“Don’t touch me!” She pulled back, stumbling over a tree root.
Gabriel caught her before she fell. “Just wait a minute, okay? Give me a chance to explain.” Satisfied that she was on surer footing, he released her.
“When I met you in September, things with Paulina had ended. I hadn’t been with her since last December, when I told her that we needed to stop once and for all.”
“You led me to believe that you ended things with her at Harvard. Do you have any idea how much this hurts? Do you have any idea how stupid this makes me feel? She traipses into your parents’ house as if she belongs there—as if I’m the f**k buddy. And no wonder! You’ve been sleeping with her for years.”
Gabriel shifted his shoes in the snow. “I was trying to protect you.”
“Tread very carefully, Gabriel. Tread very, very carefully.”
He froze. He’d never heard her use that tone before. All at once, he felt himself losing her. The mere idea was crippling.
He began speaking very quickly. “We only saw each other once or twice a year. As I said, I haven’t been with her since last December.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Did you expect me to catalogue each and every sexual encounter I’ve ever had? I told you I had a past.”
Gabriel’s eyes met hers. He held her gaze, taking a tenuous step forward.
“Do you remember the night I told you about Maia?”
“Yes.”
“You told me I could find forgiveness. I wanted to believe you. I thought if I told you how I gave in to Paulina again and again, I’d lose you.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Are you lying to me now?”
“No.”
Her expression was skeptical. “Do you love her?”
“Of course not.” He took another cautious step in her direction, but she held her hand up.
“So you slept with her for years—after you made a child with her and she had a nervous breakdown—but you didn’t love her?”
His lips thinned. “No.”
He saw tears shimmering in her big, dark eyes and watched as she fought them, her pretty face marred with sadness. He closed the distance between them, removing his suit jacket and tenderly placing it around her shoulders.
“You’ll catch pneumonia. You should go back to the house.”
She clutched his jacket, bringing the lapels up to her neck.
“She was Maia’s mother,” Julia whispered. “And look how you treated her.”
Gabriel stiffened. Maia’s mother.
Julia and Gabriel stood silently, noticing briefly that the snow had ceased falling.
“When were you going to tell me?”
Gabriel hesitated, his heart beating a furious tattoo in his chest. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would say until the words escaped his lips.
“I wasn’t.”
She turned around and began to walk in the direction she thought would lead back to the house.
“Julia, wait!” He came after her, tugging at her arm.
“I told you not to touch me!” She pulled her arm back, glaring at him furiously.
“You made it clear that you didn’t want to know the details of what I was like before we met. You said you forgave me.”
“I did.”
“You knew I was lustful,” he reproved her, softly.
“Clearly, I thought there were limits.”
Gabriel recoiled, for her remark had cut him. “I deserved that,” he said, the temperature of his voice rivaling that of the snow on the ground. “I didn’t tell you everything and I should have.”
“Was the Christmas gift from her?”
“Yes.”
“What was it?”
Gabriel’s shoulders slumped. “An ultrasound picture.”
Julia inhaled roughly, making a wheezing sound as the bracing winter air filled her lungs. “Why would she do such a thing?”
“Paulina assumes I’ve kept everything secret. She’s right, of course, when it comes to my siblings. But she assumes I haven’t told you. This was her way of ensuring I did.”
“You used her.” Julia’s teeth began chattering. “No wonder she won’t let you go. You fed her with scraps, like a dog. Would you treat me like that?”
“Never. I know that I treated Paulina abominably. But that doesn’t give her the right to hurt you. You’re innocent in all of this.”
“You misled me.”
“Yes. Yes, I did. Can you forgive me?”
Julia was quiet for a moment, rubbing her hands together against the cold. “Have you ever asked Paulina to forgive you?”
Gabriel shook his head.
“You toyed with her heart. I know what that’s like. I can have compassion for her because of that.”
“I met you first,” he whispered.
“That doesn’t give you license to be cruel.” Julia coughed a little as the cold air burned her throat.
He pressed a light hand to her shoulder. “Please go back. You’re cold.”
She turned to leave and Gabriel reached out to catch her hand.
“I felt something for her, but it wasn’t love. There was guilt and lust, and some affection, but never love.”
“What will you do now?”
He wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her into his side. “I’ll resist the urge to react to the present she left and try my damnedest to make things up to you. You’re who I want. I’m so sorry to have injured you.”
“Maybe you’ll change your mind.”
He held her more tightly, his expression fierce. “You’re the only one I have ever loved.”
When Julia didn’t respond, he began walking with her toward the house. “I would never be unfaithful, I swear it. As far as what Paulina tried to do yesterday…” He squeezed her waist. “There was a time when I could have been led astray. But that was before I found you. I would rather spend the rest of my life drinking your love, then emptying all the oceans of the world.”
“Your promises are meaningless when they aren’t accompanied by honesty. I asked if she was your mistress, and you played a word game with me.”
He grimaced. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ll tire of me eventually. And when you do, you’ll go back to what’s familiar.”
Gabriel stopped. He turned to face her. “Paulina was never familiar. We have a history, but we were never compatible. And we were never good for each other.”
Julia simply stared at him skeptically.
“I wandered in the darkness looking for something better, something real. I found you, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose you.”
She looked away, surveying the trees and the path she thought led to the orchard. “Men get bored.”
“Only if they’re stupid.”
His eyes were dark, narrowed with concern and worry. He blinked a little under her gaze, before frowning. “Do you think that Richard would have cheated on Grace?”
“Of course not.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a good man. Because he loved her.”
“I make no claim to being a good man, Julia. But I love you. I’m not going to cheat.”
She was quiet for a moment. “I’m not so wounded that I can’t say no to you.”
“I never said you weren’t.” Gabriel looked grim.
“I’m saying no to you now. If you lie to me again, it will be the last time.” Her voice held a warning.
“I promise.”
She exhaled slowly, unclenching her fists.
“I won’t sleep with you in the bed you shared with her.”
“I’ll have everything redone before we return to Toronto. I’ll sell the damn place, if you want.”
She pursed her lips. “I’m not asking you to sell your apartment.”
“Then forgive me,” he whispered. “Give me a chance to show you that I am worthy of your trust.”
She hesitated.
He stepped toward her and took her in his arms. She accepted him reluctantly, and they stood under the falling snow, in a darkening wood.
Chapter 12
Late that evening Gabriel and Julia sat together in their pajamas on the floor next to their Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Julia encouraged Gabriel to open Paulina’s gift, so all the secrets could be revealed. He didn’t want to do it, but for Julia’s sake, he did.
He picked up the ultrasound picture in his hand and grimaced. Julia whispered a request to look at it, and he gave it to her with a sigh.
“This picture can’t hurt you. Even if Rachel and Scott found out, they would be sympathetic.” She traced a finger across the curve of the baby’s little head. “You could keep this somewhere private, but she shouldn’t be kept in a box. She had a name. She deserves to be remembered.”
Gabriel placed his head in his hands. “You don’t think it’s morbid?”
“I don’t think there’s anything morbid about babies. Maia was your daughter. Paulina meant this picture to hurt you, but really, it’s a gift. You should have this picture. You’re her father.”
Gabriel was too choked up to respond. To distract himself, he placed the rest of Paulina’s gifts by the door. He was returning them to her as soon as possible.