“Same hospital, right, but why would he know where they were?” There was something right there, but I couldn’t put it together.
“Right. Same hospital. They did emergency surgery there before Landstuhl.” I felt his gaze boring into me.
I shook my head, waving the papers. “What are you trying to tell me?”
“Look at the date.”
“July sixth.”
“What were you doing that summer?”
I thought back. “Um, I had just graduated high school, and Mom took me up after the Fourth of July to go to the Boulder campus because I’d decided to go to college with Riley.” Instead of Vanderbilt, where I’d wanted to apply; just another concession I made for our plan. “Mom took me . . .” Understanding dawned.
“Because your dad was deployed,” he finished.
Chills ran from my scalp down my arms.
“Look at the record, December. You know that handwriting.” His voice was gentle.
I flipped back to the start, for the attending physician. Dr. J. A. Howard.
There was no panic, no sense of betrayal, or anger, just the feeling that something had come full circle, complete. “He was your doctor.”
“He saved my life.” Josh sat on his bed and looked through his walls, lost somewhere else. “We were clearing a building when I went down. I’d only been in Theater for a month. One grazed my arm.” He pointed to the scar in his tattoo, the one I’d traced the night of the Snow Bash. “One went through my thigh and hit my femoral artery. They wheeled me into the CaSH, bleeding all over the place, and I knew I was going to die. Medics couldn’t get the artery clamped fast enough. Your dad got right down in my face and told me I was going home. He would make sure I was going home.” He looked back up to me, and I sank into those eyes. “After I woke up from surgery, that’s when he started talking to me and realized who I was. He’d seen me play when he’d taken you to a game.”
“Freshman year,” I whispered, remembering how unembarrassed I was to be there with my dad. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He reached out and took my hand. I tried to ignore the jolt that went through me at having his skin touching mine again. “You were so mad that he was ever in Afghanistan. I couldn’t tell you that if he hadn’t been there, I’d be dead. I didn’t want you to see me as the reason, your dad as the price of my life.”
“Is that how you feel?” I stepped closer, cupping his face as he looked up at me. I’d missed touching him so very much.
“Sometimes. But I’m not the only one he saved, Ember. There are countless others. He was an amazing surgeon. I wanted to tell you about it; I just couldn’t watch you walk away. You pushed me away for so long because you didn’t want to think of our relationship starting when he died. How could I tell you that he’s the reason I’m here?”
A wary apprehension stole through me. “Is that why you spent so much time with me? Being my whatever? Was all of this for my dad, to pay him back?” My heart seized in my chest, waiting to hear his answer. I needed everything to be real between us. I wasn’t sure I could handle being a pity case. “Were we real to you? I mean, you went right back to being . . . you.”
Pain lanced through his eyes before he masked it. “I have wanted you since I was eighteen.” He nodded his head toward the picture of us. “I wasn’t good enough for you back then. Hell, I’m not good enough for you now. You’re everything I’m not allowed to want, because of the things I’ve done, and the things I’ll potentially do. I had no right to love you, but I couldn’t help myself. Your dad had nothing to do with any of that.”
He pulled me into his lap, and I relaxed, powerless against him, because I wanted to be there, to steal whatever contact I could with him.
“When I saw you that day in the grocery store, you were even more beautiful than I remembered. It had been five years, and that girl who’d infatuated me grew up to be stunning and strong. I thanked fate, bowed down, and kissed her feet for bringing you my way. But when I heard you say your dad had died, I knew why I was there, in that store after a random drive.”
“Because you owed my dad for saving you, so you saved me.” As close as we were, my whisper was all we needed. “The funny thing is that I’m not even sure I care. You brought so much into my life, Josh. You broke me free of everything that held me back, and showed me what it was to be loved, really loved. If any part of that had anything to do with Dad, then it’s just something else I’m thankful to him for.”
“December, don’t you understand? I didn’t take care of you because I owe your dad; I went after you in spite of what I owe your dad. Me staying away from you for these last months? Not beating down your door at two in the morning when it’s killing me that we’re only separated by six inches of wall? That is what I owe your dad, staying away. I know you don’t want this lifestyle I’m about to lead. I know that regardless of what he thought, I’m not everything you need. But I also know there’s no one on this earth who can love you as well as I can, and I wish it was enough.”
My fingers stroked down his cheek, memorizing the feel of his skin, the rough scrape of his day-old scruff against me. My thumb grazed across his lips, the only concession I’d allow myself when it came to his mouth. “It’s not about love, Josh. It’s about fear, and it doesn’t matter how much I love you, or how desperately I want to be with you. I can’t live in fear of a doorbell. I won’t ever open a door to that again. I barely made it through losing Dad, and I know that was because you held me up. I wouldn’t survive losing you; it would crush my very soul and leave me to where I’d be dead, too, only I’d still have a heartbeat.” My lower lip trembled, and I lost myself to his eyes, the dark swirling depths and gold flecks that made him Josh. “You are an amazing man. Never say that you’re not good enough, because you are better than any of this.” I pointed to the door, where the girls waited for him. “Better than any of them. My fear doesn’t make you any less perfect. It makes me a self-preservationist. You—God, what I would do for you.”