Chapter Sixteen
After they done finished cookin big Sam's tribe, an shrinkin they heads, the pygmies slung us between long poles an carried us off like pigs into the jungle.
"What do you spose they intend to do with us?" Major Fritch call out to me.
"I don't know, an I don't give a shit," I call back, an that were about the truth. I'm tired of all this crappola. A man can take jus so much.
Anyhow, after about a day or so we come to the village of the pygmies, an as you might expec, they has got a bunch of little tiny huts in a clearin in the jungle. They truck us up to a hut in the center of the clearin where there is a bunch of pygmies standin aroun - an one little ole feller with a long white beard an no teeth settin up in a high chair like a baby. I figger him to be the king of the pygmies.
They tumped us out onto the groun an untied us, an we stood up an dusted ourselfs off an the king of the pygmies commence jabberin some gibberish an then he get down from his chair an go straight up to Sue an kick him in the balls.
"How come he done that?" I axed Grurck, who had learnt to speak some English wile he was livin with Major Fritch.
"Him want to know if ape is boy or girl," Grurck say.
I figger there must be a nicer way to find that out, but I ain't sayin nothin.
Then the king, he come up to me an start talkin some of that gibberish - pygmalion, or whatever it is - an I'm preparing to get kicked in the balls too, but Grurck say, "Him want to know why you livin with them awful cannibals."
"Tell him it weren't exactly our idea," Major Fritch pipe up an say.
"I got a idea," I says. "Tell him we is American musicians."
Grurck say this to the king an he be peerin at us real hard, an then he axe Grurck somethin.
"What's he say?" Major Fritch want to know.
"Him axe what the ape plays," say Grurck.
"Tell him the ape plays the spears," I say, an Grurck do that, an then the king of the pygmies announce he want to hear us perform.
I get out my harmonica an start playin a little tune - "De Camptown Races." King of the pygmies listen for a minute, then he start clappin his hans an doin what look to be a clog dance.
After I'm finished, he say he wants to know what Major Fritch an Grurck plays, an I tell Grurck to say Major Fritch plays the knives an that Grurck don't play nothin - he is the manager.
King of the pygmies look sort of puzzled an say he ain't never heard of anybody playin knives or spears before, but he tell his men to give Sue some spears an Major Fritch some knives an let's see what sort of music we come up with.
Soon as we get the spears an knives, I say, "Okay - now!" an ole Sue conk the king of the pygmies over the head with his spear an Major Fritch threatened a couple of pygmies with her knives an we run off into the jungle with the pygmies in hot pursuit.
The pygmies be thowin all sorts of rocks an shit at us from behin, an shootin they bows an arrows an darts from blowguns an such. Suddenly we come out on the bank of a river an ain't no place to go, an the pygmies are catchin up fast. We is bout to jump into the river an swim for it, when suddenly from the opposite side of the river a rifle shot ring out.
The pygmies are right on top of us, but another rifle shot ring out an they turn tail an run back into the jungle. We be lookin across the river an lo an behole on the other bank they is a couple of fellers wearin bush jackets an them white pith helmets like you used to see in Ramar of the Jungle. They step into a canoe an be paddlin towards us, an as they get closer, I seen one of them is got NASA stamped on his pith helmet. We is finally rescued.
When the canoe reach our shore, the guy with NASA stamped on his helmet get out an come up to us. He go right up to ole Sue an stick out his han an say, "Mister Gump, I presume?"
"Where the fuck has you assholes been?" hollared Major Fritch. "We been stranded in the jungle nearly four goddamn years!"
"Sorry bout that, ma'am," the feller say, "but we has got our priorities, too, you know."
Anyway, we is at last saved from a fate worse than death, an they loaded us up in the canoe an started paddlin us downriver. One of the fellers say, "Well folks, civilization is just aroun the corner. I reckon you'll all be able to sell your stories to a magazine an make a fortune."
"Stop the canoe!" Major Fritch suddenly call out.
The fellers look at one another, but they paddle the canoe over to the bank.
"I have made a decision," Major Fritch say. "For the first time in my life, I have found a man that truly understands me, an I am not going to let him go. For nearly four years, Grurck an I have lived happily in this land, an I have decided to stay here with him. We will go off in the jungle an make a new life for ourselfs, an raise a family an live happily ever after."
"But this man is a cannibal," one of the fellers say.
"Eat your heart out, buster," says Major Fritch, an she an Grurck get out of the canoe an start back into the jungle again, han in han. Jus before they disappeared, Major Fritch turn aroun an give Sue an me a little wave, an then off they go.
I looked back to the end of the canoe, an ole Sue is settin there twistin his fingers.
"Wait a minute," I says to the fellers. I go back an set down on the seat nex to Sue an say, "What you thinkin bout?"
Sue ain't sayin nothin, but they is a little bitty tear in his eye, an I knowed then what was bout to happen. He grapped me aroun the shoulders in a big hug, an then leaped out of the boat an ran up a tree on the shore. Last we seen of him, he is swingin away thru the jungle on a vine.
The feller from NASA be shakin his head. "Well, what about you, numbnuts? You gonna follow your friends there into Bonzoland?"
I looked after them for a minute, then I said, "Uh, uh," an set back down in the canoe. Wile they was paddlin us away, don't you believe I didn't think bout it for a moment. But I jus couldn't do it. I reckon I got other weenies to roast.
They flown me back to America an tole me on the way how there was to be a big welcome home reception for me, but seems like I have heard that before.
Sure enough tho, soon as we landed in Washington bout a million people was on han, cheerin an clappin an actin like they is glad to see me. They drove me into town in the back seat of a big ole black car an said they was takin me to the White House to see the President. Yep, I been there before too.
Well, when we get to the White House, I'm expectin to see the same ole President what fed me breakfast an let me watch "The Beverly Hillbillies," but they is got a new President now - feller with his hair all slicked back, puffy little cheeks an a nose look like Pinocchio's.
"Tell me now," this President say, "did you have an exciting trip?"