“Whatchu got in your mouth?”
I bite my lip and cringe at how easily Gavin’s voice carries through the church. Carter bends over and whispers something to Gavin as they turn and start to walk back to their seats in the front row on the opposite side of the church from me.
“GIMMEE WHATCHU GOT IN YOUR MOUTH!”
I cover my eyes with my hand but not before seeing Gavin try to shove his little hand into Carter’s mouth. Carter smacks his hand away and as they both sit down, Carter pulls his cell phone out of the pants pocket of his tux and hands it over to Gavin. His face lights up with glee as he snatches the phone out of Carter’s hand and sits down quietly next to him. Obviously, Carter is quickly learning that as a parent, nothing works quite as well as bribery. Seconds later the opening notes from Angry Birds blare through the soft din of organ music, and Carter quickly grabs the phone from Gavin to silence the sounds while Gavin yells, “Heeeey! I was playing that!”
The ceremony finally ends and we spend the next couple of hours getting pictures taken. Before I know it, we are finishing up dinner at the reception and the wait staff begin clearing tables. As part of the wedding party, we are all seated at the long head-table at the front of the room. It’s always fun to sit facing a group of two hundred strangers so they can watch you eat.
Carter takes his seat next to me after a quick trip to the bathroom, and I noticed he was rubbing his shoulder in pain.
“What happened?”
“I passed Jenny and Drew on the way back from the bathroom. She wanted to know if I loved the Balsa McChicken we had for dinner,” Carter explains with a raise of one eyebrow.
“I take it you told her it’s called balsamic chicken?”
“No. I asked her if that was something new McDonald’s was serving on their menu with the McRib. Drew punched me.”
I glance around the room until I find my father and see him getting up from his table. He offers to head out early and take Gavin home with him as soon as he gets tired. I look at the chair next to me where Gavin is currently asleep on his stomach with his head, arms, and legs dangling down towards the floor.
“No, I didn’t club him like a baby seal,” I assure my dad as he puts his hands on the table and leans over it to get a look at his grandson.
“Your mother is starting to tell people about Tee Time. I think that’s my cue to leave,” my dad tells me as I stand with Carter while he scoops Gavin up into his arms and passes him off to my dad.
“What’s Tee Time?” Carter asks as we watch Gavin sigh and snuggle his face into my dad’s shoulder, muttering something about flashlights and donkey kicks.
My dad smiles evilly at Carter and then looks at me. “I’ll leave you two to discuss the Rachel Morgan Tee Time tradition.”
We say our good-byes and as the reception hall door closes behind them, my mother’s voice comes over the microphone’s speaker.
“TEE TIME! IT’S TEE TIME! Everyone meet over by the bar in five minutes!”
I close my eyes and sigh as I hear Jim let out an excited yell and jump up from his seat.
When I open my eyes, Carter is watching as a crowd of about twenty people, led by Jim, walk over to the bar.
“What is going on?”
“Carter! Now that you are part of this family, it’s time you learned about the grand old tradition that is Tee Time,” my mother exclaims as she pushes her way between us and grabs both of our arms to leads us to the bar. “This is an age old ritual that my family performs at every wedding to ensure the married couple lives a long, happy life together and that all of their ups and downs are in the bedroom.”
Jim stands by the bar, bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement as we made our way up to him.
“Mrs. Morgan! What’s our first order of business at this Tee Time gathering?” he asks with a big grin.
“I do believe whiskey is the first on the agenda tonight, my handsome groom,” she replies with a smack to his ass as she waves someone over from another table.
“Hold on, wait just a second!” Liz’s mom yells as she comes running up to us. “The cake needs to be cut, and you still haven’t done the first dance and the photographer still needs-”
My mom steps in front of Mary’s path and puts her hand up to stop her from getting any closer to Jim.
“Mary, dear, you look stressed. When was the last time you used the bullet I gave you for your birthday last year and gave yourself a nice, big orgasm?”
My mother, after having dealt with Mary Gates for enough years, knows exactly how to divert her attention onto something else. It's nice to see her focusing on someone else’s sex life for once. With Mary sputtering and at a loss for words, the wedding reception checklist is forgotten.
“I have to say, I’m a little bit astounded by the fact that you were still a virgin the night we met. How is it possible your mother never bought you a male hooker for your birthday?” Carter asks.
Jim lets out a cheer when he sees his mother-in-law practically running away from the bar and yells to the bartender for twenty shots of whiskey to go around.
“So really, Tee Time is just another excuse to get trashed at a wedding?” Carter asked.
“That would be correct,” I reply as I take the shot glass filled with amber liquid that is handed to me. “Calling it Stupid Time would just be too obvious.”
“I guess since you’re drinking that means this gorgeous stud hasn’t impregnated you again,” my mother states as she takes her own.