I crouched next to the bed. She looked like hell. Maybe today I could get her to shower or brush her hair. “Mom?” I touched her wrist, which was turned up in sleep, her palm open like a child’s. Her brown eyes fluttered open for just a moment. She was there with me. It was the smallest of seconds, less than a heartbeat, but then I saw it take her, the knowledge that he was still gone, that this was real life, and her eyes glazed over.
“Mom, I have to grocery shop today. The house has no food and the kids went back to school.” I could tell she processed what I said, but she didn’t respond. “I think Gus has hockey this week, but I don’t know. January’s wall calendar isn’t complete.” Usually, her calendars were meticulous, her appointments punctual.
I had to try again. She had to respond. “Mom, I don’t know if I should use your debit card, or the extra cash lying around, but I have to shop today. Is there anything I can get for you?”
“Sleep,” she murmured. “I just want to sleep.”
Her eyes closed, and she was gone as soon as she said the words. My fingernails bit into my palms where I clenched my fists. I wanted to let loose a deafening scream, but that would be childish. About as childish as the burning green envy twisting my stomach into knots. I wanted the sweet escape she had.
I pulled her purse off the peg in the mudroom and emptied the contents onto the kitchen counter. Her wallet, sunglasses, keys, and the giant black notebook she lovingly called “The Brain,” all appeared before me. I opened The Brain up to January and saw that Gus had hockey beginning again this afternoon. The other dates in the calendar seemed inconsequential, seeing as I wouldn’t be here for them. April needed to figure this out quickly.
One more week. One more week here in this grief-ridden house and I could return to college. Kayla had already flown back to Boulder from visiting her parents in Massachusetts. I’d be back at the parties, the mixers, and classes. I wouldn’t have to think about whether or not April was up for school, or if my mother had eaten that day. I could be with Riley.
He hadn’t been around much. He always apologized profusely, but I knew the awkwardness of this house was nothing he was prepared for, even though he’d been a part of this family for over three years now. He wanted everything to be normal, the way it was in Boulder, and I did, too. The problem was that normal wasn’t an option for me anymore, but he hadn’t really shown up for me the last two weeks, so he didn’t know that.
I wasn’t sure normal would even be there when I got back to Boulder.
“Just take her debit card,” Grams commented from across the counter. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts I hadn’t noticed she’d crept in. “You know better than I do what this house uses, so you take yourself to that store.”
I showered, dressed, dried my hair, and grabbed my keys and Mom’s wallet on my way out the door. “And December,” Grams interjected, “call up that boyfriend of yours and get out of the house tonight. That’s an order.”
“Uh-huh,” I called back absentmindedly.
The grocery store was pretty empty as I tossed a bag of red apples into the cart and hunted for the pomegranates April loved. I moved on to Mom’s coffee creamer and included the cookies Gus craved. Item by item, I filled the cart until it took my full body weight to turn it, and then I had to figure out where to put the milk.
Yeah, that had to be enough, because nothing else would fit in the cart. My phone buzzed.
Kayla: Can’t wait to see you next week!
The feeling was mutual. In ten minutes alone she could make me forget anything was wrong. She was magnetic, vivacious, and my best friend in Boulder.
Ember: Man, do I need you! Let me know if you have time to swing down to the Springs before start of term. If not, I’ll catch you there!
Kayla: Will do! Smooches!
Ember: Smooches!
Smooches was a Kayla thing.
I paid for my groceries, smiling as I thought of Josh paying for my cake. I wanted to see him again, but Riley would have a cow. He knew all about the crush I’d had on Josh freshman year. Hell, every girl had had one. Josh had been forbidden, untouchable, and a little dangerous, if those rumors about street racing were true. Talk of him getting kicked out of his previous school compounded with bad-boy racing, a harem of willing girls, and the legend that was Josh Walker was pretty much a given. Not that I had to worry about Josh; he didn’t exactly look my way. Ever.
He’d looked at plenty of girls though. I’d seen girls on his arm every day, and never the same one for long. If Josh had been interested in a girl in high school, there was only one reason. Even if I wasn’t with Riley, there’s zero chance I’d set myself up to be taken down by a player like Josh. Besides, I’d always be with Riley.
I loaded the groceries into the trunk and headed to Starbucks for an afternoon fix.
As the barista filled my order from the drive-thru window, I opened my sunroof and tilted my face back to the warmth. The January air was frigid, but the sun stroking my face felt delicious.
It was the first time anything had felt good since . . . well, notification.
A smile spread across my face as the scent of my salted caramel mocha filled the car on the drive home. Maybe Grams was right; I needed to get out of the house and remind myself that life still waited out there.
A dozen or so trips later, I had the bags spread out in the kitchen, the contents spilling onto the counter. I heard the door open a scant second before Gus hit the entryway, a cacophony of stampeding feet to the kitchen. “Cool!” he called out, snatching a box of Fruit Roll-Ups from the counter. “Snacks!”