CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Tristan
Tristan knew what it felt like to live with guilt. He’d survived being weighed down with it his whole life. Survived was a better word for it than lived, because he hadn’t really lived before Josiah and Mateo.
Now he felt like he was only surviving again, the guilt of what he’d set into motion pulling him under. Every time he tried to breathe again, it felt as though he sucked in a mouth full of water—no air. Not because of Javier. Mateo was incorrect about that. No matter how wrong his plan was, he couldn’t feel bad about that.
The man was evil, unworthy. He’d ruined lives. He’d tried to take Josiah’s. He’d almost succeeded in taking another part of him as well. Tristan knew what it was like to give someone a part of you that you didn’t want to give. Even so, Tristan had done it by choice. If those men had raped Josiah, there would have been no choice.
So, he wouldn’t allow himself to feel regret over that. The ropes that tied around his ankles, pulling him deeper and deeper from the surface, were because of what it was doing to them. Because of what it did to Josiah and Mateo.
Mateo could hardly look at him, anger and frustration always there. He couldn’t understand what Tristan did. Didn’t have faith in Tristan to protect them.
Josiah sensed their distance, and for him it was nothing but pain. He needed them, and Tristan was ruining that for Josiah.
But then, Mateo may not be able to look at Tristan, but he could look in the mirror. If he found out what Javier did, Mateo would never forgive himself. He would never be able to look in the mirror again, and that would wreck Josiah as well. Tristan would sacrifice himself for them.
Tristan needed to avenge them in a way he had never done for his mother, or even himself. He’d never confronted Wilson about what the man had paid him to do.
So, despite feeling like he was drowning every day, he didn’t back down. Despite his insides being eaten away with what he knew, because of what he was doing, he stood his ground.
Mateo couldn’t live with himself if something happened to Josiah, if he knew about that night in the alley. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from going after Javier. That’s what would kill them more than what Tristan did. The guilt would truly kill Mateo, as would the fact that Mateo would make sure it was his hands that ended Javier. All he wanted was to not be the person he had been. It would push him over the edge to take a life again, and that would hurt Josiah as well.
Still...it’s wrong.
But was it really? After everything Javier had done, would do, was it really that wrong to end his life? Tristan had never been one to debate moral issues like this, but they were always on his mind now.
“Tristan?” Josiah stuck his head inside the office door. “Dinner is almost done. Teo will be home soon. I want us to eat together tonight.”
They hadn’t fed the birds together once in the past week. The three of them hadn’t shared a meal together, either. Tristan and Josiah had. Josiah and Mateo had. But not the three of them.
“Okay. I’ll be right there.” It was probably the wrong thing to say. Mateo needed space, but the smile on Josiah’s face made it worth it. How could he deny him that? Taking it away from him would make the light both himself and Mateo needed dim out.
Tristan put his papers away, like he always did in case they had a surprise PO visit, and then made his way down the hallway and into the kitchen. Josiah stood at the wine fridge, looking at the selection before he pulled out a bottle. It was such a small change in him, but one that Tristan loved. He knew what flavors would mix well together now, and often chose what they drank with dinner.
“Do you need any help?” Tristan asked as he went to the sink and washed his hands. Maybe this is what they needed. Maybe he needed to just go back to their normal lives, to force Mateo to relax back into the familiar pattern they shared.
“No. I just have to pull it out of the oven. Sit down. I’ll grab it. Teo should be walking in any second.”
Tristan did as Josiah suggested, watching as his lover pulled a dish from the oven. His hair went into his face, and that made Tristan smile. He imagined Mateo pushing it back, rolling his eyes at Josiah as though he didn’t know what to do with him.
A minute later, Josiah set the dish on the table and then sat across from him. “We should wait for Teo. I’ll text him to see where he is.”
Tristan nodded and waited as Josiah pulled his phone out of his pocket. Watched as he frowned at the screen. Got tense as he saw Josiah dial. Listened as Josiah waited for Mateo to answer.
“Hey, when will you be home? Tristan and I want to have dinner with you.” Josiah paused, listened. When he closed his eyes, Tristan did the same.