It was pointless to buy a bikini and wear it only once, so Carmen bought a black push-up bra and some skimpy black briefs trimmed with black ribbon. When she modeled them in front of the mirror, they did things to her figure she never would have guessed. Never would she have thought that a push up bra was necessary with ample firm breasts, but they swelled from the bra in a way that was smooth and attractive. The front of the panties was low, but high enough to cover her scar. He didn’t need to be reminded of that. Her skin was still pale from the winter past, and worry had removed the precise amount of weight. She not only looked more attractive, but also felt more attractive. She tried posing in several places, but felt silly doing it. Maybe it would be easier when he was there. Brushing her hair until it shined, she put her clothes on over the new underwear and headed for the kitchen to start supper.
That evening she caught him watching her several times. He had a strange expression on his face, as if he had x-ray vision. Actually, he probably detected that she was nervous about something and probably wondered what it was.
Once the kids were in bed, they retired to their bedroom. While he was in the bathroom she stripped down to the black underwear and gave her hair another brushing. She left it down, letting the soft curls spill over her shoulders For a minute she fought back panic. He wouldn’t like this. It was too bold. He liked her innocence. But the idea was shock therapy. Finally, taking a deep breath, she walked close to the bathroom and leaned against the wall. He had his head down as he brushed his teeth, so she tried several poses. Nothing felt right, so she decided to tuck her hands behind her back and simply lean against the wall.
He finished brushing his teeth, rinsed his mouth and then wiped it. Finally he reached out to return the brush to its holder. Glancing in the mirror, he did a double take when he saw her. The toothbrush slipped out of his hand, clattering into the sink. He swung around, soberly surveying her from bare feet up, stopping at her breasts.
His expression revealed nothing but shock. Warmth invaded her neck and cheeks. It was a foolish thing to do and he didn’t like it. She pushed away from the wall, trying not to reveal her shame. Retrieving her robe from the bed, she was about to put it on when his hand captured her arm in a steel grip. Before she could escape into the modesty of the robe, he pulled her toward him. Far from the romantic scene she had rehearsed in her mind, his hungry gaze sought hers in a naked quest. This wasn’t what she wanted. Clutching the robe to her midsection, her upper chest exposed beyond control, she tried to twist from his grip. For a moment his persistent grip reminded her of another time when he had overpowered her. In that moment she wanted to scream and run. And yet, how could she blame him for thinking that this was all she wanted? This wasn’t romance.
He jerked the robe from her hand and pulled her close in an intimate embrace, forcing his lips down on hers hungrily. She struggled in vain to break his grip, turning her head to the side to avoid his lips. Not like this.
“Don’t,” she gasped.
He forced her face around, claiming her lips again. This time not so roughly. Short of fighting him off as she would an attacker, there was nothing she could do but submit. His fingers forced the straps from her shoulders and slid them down her arms. He was not rough, though he wasn’t gentle, either. He was simply forceful. He took her hand and pulled her to the bed. There he gently but firmly pushed her down on the bed.
“No, Alex. I don’t want to,” she said, trying to rise.
He gave no indication he heard. His eyes were dark with emotion as he dived into the bed with her. There was no getting away from his frenzied assault. Once again she allowed him to fill his needs, simply waiting for it to be over.
Finally, while he was sleeping, she took a shower and pulled on a long nightgown. Grabbing the bra and panties, she went to the living room and threw them into the fireplace. With the assistance of a few newspapers, she watched them burn to a crisp. So much for being frugal.
Long after the fire burned down, she stared at the ashes, tears coursing down her cheeks. How did a happy couple get to this point? More importantly, how did they get out? Who was this stranger and what had he done with sweet Alex? Would it be like this from now on? A strangled sob escaped her lungs. By day he was the man she married – less a voice. By night he was a demanding stranger who knew no bounds.
She crawled up on the window seat and curled into a ball. All the crying had left her exhausted, but she didn’t want to go back to their bed. If he would only put an arm around her when they slept, like he used to, she might feel better. Instead he would lay there beside her, neither touching her nor giving any indication that he knew she was there.
