It was then he realized how out of balance they had become. How their pieces had become too jagged to fit together. No matter what, he and Tristan always had each other to share the darkness, always had each other to mirror their thoughts, to see the pain in the shadows, and to share it.
It was lonely as hell feeling like you’re the only one, never seeing a part of yourself in someone else, and they shared that. Even if those pieces weren’t beautiful, even if they were ugly to other people, they understood it. The past week or so, they hadn’t had that. They’d been floating, alone on the raft, getting farther and farther from the light. Farther from Josiah.
Light and dark. Now they’d lost their source of light, and they’d also lost their company in the shadows, the one to share the darkness with.
With slow steps, Mateo walked over to Tristan and kneeled on the floor in front of him. “Let me in, mi pieza perdida. Let me share some of your demons. We can handle them together until we get him back to help us wipe them away.”
Tristan looked down at him, dark hair coloring his jaw. Dios, he was fucking beautiful. In his anger, Mateo hadn’t let himself see that. He was beautiful and broken, just like Mateo was.
“I haven’t...” Tristan shook his head. “I haven’t dreamed of him in so long. Christ, I feel dirty, knowing I let him pay me to be his whore. I can’t always give myself to you and Josiah because of what I let myself become. Because of the things I’ve done.”
And that right there was why Mateo could never let Tristan go forward with what he planned with Javier. The reason didn’t matter. Mateo wasn’t worth another dark spot on Tristan’s soul.
“We can’t lose him,” Tristan said.
Mateo shook his head. “We won’t lose him.” Teo would never let that happen. Not again.
“I can’t lose you.”
The weight inside Mateo lessened. “You won’t lose me. I’m his and I’m yours. You’re his and you’re mine. He is fuckin’ ours.”
And then Mateo became something he wasn’t with anyone other than Tristan. Submissive. He turned and sat between Tristan’s spread legs on the floor. Leaned back into him, giving Tristan his weight. Knowing that even though Tristan needed him right now, he also needed to be in control, the dominant position in it all. And fuck...maybe Mateo needed that from him, the one place he got it.
Tristan’s arm came around him, his hand slid under Mateo’s shirt, rubbing against the tattoos there. “I want these gone. All of the ones that are part of your old life. I don’t care if you cover them with something else, but anything that has to do with your gang isn’t a part of you.”
He wanted that so fucking much, too. He hadn’t been sure if he was ready, if he deserved it, but he wanted it. And if Tristan said it was time, he would trust in that. “It’s fuckin’ done.” They were both quiet for a moment before Mateo said, “You need to give yourself to us more. Let us kill those fuckin’ memories of all that shit you had to do, and replace them with us.” He made sure to stress the had so Tristan understood that he hadn’t had a choice. He’d been taking care of his family the only way he knew how.
“Yes.” That one word held so much power. That was Tristan, though, simple yet powerful.
“We hurt him,” Tristan added. And they had. Mateo understood that.
“We did, and I fuckin’ hate that. I’ve hurt him too much. I don’t ever want him to hurt again. But he’s not the only one.”
Tristan’s hold on him tightened. “No, I guess he’s not. You don’t think I’m strong enough to handle it? To take care of you both?” Tristan’s voice cracked as he spoke, and Mateo understood the admission hurt him. Made him feel weak, because Teo would feel the same way.
“It’s not that I don’t think you can do it. I don’t want that for you. You have enough pain. I wanna ease it, not make it more painful.”
“And I need to know I can do it. That I won’t fail you. That I can be the man you were when you protected Josiah. When you avenged him after people hurt him.”
Mateo had never verbally admitted any kind of weakness to anyone except for Josiah and Tristan. The words made acid burn his stomach, but he knew he had to say them now. “I didn’t see that. I thought you didn’t trust me to take care of you both. You can fuckin’ do anything, Tris. You brought him back to life when I snuffed his light out. You built this fuckin’ empire. Protectin’ you both is the only thing I have. It’s all I was able to give Jay, and it’s all I have for you. If I thought Javier would hurt either of you, I wouldn’t hesitate to take him out. If somethin’ needs to be done, it should be done by me. You deserve more than to live with that shit, and if you don’t wanna do it for yourself, do it for him. He deserves better than goin’ to bed at night with two men who have done somethin’ unforgivable.”