I stewed over reading more of Ryder's journal. Normally I wasn't one to snoop - or read another person's intimate writings without their consent - but in this case it was imperative. It was the key to Ryder's actions, and since my friends and I could possibly be in danger, I was doing more harm by not reading it than by reading it.
I sat at my desk and opened the journal again.
Day thirty-twoI hate who I've become. Destined for a life of solitude. Is this really me? What has happened?If Leopold and Hunter hadn't teased those wolves at the animal sanctuary, none of this would have happened. We were lucky they didn't kill us. It was stupid to sneak in after dark - and nothing goes right on a dare.But my arm didn't heal well - and theirs didn't, either. We all had fevers and bizarre dreams. We are all freaked out - afraid to admit to what really transpired and chalked it up to delusions from our fevers. But when I saw Hunter and Leopold change last night, I knew I was going to follow. Though I don't remember what happened next, I know from watching them that I, too, turned into a monster. And this isn't going away. I don't know what to do anymore but run.Ryder was experiencing the same anguish that Brandon and Nash had gone through. He was rough around the edges - there was no doubt about that - but this must have pushed him over the line. The whole lycan condition was fraught with torment, anxiety, and isolation. Even though his friends also experienced it, he was still lonely and scared like Brandon and Nash had been. For some reason Brandon handled it the best. It magnified his already good qualities. It made him stronger, and even more handsome. But that didn't mean that it was all glory for him. He had to deal with it just like the others - and that caused strain in his life. And as for Nash, it was wrecking him. I felt awful that any of these guys had to go through this horrible condition when it was tough enough already to deal with the normal challenges of high school.
I had compassion for Ryder - even though he was making it a point to bother me and my friends. He was going about dealing with his condition in the wrong way, but now that I'd read his thoughts, I wasn't sure he knew how to do it any differently.
As I reread the journal entries, I couldn't help but wonder about his attraction to me. Nash was the first major crush I'd had, and Brandon was my first - and only - true love. But Ryder stood somewhere else. For some reason, he was drawn to me - but I couldn't figure out why. He was the complete opposite of Brandon, really - and of me and my family. His style was very rough and edgy and he appeared to be dangerous. I couldn't stop thinking about him. And then I realized my fear had turned into fascination.
It had been a while since Juliette had come home from school. She popped in the following day, Saturday, to get some extra cash and more spring clothes.
"It's wonderful to see you," my mom said to her.
Our house was so much quieter when Juliette was away. And though I loved the solitude and being the only daughter for a change, there was a tiny part of me that did miss my big sister.
I sat on her bed. Her room was still the same as she left it. Mom and Dad were hoping to use her room as an office, but they wound up leaving it intact until she decided what she'd do after college. I thought it was more to do with my mom not wanting to let her daughter go completely.
"So how is school?" I asked.
"Love it. It's so much fun. What about you? Mom tells me you have a boyfriend. And it's not Nash."
I blushed.
"Is this the hot guy you were talking to me about last time when I came into town?"
"Yes."
"So what's he like?"
"He's everything I could imagine wanting. He's strong and handsome and funny and kind."
"Does he have a brother?"
"No," I answered with a laugh.
"So, what else?"
"There's this one other guy. I don't like him or anything. But he follows me, and he's really different. I wonder what it would be like..."
"So you have a crush. Big deal."
"You think so?"
"Hello. It's normal to find other guys attractive."
"But why him? He's rude and weird and has tatts all over."
"Sounds like my kind of man. Is he hot?"
I nodded.
"You know what I think? It's because he's different - the opposite of you and everything you want. Brandon is what you really desire, and this guy is someone you'd never see yourself with. So that makes him cool, too. The unknown, an adventure. Maybe it's about disclosing a rebellious and dangerous part of yourself that you find thrilling." She got a mischievous glint in her eye. "Have you kissed him?"
"No!"
"But you want to."
"No!" I said again. "I just don't know why I think about him."
"Because you have a mind."
"So it's not cheating?"
"You have to do a lot more than think about a guy to be a cheater," Juliette reassured me.
I gave her a squeeze.
"You are such a dork sometimes. I can't believe you are my sister," Juliette teased.
But I still felt odd that I was thinking about Ryder.