For a while she cried, and then she finally slept.
Sometime in the night Alex came and lifted her off the window seat. It was the first time he had lifted her since the stabbing, and it occurred to her that he might strain his wound. For a moment he held her, looking down at her face. In the dim light it was hard to tell what his expression was. Then again, if the room were clearly lit, she still wouldn’t know what he was thinking. His arms were strong and sure. It felt good being in them again. Something stirred deep inside, increasing her pulse. She tipped her head back, longing for him to kiss her the way he used to.
He carried her back to their room and gently placed her on the bed. Avoiding her eyes, he pulled the covers up to her chin and turned the lamp off. Then he walked around to his side of the bed and lay down. Instead of putting an arm around her waist and drawing her close, he turned away from her.
For a moment she stared at the dark form of his back. She reached out to touch his shoulder and then hesitated. Maybe his wound hurt from lifting her. In any case, he needed the rest. He had to get up early in the morning and go to work.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rolling away from him, she sorted through endless subjects before finally falling asleep.
In the morning she made his breakfast and left to do the chores. When she returned, he was gone. Nothing could explain the sadness she felt at that discovery. It was what she thought she wanted.
Later, when Katie asked what happened, she merely said it didn’t work. The details were too humiliating and this wasn’t something she wanted to discuss with anyone – not even a professional.
Jonathan was out of camp now, so he was at the house all day. He couldn’t possibly know or understand, but he seemed to sense something was wrong between them. Alex signed all the time now, never bothering to write anything down. It must be a nuisance to carry a pencil and tablet around all the time, but her sign vocabulary was still limited, which resulted in very little communication.
Sometimes when she was working in the kitchen, she would catch him watching her in that strange way and worry that there would be another such night, but it didn’t happen. In fact, he no longer made any husbandly demands on her. It should have been a relief, and it would have been if she had considered it progress.
With their financial health intact, she made arrangements to proceed with the work on the house. Somehow painting those rooms didn’t have the same appeal. Once the carpet was laid, it would be ready for occupants. Without Alex to advise her, it was a project she wasn’t looking forward to. Still, they had spent so much money on it and needed to start getting something back.
Alex was sitting on the porch swing, nursing a cup of coffee the morning they arrived to work on the house. Through the window she watched him stand and walk over to the porch rail, watching them intently. Maybe he wanted to handle that part of it, but it was done now.
The school was planning a summer fund-raiser and she had volunteered, so she was getting ready to go to a meeting. Alex had agreed to watch the kids until she got back. She went to the bedroom and pulled a white sundress from the closet. It was one of the few dresses she owned, and it was one Alex had not seen her wear yet. Not that he cared what she wore anymore. The dress felt cool as the full skirt fell to her knees. Sticking her arms through what passed for an armhole, she shrugged into it, struggling to zip it up in the back. The off-the-shoulder style with its white lace made the most of her newly acquired tan, and the shiny black belt and full skirt made her waist look small. The crisp cotton material moved around smoothly as she turned to leave the room. White high-heeled sandals clicked smartly as she walked across the porch behind Alex. From the corner of her eye, she saw him turn to watch her. Down the steps and around to the car, and then she made the mistake of glancing up at him. For a moment as they gazed at each other forlornly, she wanted to run to him. How long had it been since he had held her – kissed her? That bittersweet chocolate gaze mesmerized her, filled her with a longing that he would not satisfy. He stood there, so handsome and so unattainable, playing with her heart. She drew in a shaky breath and let it out.
“Good-bye,” she said, and turned to the car. It crossed her mind that if she didn’t do something, she might lose him, but for the first time the thought wasn’t frightening. She had already lost him. All that was left was the physical act of being gone.
The meeting only lasted an hour, and when she returned, Destiny was taking a nap. Jonathan was watching a movie and Alex was nowhere in sight. She went straight to the bedroom to change clothes before starting lunch. Checking the bathroom to make sure he wasn’t there, she removed her belt and shoes. Lacing fingers behind her neck, she arched back, feeling the muscles in her back stretch. It was a hot day and she was already exhausted.
