The boys as they ran from one side of the house to the other, the only reprieve in my day knowing they were happy. Obviously, bath time was being avoided. I pushed off the counter to rally everyone into the bathroom.
The doorbell chimed as I dragged my feet toward the stairs, changing my path to answer the door instead. I palmed my wallet from the side table as I went.
“That’ll be $23.60, thanks.” The delivery driver smiled when I opened the door. A young girl, no older then seventeen, all but bounced on the spot. Some people clearly loved their jobs far too much.
“Thanks.” I handed over some cash and told her, “Keep the change.” Jordan bounded past me and took the pizza and wings from her hands before I could even reach for them. I chuckled, so much for the bath.
“Thanks for the tip. Would you mind terribly if I gave you one of these?” The curly redheaded pogo stick held out her hand with a small white card in it. I took it between two fingers with my eyebrows raised, wondering what the hell she was giving me. “I’m trying to make money to help with my college tuition.” She bounced on the balls of her feet as she spoke a huge smile still in place. “I babysit, mow laws, do cleaning, cooking and errands. Just about anything you can think of I can try.” She told me, her springy red hair falling out of her baseball cap.
“Oh, sure. Sounds good.” I yawned not able to withhold my tiredness.
“Great, thanks, super! Well, if you ever find a need for any of those things, there’s a number on the card. Have a great night, mister!” I closed the door as she bounded down the front steps and back to her little car. Not taking much notice, I threw my wallet and the card onto the side table and headed to the living room to see what scraps of food the garbage disposals I called children had left me.
Haven
I was afraid of so many things. I knew in the bottom of my heart and soul I just wasn’t enough. Being alone, not being worthy, being the wrong person, feeling too much, not feeling enough, people seeing me cry, never being loved, getting my heart broken… I was afraid of being human.
I was afraid of being me.
Those lines… ‘I ’m just not ready for a relationship.’ ‘I need to evolve as a human being.’ ‘It’s not you it’s me.’ ‘Don’t take it personally. You’re a great girl.’ I’ve heard them all before.
They drew you in and spat you out every time. But I couldn’t be bitter. I never would be. I’d just always be a fool, the fool who hoped against all odds that I’d find that person who’d look at me like I mattered, the one who’d hold me just because they wanted to… who’d call me at night just to hear my voice. That one person I could give myself to completely without fear or regret. That one person who could look at me with tears rolling down their face and still tell you I’m the most beautiful person in history. A fool who’d stumble and fall over my crushed dreams but get back up and do it all again later.
Tears rolled down my face and I pulled my comforter over my head, burrowing down into my nest of pillows in the hope I wouldn’t feel so alone in the cold of the night. So irrelevant, so broken, so very damaged.
The sound of my broken heart beating in my chest lulled me off to sleep. My eyes drifted closed and the silence I was accustomed to faded into darkness.
Monday came far too quickly and with a burst of sunshine I silently wished death upon. Like a sick twist of fate, I passed more than my fair share of ‘happy couples’, all of whom made me want to regurgitate my coffee and bagel.
“Stupid feelings,” I grumbled at the sidewalk. I pushed the button on my keys, unlocking my car and flinging the door open. I threw myself into the driver’s seat and tossed my handbag beside me. “Boys are dumb,” I repeated my mantra as I jammed the key into the ignition with vengeance and started the engine. I could smell him in my car; the heady scent of Jude was all around me. He’d been in my car just days before, checking it out at the garage and that overwhelming smell that was just him still lingered. Lemon, a small hint of leather, engine grease and his own natural pheromones that always seemed to have me wanting to lick him. It was infuriating when I was in such a foul mood. I just couldn’t avoid him no matter how much I tried.
“Fuck this!” I slammed the car into gear and rolled down the windows. I didn’t need the constant reminder of Jude, in my car no less. It was bad enough he invaded my thoughts, my dreams, my very soul. I couldn’t have him permeating the air inside my car too.
Everything conflicted within me as I made my way to Needle’s Kiss. My first day on the job and already I was a frazzled mess.
“If you want to be treated as an adult, Haven, act like one.” My pep talk did a whole bunch of nothing to calm the storm raging on my emotions.
Stewing the entire way to work, I grumbled and glared at anything that could have possibly offended my mood, and most things that didn’t. Pulling up to the parlor, I scolded myself for being childish and tried to paste a sweet smile on my face. After all, it was my first day working in a job that could possibly hand me my freedom and some much-needed respect from my big ogre brothers.
“Morning,” I called out in a fake-as-Barbie tone, the front door charm sounding at my appearance.
“Morn… hot damn, sugar!” Teeny stopped dead in her tracks, all but breaking her neck doing a double take. “What happened to you?” She met me at the front counter and looked me up and down.