His fingers encircled her forearms.
“I thought you weren’t ready to have a baby.”
“I’m not. But I agree with what you said in the orchard. If we want to have a baby, we need to start discussing it with the doctors.”
“What about adoption?”
“We can do both. But please, Gabriel, you need to have the procedure reversed if only to show that you believe you will be a good father. And that you aren’t a prisoner of your history. I believe in you, sweetheart. How I wish you believed in yourself.”
He stood under the spray of the shower, closing his eyes and letting the water run over his head. He released her, running his hands through his hair before stepping aside.
Julia took his hands in hers.
“These hands are yours. You can use them for good, or for evil. And no amount of nature, biology, or DNA determines those decisions for you.”
“I’m an alcoholic because my mother was. That wasn’t a choice.”
“You chose to go into recovery. Every day, you choose not to drink or to use drugs. It isn’t your mother or AA that’s making that choice—it’s you.”
“But what will I pass on to our children?” His voice sounded desperate. “I have no idea what’s in my family tree.”
“My mother was an alcoholic. If you’re going to focus on family history, you should ask what I’m going to pass on.”
“The only things you could pass on would be beauty and kindness and love.”
She smiled sadly. “That’s what I was going to say to you. I saw how the children at the orphanage reacted to you. I saw you laughing and playing with them. And taking Maria for a pony ride. You will give our children love, protection, and care. You will give them a home and a family. And you won’t cast them out when they make a mistake, or stop loving them when they sin. You will love them so desperately you’d die for them. That’s what a father does. And that’s what you will do.”
His eyes lasered into hers. “You’re very fierce.”
“Only when I’m protecting someone I love. Or when I’m fighting to stop an injustice. Your giving in to those old lies would be unjust. You’ve done so much to help me, Gabriel. Now it’s my turn. If you want to forget about your family, I’ll support you. If you want to trace every branch of your family tree, I’ll help. But don’t let guilt and fear rob you of your choices. You made the decision to have the procedure reversed. I think you should stick to it. Even if we decide we want to expand our family through adoption.”
“It would be easier for me to forget about my family. But I can’t try to have a child with you without knowing more about them—at least to discover any obvious health concerns.”
“It won’t be easy. But you’ll have someone beside you, supporting you. Right now your past has power over you because you don’t know what’s there. Once you know, you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Take a risk with me, Gabriel.”
He buried his face in her neck.
Of all the gifts God gave me, he thought, the greatest one is you.
Chapter Forty-one
Although Gabriel’s concerns were not entirely assuaged by Julianne’s words, he felt relieved. Her belief in him, her love for him, chipped away at his self-doubt. Truly he was blessed beyond all reason to find such a lover, such a wife. When she’d looked into his eyes and said she wanted him to reverse the procedure whether they planned to have a baby or not . . . Gabriel would remember that moment for the rest of his life.
A proverb from the Hebrew Bible came to his mind: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a great good.
It was at night, when he felt tortured by his past and fearful for his future, that his hope was shaken. Rather than leaving her side to haunt the house in search of alcohol, Gabriel resolved to wrap his arms around her and hold on. His brown-eyed angel didn’t eliminate his concerns. But she gave him the strength he needed in order to fight.
The day after their shower, she’d found him in his study on the second floor, poring over a pile of books, his laptop open on the desk.
“Hi.” She entered the study, carrying a glass of Coke. “I brought you a drink.”
He regarded her appreciatively. “Thank you, darling.”
He patted his lap and she placed the drink on the desk before joining him.
“Did you put this here?” He gestured at the toy train engine, which was now sitting atop a stack of files.
“Yes.” She squirmed, wondering how she was going to explain herself.
“I’d forgotten about it. It makes a good paperweight.”
“I should have asked before I went through your things.”
He shrugged. “It was time. The train was one of my favorite toys as a child.”
“It looks like an antique. Where did it come from?”
Gabriel scratched at his chin. “I want to say that it came from my father. I seem to remember him giving it to me. But that can’t be right.”
Julia offered him a sympathetic look.
“What are you working on?”
“My book. I’m writing a section on Hell. I think I’ll include some remarks on the Guido story. I’ll cite your paper as an authority, of course.” He kissed her.
“That will be easier to do now that my paper is being published.”
“Really?”
“I received an email from the conference organizers telling me that a European press has agreed to publish a few of the papers. They want me to submit mine.”
“Your first publication. Congratulations.” Gabriel hugged her tightly, a feeling of pride washing over him.
“It will be a great line item for my CV.” She toyed with his glasses. “But I’m going to need a favor.”
“Anything.”
She lifted her eyebrows. “Anything?”
“For you, my love, I would endeavor to pluck the stars from the sky, only to shower them at your feet.”
Julia pressed her hand over her heart. “How do you do that?’
“Do what?”
“Say things like that. That’s beautiful.”
He offered her a half-smile. “I’ve spent years studying poetry, Mrs. Emerson. It’s in my DNA.”
“It certainly is.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him determinedly.
Their embrace grew heated. Gabriel was about to sweep his books from his desk and lay Julianne out on top of it when she remembered she was there to ask him a favor.