The door opened behind her and Alex walked in. Every muscle in her body stiffened as he shut the door and walked across the room to her. As she watched him in the mirror, he stopped behind her and surveyed her soberly. Finally he reached out and took her waist in his hands, drawing her back against him. She stood stiffly, waiting. He bent his head, his warm lips planting gentle kisses along her neck and shoulder. The room was electrified with his presence. To move, or even breathe, would have destroyed the moment. And yet, her heart had increased its rate and demand so that she must breath. Maybe this time he would be different.
And then his fingers were unzipping her dress in the back – slowly and gently. Closing her eyes, she leaned back, quickly sucking in a breath as his warm hands moved inside her dress and gently surrounded her waist. As he drew her toward him in an embrace, she clutched the dress with her arms. Not again. This time she wouldn’t fight. The sooner she submitted, the sooner it would be over.
He stopped and she counted the seconds, opening her eyes when she reached 15. He was watching her in the mirror, his expression a blend of surprise and disgust. He released her and stepped back. For a moment he searched her face in the mirror, and then he turned away, striding from the room. As the door clicked shut behind him, her breath escaped in a strangled sob. Covering her mouth, she sank to the floor, consumed with silent sobs. What right did he have to be disgusted with her after what he had done?
They needed to talk, but he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t write. If he couldn’t sign it, he simply didn’t convey it. Her sign language vocabulary had increased, but many things were still difficult to understand. Of course, he could hear. Nothing was stopping her from talking to him – nothing but fear. He would sit there looking at her as he had since he came home from the hospital, not talking and his expression revealing nothing.
That night she slept on the window seat, and he didn’t come get her. Sunday morning she was stiff and tired. By the time she finished showering and dressing, Alex had Destiny ready. They ate breakfast and arrived at church promptly. Jonathan hurried off to bible class and it was Carmen’s turn to help out with the infants, so she took Destiny with her. Alex, Bill and Katie attended worship together.
Later, Katie took her aside. “What’s going on between you and Alex?”
“Nothing.” And boy-howdy, was that the truth.
“Alright, let me rephrase that.” Katie said, rolling her eyes. “What isn’t going on between you two?”
“Is it that obvious?”
Katie snorted. “I could cut the tension between you two with a knife. Is it the same thing? Did you talk to him?”
Carmen shook her head.
“Well how do you expect him to fix it?”
“I don’t expect him to fix it. He knows the problem. He just doesn’t want to do anything about it.”
“What makes you so sure he knows?” Katie asked. When Carmen didn’t respond, she threw her hands in the air and rolled her eyes. “I guess you know you just blew a hole in the perfect relationship theory. Are you going to let him slip out of your hands or are you going to do something? You do still love him, don’t you?”
“I don’t know.” The words slipped out and even shocked her. Of course she loved Alex, but who was this stranger, and when would Alex return?
Katie stared at her. “Wow,” she finally said, and that was the end of that discussion.
Later she spotted Katie talking to Alex. Their expressions were unusually sober. Katie said something to Alex and he glanced quickly at Carmen. Hopefully she hadn’t repeated the information. Katie said something else to him and then marched away. Alex stared after her thoughtfully and then glanced at Carmen again. His reflective gaze covered her absently for a moment and then he looked away. Jonathan joined him and they both walked away.
When they were getting ready to leave, Alex took Destiny from Carmen’s arms and opened the door for her. It was something he always used to do, but hadn’t done since he came home from the hospital. She lowered herself into the seat, glancing up at his face. His expression was bland, but those delicious chocolate eyes wandered over her face in a disturbingly familiar way before he shut the door. With Destiny buckled in safely and Jonathan sitting beside her, he climbed behind the wheel and started the car. Reaching over, he patted her hand. When she looked at him, he kept his eyes on the road. What was that all about?
