As I stepped out of my room, Chester came lolloping over to me, wagging his tail as he looked up at me with his big brown eyes. I smiled and bent down, petting his head before nuzzling my face into the side of his. I sighed, knowing I needed to get going. I was already an hour later than I said I wanted to leave. I had a long drive ahead, and if I wanted to make it there before nightfall I needed to get a wriggle on and go.
Heading down the stairs, I purposefully tried not to listen to the snivelling that was coming from the lounge. I knew I was going to be missed. “Guys, I’m ready. I’m just taking the last bag out now if you want to come and see me off,” I called, picking up my backpack that was packed full of sandwiches, drinks and candy bars. The big bulky furniture had already been sent ahead and was waiting for me in my student accommodation that I would be sharing with three others. All I had was my clothes and small possessions left to take with me in the car.
I didn’t wait for them to follow me, just turned and headed out of the front door. I’d already done my last tour of the house, now I was eager to leave and get a new start.
When I got to my mom’s cherry red Rover I popped the trunk, throwing the last bag in and then struggling to close it again after. I was borrowing my mom’s car for now, until I could afford to buy one of my own and then they would take it back apparently.
Zach was the first to reach me, followed by my parents and brother. I’d already said my goodbyes to Charlotte and Beth last night when we had a girlie night. I was kind of grateful that they weren’t here now; both of them had been a mess last night so their crying today probably would have started me off all over again.
Zach stopped at my side and chewed on his lip. “You’re really going?” A frown made crinkles around his eyes.
I nodded in confirmation. “Yep.”
He sighed and shook his head. “But I didn’t get a chance to make my move on you. I was building up to it and everything. You never know, in another couple of weeks I might have worked up the nerve to ask you out,” he said, raising one eyebrow teasingly.
I chuckled, knowing he was only joking. “You should start dating, Zach. Don’t keep thinking that you’re not good enough because of your ADHD. You’ll make someone a great boyfriend,” I replied, slapping his shoulder in encouragement.
A gave me a sad smile. “Well that’s all well and good, but you’re now moving halfway across the country for four years,” he replied cockily.
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He never did give up teasing me, but I had actually come to like it. I would probably miss his teasing when I was alone with no friends and no one to talk to. “Shut up, Zachary.” I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly. “Look after my brother for me, huh? He’s gonna play the big macho kickboxer routine, but I know he’s gonna miss me more than he’s letting on,” I whispered.
He nodded, his hand stroking my back softly. “I will. Promise.” He kissed my cheek gently before I pulled away and smiled. “I’m going to miss you, little rebel. We’ll keep in touch though, right?”
I grinned and nodded. “Right,” I confirmed. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the next goodbye as I turned to my dad. My mom was still sobbing up a storm, blowing her nose loudly into a Kleenex so I wanted to leave her for another minute to sort herself out. “Bye, Daddy.” His arms wrapped around me tightly, too tightly, and for too long. It was almost as if he couldn’t let me go, but then he groaned and released me all at once, stepping back and shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at the floor.
I turned to my mom and smiled, chuckling to myself. “You’re coming to visit me next weekend,” I reminded her, shaking my head.
She blew out a big breath and looked up at the blue sky. “I know, I know. I just all of a sudden developed empty nest syndrome. Maybe I should have listened when your father tried to talk me into having more kids a few years ago,” she replied, chuckling too as she swiped at her nose again.
“I’m still up for the idea,” Dad said behind her.
I cringed, as did Alex. “Seriously. No,” I begged. “Save that conversation for once I’ve left, okay?” I joked, wrapping an arm around my mom’s shoulders and planting a kiss on her wet cheek.
“And once I’ve left home too. I do not want to hear that kind of thing,” Alex chimed in, dramatically shuddering.
I giggled, loosening my grip on my mom and stepping back so she was at arm’s length. I gripped her shoulders, looking into her blue eyes that I’d inherited. “I’ll see you in a week. I love you,” I told her honestly.
She sniffed loudly and lifted her chin. “I love you, too.”
