“What does that even mean?” I said. “don’t you think that if the situation were reversed—”
“I would be jealous, yeah.to think about another guy touching you, or you . . . touching him. yeah. I’d be jealous.”
“See?”
“But I wouldn’t leave you there in the middle of a restaurant looking like an idiot. I wouldn’t worry you like that.”
“Oh, c’mon.you weren’t worried.”
“Yes, elsie, yes, I was.”
“What did you think was going to happen?”
“I don’t know!” he said, raising his voice again. I was so cold. the rain was so loud. “I thought maybe that this was . . .”
“Over?”
“I don’t know!”
“It’s not over,” I said. “Just because I got upset doesn’t mean that I don’t want . . .” suddenly, I wanted to hold him and make sure he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. His vulnerability was so tender and touching, I almost couldn’t stand it. I put my hand out and smiled at him. “Besides,” I said. “We can’t break up for another few weeks.”
He wasn’t smiling. “It’s not funny,” he said, his shoulders hunched, combating the rain. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I looked him straight in the eye and I told him what I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know. “Ben ross, I’m not leaving you.” Before I could even get out the last syllable, he had thrown his body against mine, his lips against my mouth. It was sloppy and imperfect. our teeth hit, making the side of my lip sting. But it was the moment I knew Ben loved me. I could feel it. I could feel that he loved me in a raw and real way, when it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, when sometimes it’s fear. I could feel his fear in that kiss and I could feel the desperation in his relief. It was intoxicating and it made me feel just a little less alone. the way we felt about each other, it made him do stupid things too.
He pulled away from me, finally, and yet all too soon. I had almost forgotten that we were in public, that we were in the rain. “I’m sorry,” he said, putting his thumb to the blood on his lip.
“No,” I said, taking a tissue out of my jacket and dabbing his lip myself. “I’m sorry.” He put his hand on my wrist and moved my hand away from his lips. He kissed me again, gently.
“You’re very sexy,” he said to me, as he fished his phone out of his jacket pocket. He pressed a few numbers and said finally, “Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Ben ross. please leave a message and I’ll call you back. If this is about what I’m doing later tonight, I am busy. don’t bother asking because the answer is that I am busy. From now on, I will always be busy.” He hung up the phone and looked at me.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said. Ben smiled at me. “no,” he said, taking the valet ticket out of his pocket. “I really do hope she stops calling. It’s not going to happen. I have a huge crush on someone else.”
I laughed at him as he handed the ticket to the valet.
“It’s you, by the way,” he said plainly, as he pulled his jacket up over my head to protect me from the rain.
“I figured,” I said.
“So are you still starving?” he asked. “Because I am and we certainly can’t go back in there.”
June
Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Ben ross. please leave a message and I’ll call you back. If this is about what I’m doing later tonight, I am busy. don’t bother asking because the answer is that I am busy. From now on, I will always be busy.”
“Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Ben ross. please leave a message and I’ll call you back. If this is about what I’m doing later tonight, I am busy. don’t bother asking because the answer is that I am busy. From now on, I will always be busy.”
“Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Ben ross. please leave a message and I’ll call you back. If this is about what I’m doing later tonight, I am busy. don’t bother asking because the answer is that I am busy. From now on, I will always be busy.”
I listen over and over again until I know the inflections and pauses by heart, until I can hear it even when it’s not playing. and then I dial again.
This time I don’t get to the message. susan picks up. “elsie! Jesus! Just stop it, okay? leave me alone. I can’t take it anymore! He’s going to be buried! Just like you wanted. now stop.”
“uh . . .” I say, too dumbfounded to even know how to respond.
“Good-bye, elsie!”
She hangs up the phone.
I sit there stunned, simply staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused, but resting on one spot on the ceiling. she could have turned off the ringer, I think. she could have turned off the phone. But she didn’t. she wanted to scream at me instead.
I dial Ben’s number again and she picks up. “damn it!” she says.
“You want to sit there and pretend you knew everything about your son, you go ahead. live the lie if you want to. But don’t try to bring me down with you. I am his wife. He had been scared to tell you about me for six months. six months of him going to your house with the intention of telling you that he had fallen in love and six months of him not doing it because he thought you were too distraught to handle it. so yes, he hid it from you. and I let him because I loved him. you want to be pissed at him. Go ahead. you want to be in denial about what happened. Go right ahead. I really don’t care anymore, susan. But I lost my husband and I will call his f**king phone over and over and over if I want to because I miss his voice. so turn it off if you have to, but that’s your only option.”
She’s quiet for a minute, and I want to hang up but I also want to hear what she has to say for herself.
“It’s funny to me that you think six months is a long period of time,” she says. and then she hangs up.
My fury sends me up out of my bedroom. It throws shoes on my feet. When ana asks what I’m doing, my fury tells her I’ll be back later. It pushes me out the front door, into the June heat, and then it leaves me there.
I stand outside, unsure of how I feel or what to do. I stand there for a long time, and then I turn around and walk right back inside. there’s no walking away from this problem. there’s no cooling off from this.
I have to pick out an outfit for tomorrow,” I say when I come back in.
“No, you don’t,” ana says. “I pulled out what you’re wearing. you shouldn’t have to think about that.”
“What am I wearing?” I look at her, grateful and confused.
“I tried to find the perfect balance of sex appeal and decorum, so you’re wearing that long sleeveless black shift dress I found with black pumps. and I bought you this.” ana pulls something out from under the couch. It occurs to me this couch has been her bed for days now, when I’m not using it to avoid my own.
She returns and hands me a box. I set it down in front of me and pull off the top. Inside the box is a small black hat with a thin, short black veil. It’s a morbid gift, a gift you can’t really say “thank you” for or say you always wanted. But somehow, this small gift fills a small chunk of the huge hole in my heart.
I slowly move toward it, delicately removing it from the box. the tissue paper crinkles around it. I move the box from my knees onto the floor and I put the hat on. I look to ana to help me set it straight, to make it right. then I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time since Ben died, I look like a widow. For the first time since I lost him, I feel like I recognize the person in the mirror.there I am, grief-stricken and un-whole. Widowed. It’s such a relief to see myself this way. I have felt so insecure in my widowness that seeing myself look like a widow comforts me. I want to run to susan and say, “look at me. don’t I look like a woman that lost her husband?” If I look the part, everyone will believe me.
Ana is behind me in the bathroom. Her shoulders are hunched; her hands are clasped together, fingers intertwined. she is clearly unsure if she’s made a huge mistake in giving me the type of gift one hopes never to receive. I turn to her and take off the hat. she helps me set it down.