live without you. I know I should have said these things every day, but I’m saying them now. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. The months away nearly killed me. We promised each other no more leaving. Stay. Let me show you the kind of man I am because of you.”
Her hand slowly caressed my cheek as a tear rolled down hers. “How can I know you won’t hurt me like you did her?”
I leaned into her palm and looked up into that beautiful, sad face. “I love you. If I ever do hurt you, it won’t be because I don’t care. Don’t let everything we’ve gone through be for nothing. I swear to cherish you like you deserve, and someday I promise you’ll see I’ll be the kind of man who deserves you.”
Nina closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them, I saw my last chance had passed. As I waited to hear her answer, I held my breath, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. When she shook her head, I thought all was lost, but then she spoke and I heard the sweetest words in the English language.