“Do you like that?” I ask, already knowing she does.
“Yes,” she answers through gritted teeth.
“Do you want me to do it again?”
“Yes,” she cries out, her legs stiffening in anticipation.
I look up at her. “Do you want to feel heaven?”
I know she wants to roll her eyes at me, but instead she says, “Yes,” in a pant.
“Then take the sheet off us.”
She peeks down at me. “What?”
“You heard me, take the sheet off and watch me.”
I see her fingers let go of the bottom sheet and as she starts to tug the top one down I grab it and pull it off us. With sunlight shining on us I dive down, wanting to devour every single inch of her. Her fingers thread in my hair. And when my fingers move her apart and my tongue dips inside, she tugs on my locks. When her knees pop up and her toes dig into my calves, I know she’s close. I look up at her—her hooded eyes filled with desire look back at me.
“No, Ben. Please don’t stop,” she says, her words choppy, sounding as though she’s having trouble speaking.
“I won’t. Just tell me where you want to go,” I answer, my words coming out with equal effort
“Take me to heaven, Ben. Make me come.”
My mouth covers her again and this time I lick and suck at the same time and let her find her release. I want her to feel something she never has. I want to be the one to take her heaven.
“Oh, Ben, yes!” she screams.
My hands find her toes curled into my calves and I clutch them as she rides another wave of pleasure and then another. With my heart pounding in my ears, I crawl up her body and hover over her and stare down at her. Again I have to swallow the lump in my throat, but it has nothing to do with sadness. It’s her beauty and I don’t understand where these feelings are coming from, but at the same time I don’t care. Her hands glide down my face, and the smile on her lips grows wider.
Unable to speak, I simply stare into her eyes. Her hands move to my cock, and her finger goes right to that spot beneath it. Fuck, if I weren’t already ready for her, what she’s doing right now would make me hard instantly. Finally I reposition myself and slide my straining c**k slowly inside her. Her pu**y is wet and as I fill her I can’t stop from shuddering at the overwhelming pleasure.
Her back arches.
“Oh God,” I groan, and bury my face in her neck.
Pleasure strikes immediately. She feels warm, welcoming, and so ready for me that I can’t control myself.
She smooths her hands down my back and runs her nails over my muscles. My blood feels as if it’s on fire. I push deeper, move faster. She urges me faster with her h*ps and this time I can’t hold on. When she moans louder suddenly, that’s all that matters. In this one single moment all I can feel is the need for release.
“Fuck,” I call out when she changes the angle of h*ps by wrapping her legs around me, allowing me to thrust even deeper inside her. I’ve had sex with countless women over the last three years, but not one of them has made me feel like this right now.
I chance a look in her eyes and I’m done. It’s a bolt of lightning crashing through my body.
“Come with me,” I plead with her, my voice hoarse.
“I will, I will, I promise,” she cries in a ragged tone.
I close my eyes. My muscles tense everywhere. And as we call out each other’s name in unison, my body jerks and I feel as if I’m breaking through some unknown barrier I didn’t know existed. I open my eyes to look at her as I come harder than I’ve ever experienced. I feel as if my body is exploding—as if it’s separating into smaller pieces and leaving this universe for another. The feeling scares the living shit out of me.
It takes me a few minutes to collect myself. Sweat coats my body, my c**k throbs inside her, and finally I collapse next to her, unable to move. I bury my face in her neck and when I feel the air return to my lungs I kiss her softly. First her shoulder, then her neck, her jaw, and finally her mouth. She kisses me back, mimicking my own pattern. She kisses my mouth, my jaw, my neck, my shoulder. I shiver at her gentleness. Maybe that’s what’s different about her? The f**king isn’t just f**king. It’s intermixed with tenderness. I haven’t felt that in a long time. I think I missed it.
I roll off her, the weight of my odd feelings heavy on my mind. She stays silent and so do I. But I pull her to me and then tug the sheet back over us. I bury us in our cocoon where I don’t have to try to figure out what the hell is going inside my head.
I must have fallen asleep, because when she turns in her sleep, it awakens me. Her back nestles into my front and I curl my arm around her. Her skin is warm and feels incredibly comforting against mine. My fingers mindlessly play with the shamrock in her belly button.
“You asked me if I knew if the baby was a boy or a girl,” she says, and the sound of her voice surprises me.
My movement stops for the briefest of moments but then I continue to finger the ornament. “Yeah, I did.”
“What I said sounded cold. But it wasn’t like that.”
I close my eyes. “I never thought you sounded cold.”
“I loved the baby. That’s why I knew I couldn’t keep it.”
I kiss her cheek and let mine rest on hers. Inside our cocoon we can talk about anything and I know this is something that she needs to share and I need to hear.
“Knowing the sex would have made it all too real. It was better for me not to know. Can you ever understand that?”
I kiss her cheek again, leaving my lips there because I feel the wetness of her tears. Then I turn her around to face me. “I do understand, S’belle. I do.” My fingers move back to the symbol of our baby she wears to remember, although I don’t think she needs to wear the shamrock to remember. “This is a beautiful thing,” I say, circling her belly button. “But you did what you thought was best for the baby and you don’t have to take the blame alone anymore. Let me help you.”