And then it was Alex’s turn, which was probably going to be the hardest one of all. We’d never really been apart before. Although he drove me crazy, we were still very close so it was hard knowing that I wasn’t going to see him for a while.
He kicked at the ground, his shoulders hunched as he frowned down at the floor as if it had offended him somehow. “Gonna miss me?” I asked, cocking my head to the side, willing myself to be strong and not cry. I didn’t want to have a watery goodbye, so I’d promised myself that I’d be strong for this.
“No,” he scoffed, shaking his head dismissively. “You gonna miss me?”
A smile twitched at the corners of my mouth. “No.”
He chewed on his lip and kicked at the floor a couple more times before looking up at me with sad eyes. “Make sure you tell everyone that you have a brother that’s a kickboxing champion and that he’ll happily beat the shit out of every single guy that looks in your direction.” His tone wasn’t even a little bit joking which made me laugh.
“I will don’t worry.” I crossed my heart with one finger, grinning up at him.
He sighed and reached out, yanking open the driver’s door for me. “Drive carefully. Keep your chin up. And don’t let those summer school kids walk all over you,” he instructed. “I’m at the end of a phone, and I can be there in six hours if you need me.”
“It’s a nine hour drive,” I teased smugly.
He shrugged. “I could make it in six if I needed to,” he joked. Suddenly he sighed, looking away from me and up at the horizon. “I don’t want to say bye, so just go. I’ll see you soon.” He was gnawing on his lip furiously, and I was sure he was going to hurt himself soon, but that was his way of coping. He didn’t really like to show a weakness. It was probably down to his training for his fights, he was always taught not to show weakness because it can so easily be used against you.
“I’ll see you soon,” I replied. I looked back to see that my dad was hugging my mom who was all out bawling now and was sure to be leaving a gross trail all over his shirt, but he didn’t look like he cared. His eyes met mine and in those few seconds his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He didn’t need to say the words for me to understand how much he was going to miss me and how worried he was that I was going off alone after everything that I’d been through recently.
I smiled reassuringly before catching Zach’s eye and giving him a small wave. I didn’t wait for anymore goodbyes; I just climbed into the car and buckled my seatbelt, letting Alex slam the door behind me. His hand gripped at the open window frame, his knuckles going white before he let go, turned and stalked back into the house without another word.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, but I didn’t doubt that I was doing the right thing for myself in leaving. I needed this. I was suffocating here, and I needed to escape the memories that taunted me on a daily basis. As I started the engine I noticed that Zach had followed Alex into the house. I smiled to myself because I knew that he’d keep good on his promise and would make sure that my brother was okay.
I pulled out of the drive, determined not to look back. The car rolled down the road and as I got about three houses away I suddenly started to panic. My foot came off the gas and hovered above the brake. I hesitated for a second, looking in my rear-view mirror, seeing my parents standing there still, watching me go. My resolve faltered, my courage disappeared in an instant, and I suddenly doubted that I was strong enough be alone and start over.
Just as I was about to depress the brake and turn the car around so I could stay, my dad raised his hand, waving goodbye before turning my mom away and leading her inside.
My eyes glazed over as I turned my attention back to the road ahead. That one little move from him gave me my confidence back. He hadn’t stood there expecting my return, he’d waved goodbye and then gone back inside. He had more faith in me than I did and had no doubt in his mind that I was leaving and that this was it. He obviously hadn’t seen my foot hovering as my mind wavered. My dad’s small wave goodbye gave me one last boost in confidence, so I pressed my foot down on the gas and rolled down the road again.
As the street disappeared behind me, so did my nerves. I was going to make it, I knew I was. Sure it would be hard, but I would get there, eventually. Maybe one day my heart would stop hurting and I’d be able to think of Luke without it crushing me inside. Maybe I’d even be happy again one day. Who knows.
