“I don’t trust you.”
“I know.”
“You’ll shatter me, Gabriel, and that will be the end of me.”
“Never.”
He brought his hands to cup her face, and just as she closed her eyes, he paused. Julia waited, expecting the smooth wetness of his lips to connect with hers, but they didn’t. She waited. Then she opened her eyes.
Gabriel’s eyes were large, soft and warm, and staring down at her.
He smiled. He began by stroking her face, gentle caresses here and there, exploring every curve, every line, as if he was memorizing it. He moved to her neck, using a single fingertip from his right hand to travel back and forth. Julia shivered.
He brought his lips to her ear. “Relax, my darling.” He nibbled her earlobe and nuzzled her neck enticingly. “Let me show you what I can do when I take it slow.”
Holding her face in his hands, he brushed his lips to her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her chin. Only when she closed her eyes a second time did he cover her mouth with his lips. By then, Julia was already breathless.
As soon as their lips met, there was a rush of blood and heat and energy.
But Gabriel was careful and would not speed. His lips matched hers, moving back and forth, their skin humming with the soft friction. But he did not open his mouth. His hands moved to her hair, tangling gently, massaging her scalp and floating downward.
Julia was less gentle as she grabbed at the back of his head, tugging and twining his hair around her fingers. Their mouths continued to press together, smoothing over every inch. His tongue peeked out, and he drew it languorously across her upper lip, tasting her tentatively before sucking her lower lip between his.
It was tempting. It was teasing. It was the slowest kiss he’d ever given.
And it made his heart beat quickly. When she moaned against his mouth, he tilted her head back so that she would open for him. But he would not rush. He waited for her jaw to soften, and when she could wait no more and her own tongue hesitantly came out to meet his, only then did he allow himself to accept her invitation.
She would have responded at a fevered pace, but Gabriel controlled the kiss, and he wished to kiss her softly. Gently. Leisurely. It took half an age for his hands to travel from her face down the sides of her neck so that they were kneading her shoulders. And another half an age for those same hands to slide down her spine and under her clothes to find bare skin. All this time he was slowly exploring her mouth as if he’d never have a second chance.
He gasped and groaned when his hands slipped and found the dimples he’d discovered the night before. He already thought of them as uncharted territory, found first by his explorations, even though he had no right, no right at all to claim her.
His fingers glided across her skin as Julia whimpered and clung to him. Her helpless sounds were more erotic than any wanton moan that had ever filled his ears. It pierced and enflamed him. Then he was pressing up against her, returning soft, delicate curves with sinew and steel, subtly switching places so it was his back that flattened against the wall, for he was unwilling to trap her, to make her feel like she’d been cornered. Instead, he let her corner him.
Julia was breathing his breath, hot and moist inside her mouth. He was her oxygen. She couldn’t stop kissing long enough to truly inhale, and her head began to float. It made the feel of his lips more intense, so she didn’t fight it. She just gave in, licking and sucking and moving…
Gabriel retreated minutely, breaking the kiss.
He let his thumbs trace the curve of the naked skin at her waist. She inhaled quickly, and he hugged her close, wrapping his arms around her and feeling her br**sts pressed up against him.
“You need to become accustomed to my lips, Julia, because I intend to kiss you a lot.” He kissed her hair and smiled down at her, looking truly happy.
When she eventually found her voice, it shook. “Gabriel, I make no promises. I agree to nothing. One kiss doesn’t change that.”
His smile disappeared, but he continued to hold her closely. He reached out a finger and pushed some of the hair back from her face.
“Just give me a chance. We can take it slowly and try to heal one another.”
“Last night you spoke of being friends. Friends don’t kiss like that.”
He chuckled. “We can be friends. We can follow the model of courtly love, if you wish. I’ll just have to remember that the next time I kiss you.
And so will you.”
Julia looked away. “I don’t trust you enough to be anything else. And even if I did, you’ve got the wrong girl. You will be sorely disappointed with me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You will never be satisfied only with me, and you will leave once you realize that. So have mercy on me and choose someone more sexually compatible before one of us ends up hurt.”
She watched as the color in his face deepened and his eyes began to blaze. She waited for him to explode.
“What did he do to you?”
That was not the question she expected. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gabriel looked at her carefully, measuring her expression. He stood away from the wall and drew himself up to his full height, straightening his shoulders. “I don’t know what he did to make you think so little of yourself, but I am not him. Didn’t our night in the orchard demonstrate that our connection is not based on sex?” He stroked her hair for a moment with a gentleness that belied the fierceness of his tone. “I could kill him for doing this to you,” he whispered, “for crushing your spirit.
“I won’t deny that I’ve indulged myself and been far from monogamous.
But I want something more, something real. And I know you want that too.
What are the chances that your next boyfriend will be a virgin? Almost nil.
Your self-esteem will be an issue with anyone you date, not just me. And any man who would leave you because you were sexually inexperienced is not worth missing. You have to have faith, Julia, and you have to have hope.
Even if you don’t have any hope for us, you have to have hope for yourself.
Otherwise, you will never let anyone love you.”
“You don’t even know me.”
“I know more about you than you think and the rest I wish to learn.
Teach me, Beatrice. I’ll enroll in your university as your student. Teach me how to care for you.”
“Please, Gabriel. Be serious!”
“I am serious. There are a lot of things that we don’t know about each other. Things I am looking forward to finding out and exploring.”
“I won’t be shared.”
He growled. “I am not in the habit of sharing what’s precious to me.
I’m not going to allow another man to put his hands on you, and that includes Paul and any other Angelfucker out there.”
“I won’t share you, either.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that goes without saying.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he huffed.
“I would expect you not to sleep with anyone else, even while I’m still — deciding. As a demonstration of good faith.”
“Done.”
Julia laughed. “You say it as if it were easy! You’re willing to give up all of your female companions just like that in order to pursue the possibility of something with me? I don’t believe you.”
“I’m gaining more, much more than I am losing, believe me. And I intend to make you see that, over and over and over again.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“Paulina…” she whispered.
Gabriel continued kissing her, moving down to where her neck curved into her shoulder. “Don’t worry about her.”
“I won’t share you with her.”
“You won’t have to.” He sounded impatient.
“Is Paulina your wife?”
He pulled back and fixed her with a stony look. “Of course not. What do you take me for?”
“Ex-wife?”
“Julianne, stop it. No, she is not my ex-wife. End of conversation.”
“I want to know about her.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“For reasons I’d rather not discuss. I told you I’m not sleeping with her, and I won’t. That should be enough for you.”
“What about m-a-i-a?”
His face grew harsh. “No.”
“I saw the tattoo on your chest, Gabriel. I saw the letters.”
He crossed his arms. “I can’t.”
“Then I can’t, either.” She reached down to pick up her knapsack and coat.
He stopped her. “Julianne, tell me who made you feel so insecure about yourself and your sexual abilities. Was it Simon?”
She cringed.
“Tell me.”
“Don’t say his name around me.”
“You said it. You said his name in your sleep. You sounded upset. Tell me.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it makes me sick,” she whispered, silently pleading with him to change the subject.
An insight, dark and disturbing, slowly took hold of Gabriel’s mind.
And once it took hold, he could not rid himself of it.