Her tears fall and her cries grow louder and I let her get it out. Let the emotion she’s kept bottled up for all these years spill out onto me. I know we can’t change the past. I have no idea what would have happened if she had told me, and that enables me to share in the blame. I want to help her heal the wounds that she hasn’t allowed to close. My arms tighten around her and I whisper, “It’s time to let go, S’belle. It’s time to let go.”
I don’t know how much time passes, but when I feel her breathing even out, I know she’s fallen asleep. I hope when she awakes, the burden she’s carried on her shoulders will feel a little less heavy. I carefully lift the sheet and slip out to shower. When I finish I go in search of my clothes, then remember I ripped the buttons off my shirt. I creep into her closet and find a USC sweatshirt large enough for me to wear. It looks familiar and I wonder if it’s mine from so many years ago.With a grin on my face, knowing it is, I grab my keys and hers as well. I open the door to go pick us up some food and come face-to-face with S’belle’s brother—Xander Wilde. We were in the same fraternity in college, although he’s older. I knew who he was but didn’t really know him. Last year I saw him again at Dahlia’s house when he pulled his brother off me and Caleb hauled my ass out of the room. Not one of my fondest memories—getting my ass beat. But in hindsight it was well deserved. My cocky attitude and belligerent words were more than deserving of River’s anger.
His eyes narrow as they assess me. I feel he’s trying to determine if I’m good enough for his sister. Maybe I’m aiming higher than I should. In fact, I’m sure I am because I actually feel he’s trying to determine if I’m as big a piece of shit as he believes I am. It’s how I imagine I’d feel going to pick a girl up for a first date and having to meet her father, one that already hated me. But since I dated Dahlia all through high school and I had grown up next door to her, thank f**k I never had to experience that kind of scrutiny, because this is a really uncomfortable feeling.
He steps around me and makes his way in, looking around for Bell. “Where’s my sister?”
I take a deep breath and extend my hand. “Xander.”
His eyes keep sweeping the apartment. Then he nods, extending his hand in return, allowing his eyes to settle on me for a quick second. At least he doesn’t leave me hanging. “Jack told me what happened yesterday. I stopped by to check on Bell.”
Fuck me if this couldn’t be more uncomfortable. Normally I’d have already said f**k you. But since I’ve just spent the last . . . I don’t how long . . . f**king his sister and she’s sleeping n*ked in the other room while he’s here to check on her, and I do want to try to earn his respect, I face his scrutiny head-on. “She seems to be fine. She said her head only hurts around the stitched area.”
His face turns red. His fists clench.
I start to wonder if he’s going to be the next one throwing a punch at me. I’m not worried for myself. I just want to prove to S’belle that I can handle the situation. So if he wants to pound the shit out of me, I’m going to let him. I need to make things right with her family, and although him throwing a punch at me isn’t ideal, it’s a start. I brace myself and fight the urge to retaliate.
“I’m going to kill that motherfucker one day,” he blurts out in a huff.
I let my tension release and nod in agreement. “My feelings exactly.”
“I had a bad feeling about him from the day I met him. I told Bell, but she always sees the good in people and couldn’t see it.”
I know there was a dig in there for me. I could hear it in his voice.
“Where is she?”
“She fell asleep—”
“I’m right here.” She pops up in the doorway fully dressed—thank f**k.
“You woke up?” I smile over at her.
Her eyes dart to my sweatshirt and she grins at me.
Xander crosses over to her and pulls her in for a tight embrace. He leans back to look at her forehead and hugs her again. “Are you okay?”
She nods.
“You sure?”
I place my hand on the door as I witness what I already knew. This girl has been loved, protected, and sheltered her whole life by a family that adores her. There is no bad in her. She’s good through and through. I wish I could say the same. A feeling that maybe she’s too good for me makes my body tremble slightly. But when she looks over to me from her brother’s arms and winks, my stomach leaps.
“I’ll leave the two of you to talk.”
She pulls away from her brother and frowns at me.
“I thought I’d go grab some food.” I quickly add, “Where is the closest Italian spot for takeout?”
She smiles and her eyes gleam.
“Vito’s. Around the corner on North La Cienega Boulevard,” Xander says.
“Thanks.” I turn the handle on the door.
“Hey, man,” he says, and I turn around. “Thanks for taking care of my sister.”
I nod and as I turn back I catch S’belle’s big green eyes shimmering with happiness.
CHAPTER 30
Roar
Bell
The thing about family is—you can love them and dislike them at the same time, and right now I’m torn at seeing Xander. I nod toward the dark clouds massing on the horizon. “Looks like another storm is coming?”
He huffs, “I’m not here to talk about the weather.”
My brother’s stare is fierce, but I know I can be fiercer, or at least I think I can.
“I know.” I smile to lessen the tension.
His brow furrows as though he wants to say something but changes his mind.
“I quit my job.”
That earns me a smile.
“Finally,” he sighs with relief. “You know I never liked that guy. Bell, I understand you better than you think I do. I know you’re determined to prove to us that you can make it on your own. But I came over here to tell you, the thing is, you don’t have to.”