Epilogue
The necklace dangled where it had been hung for the last year or so – over the post of my bed. Every now and again the light would catch it in a certain way, making the diamond on the front sparkle. Then it would draw my attention and the memories would flood back at once. That was usually one of the nights that I cried myself to sleep. It didn’t happen very often now though; for the most part I’d moved on. I used the words ‘moved on’ in a very liberal sense because only parts of my life had progressed beyond eating ice-cream and sitting around in my pyjamas. I knew I would never be over it completely.
In some ways though I had managed to regain some semblance of the old Maisie. I had just started in my second year at college; I had a new bunch of friends, and a job that I worked at the weekends selling electrical appliances. My new friends didn’t know much of what went on, just that my boyfriend had died in an accident, nothing else. One of my roommates was even doing the same course as me, so we had become pretty close.
Today was a hard day. Today was valentine’s day, and of course I didn’t have a date. Not that I wanted one, because I didn’t date at all, not since Luke. But today was a day for love, for kissing and cuddling, and for telling your partner that you loved them entirely. And I was alone.
I sighed now and reached for the locket, easing it up off of the bedpost. The metal was smooth and cold to the touch as I ran my finger over the swirly pattern on the front. When I got to the side of it, I popped the catch and looked down at the photo. I hadn’t changed it from the one that Luke had put in there when he gave it to me. I smiled down at the badly cropped photo of us that he’d managed to get inside there. My smile in the photo was a genuine one, and I longed to be able to smile that easily again. Happiness came so easy back then, but now I had to work hard for it. Being ‘normal’ was hard work for me, but I still had hope that one day I’d get there.
I didn’t read the words on the back of the locket, they always upset me and made me feel miserable for the whole day, so instead I just closed it and hung it back into its place on my bed. I forced myself to get to my feet. Maybe college will give me a distraction and stop me feeling sorry for myself. Grabbing my backpack, I slipped on my converse and trudged across my room to my door. I was in halls, so I had my own room but shared a bathroom, kitchen and lounge with three other, what can only be described as, animals. I cringed as I stepped out into the messy hallway, almost stumbling over a pair of shoes that had been abandoned casually in the middle of the walkway. I sighed and kicked them over to the side, shouldering my bag as I stepped into the kitchen.
Georgia was sitting at the counter, munching Cheerios straight from the box, watching Jerry Springer and chewing loudly. She stopped, a handful of Cheerios half way to her mouth. “What the? He’s not the dad? Well be grateful, sister, because bad teeth are genetic,” she jeered, chuckling to herself before throwing in another mouthful of cereal, dropping some down her shirt in the process. I smiled. Georgia, my best friend at college, was a talk show freak, and had to have her fill of drama before college every day.
“Morning,” I greeted, dropping my bag on the counter, narrowly avoiding knocking over a dirty bowl that looked to have contained cereal once.
She didn’t take her eyes off of the TV as she offered me the box of cereal she was eating. “DNA tests reveal that he’s not the father of her child even though she told him she didn’t sleep with anyone else while they were married. Apparently he has his suspicions that she slept with his brother though,” she explained without greeting me.
I stuffed my hand into the box, grabbing a handful out too. “Sounds like it’s just getting interesting,” I replied, pulling up a stool and watching too, just for something to do.
Georgia glanced at me from the corner of her eye. “You okay today?”
“Peachy,” I lied, nodding and willing her to drop the subject.
She snorted, putting down the box and turning off the TV as she twisted in her chair so she was facing me. “Know what we’re going to do tonight?” I raised one eyebrow in prompt, shrugging. “Drunkeness. Total fall on your face, flash your underwear, and throw up in the street drunkenness,” she answered, crossing her arms over her chest. Her expression was stern, challenging even, almost as if she was daring me to oppose her.
I laughed and let out a little groan. When she turned off Springer I knew she was serious. She never turned off Springer for anything, she was a total fangirl. If she wanted drunkenness tonight, then drunkenness would be had whether I wanted it or not. Georgia, being the great friend that she was, had rejected the date with her boyfriend, Ste, tonight because she knew that I would be alone. She was a great friend even though I had only known her for a year and a bit.