Josiah could see the rigidness leave Tristan’s body at Mateo’s last words. It left Josiah’s at the same time. They both stepped closer to Teo but he shook his head, walked around them and sat on the ledge of the almost wall-length window.
“I...” Teo’s leg was bouncing, and Josiah had no doubt he wanted to vomit. That was always how Teo tried to purge the bad.
“I hate the things I’ve done.” The bounce in his leg got stronger. “I fucking hate it, and it’s there all the time. I try to ignore it and try to shove it aside, but it’s always fuckin’ there, those images in my head, visions in my sleep. When I touch you...” finally he glanced up, first at Josiah, and then at Tristan.
“Both of you, I see blood on my hands. I feel like I’m gettin’ that shit on you, and I don’t want that. Fuck, I don’t wanna see that anymore. I don’t wanna be that ever again. How do I make it go away?” Teo held their gaze. “I wanna make it go away.”
Pain landed in Josiah’s chest. It was always like that when he saw how hurt Teo or Tristan really were, but... “You are. Don’t you see you’re doing that?” The words had hardly left Josiah’s mouth by the time Tristan reached Mateo. By the time he bent in front of him.
In a way, both his men saw Josiah in a different light than themselves or each other. It was something he knew, something he heard in how they spoke to each other, and spoke to him. Not respecting one above the other or caring about one above the other, but he knew he was more sensitive than them. He still blushed sometimes at the things they said and he’d never had the strength to do some of the things Teo had done, or to forge his own path the way Tristan had.
They dealt with things differently than he did. Tristan and Teo connected on that level of responsibility for everyone and self-anger that Josiah didn’t have. Josiah saw the differences in himself compared to his men and he was okay with it. They balanced each other out, and because of that balance, he understood that Tristan and Teo were seeing themselves in each other right now...and that it would help.
He could give this to them because they gave him something every day. More than he ever expected, because he knew how much they both loved him. That’s what he needed. To be loved by them. To know he gave them happiness.
“Josiah’s right,” Tristan told Teo. “You are more than you realize. You are incredible no matter what you’ve done, and partially because of it.” Tristan’s thumb brushed over the scar on Teo’s neck, where his father had cut him.
Teo looked up at Tristan, then Josiah. “I don’t want to have to do that shit anymore. I used to go to Jay with blood on my hands, and so much fucking shit in my head. I can’t do that anymore. Not for me, and not for you guys. Dios, we’re all fucked up in so many ways, but still, you have your shit together. You went to college, and law school. You put people like me behind bars. Jay went to school, and now he’s making his dream come true. I just...” Teo shrugged. “I want that, too. I used to think if I took care of Jay, maybe that would be good enough to override all the bad, maybe if I keep goin’, be the guy who people don’t cross the street to get away from when I’m walkin’ with Jay, or the guy who can come into your office for lunch if I want...maybe that’s what I need to make it really go away. Make it so I don’t see that shit every fuckin’ day.”
Since he was sixteen years old, Josiah had loved the man sitting in front of him right now, loved him with everything he had inside him. But somehow, in this moment, it was magnified. Immeasurable. Infinite. Teo had always had a lot of qualities—he was unselfish and loyal to a fault. He loved big and was the most self-sacrificing person Josiah knew. But he’d never had one thing. Hope. Listening to him right now, it’s all Josiah heard in his voice. He wouldn’t accept things couldn’t get better, that he would never be more than the ex-gangbanger.
“So what are you going to do?” Tristan stood, then Teo did the same.
“I don’t know... build Josiah’s dream.” He cocked his head backward slightly, a half-grin on his face telling Josiah to come to him. Which he did. “It’s almost like it’s our dream, Jay. Not just yours.”
And it was. He’d whispered his dreams to Teo when they’d been nothing but kids, and now they were getting it. “It is,” Josiah told him.
“And be there for you... Push you... Have you.” Teo’s words were spoken to Tristan. Josiah held his breath as he waited for Tristan’s reply, only breathing again when Tristan nodded at him.