After lunch he disappeared for a while and when he finally returned, he signed that they were all going to take a ride in the buggy. They hadn’t done that in months, and the kids were excited. The ride turned out to be a trip to the old house to see how things were coming along. It was the first time Alex had been there since the stabbing – and the first time she had ever seen him look frightened. It hadn’t occurred to her, but why not? It was a traumatic experience for both of them, and hadn’t she felt ill the first time she went back? It must be doubly so for him.
Jonathan begged Alex for the key and ran ahead of them. Alex climbed down and lifted Destiny out of the buggy. The minute he released her on the ground, she ran after Jonathan. Alex grabbed Carmen by the waist and lifted her out, standing her gently on the ground. As they started toward the house, she took his hand. He glanced down at her, searching her face. She squeezed his hand and smiled.
He let lose of her hand and slipped an arm around her shoulders. Throwing an arm around his waist, they walked to the house together. Words weren’t needed for something like that. In fact, they were probably more an obstacle than the ordeal ahead of him.
Inside, the house smelled of fresh paint and it looked completely different. The soft warm beige had a yellow highlight that reflected the evening sun. The kitchen had been completely remodeled and there was a ceiling fan in every room. The old stove had been replaced with a large fireplace.
“Oh Alex, Mom and Dad would have loved this.” She glanced up to find him staring at the spot on the floor. It had been washed, but the color was different in that area. “I had them wash it,” she said. “It will be covered with carpet by next weekend.”
His face was pale and his lips were tight. Body language announced that he was emotionally reacting – something his facial expression didn’t betray. Finally he looked away, shifting his attention to the improvements. Many of them were ones he had suggested – like the size of the fireplace and replacing the stairs with a spiral staircase. That was something she had trouble imagining, but the wrought iron design was open and graceful. In fact, the entire design of the living area was more open and roomy than the new log home where they now lived.
Destiny wore herself out and fell asleep in the buggy on the way back. Carmen took her in the house and put her to bed while Alex unharnessed Ed. When he came back in, he grabbed Carmen by the hand and led her to the study. Starting up the computer, he pulled up a word program and typed something. Carmen grabbed a chair and sat down beside him, reading as he typed.
“Katie says I’d better find a way to communicate with you. She also said if I didn’t want to lose you, I’d better start acting more like the man you married and less like the frightened zombie you brought home from the hospital.” Carmen gasped. “I didn’t say that!”
His eyes held a glint of humor. “No, that sounds like Katie, doesn’t it?”
She nodded and laughed nervously. Now that he had opened the conversation, she was ready to close it. Maybe she was the one with the communication problem.
“What’s going on with us, Carmen?” He turned and met her unsteady gaze.
Indeed, what was going on? She looked down and plucked at a loose thread on her dress. “I don’t know.” She couldn’t let this moment drift by. He was trying to communicate – to improve their relationship. She owed it to him to be honest. She bit her lip and then lifted her gaze to meet his.
“Sometimes I feel like you’re a stranger.”
His brows shot up and he made use of the keyboard. “When we make love?” When he turned back to her, the gaze was as direct as the question.
She gnawed on her lip again. “We don’t make love, Alex. That’s the problem.”
This time the brows lowered to hover over brooding eyes. He pounded away on the keyboard. “I thought you didn’t want me to touch you.” Looking back at her, his gaze was piercing.
Taking a deep breath, she plunged in. “There’s a difference between romance and sex. I feel like you’re using me – like it means nothing to you. I feel cheap and . . . insignificant.” It was difficult to describe the depth of her feelings. Finally she ducked her head and came to the direct point. “You raped me.”
He was quiet a moment, and finally she looked up to determine his response. He looked as though he’d been slapped. Finally he turned back to the keyboard.
“You’re my wife!” Temper made her brave and she lifted her head. “I said no, Alex – twice. I know you heard me. If a woman says no and a man does it anyway, isn’t that rape? Or is it somehow different when she’s his wife? Whatever you want to call it, I felt violated.”
For once his face was a kaleidoscope of emotion. Finally he began typing.
“What about the clothes you were wearing? I thought it was a game.” She gasped and covered her mouth. So that was why he acted that way.
“But we don’t play . . . sex games. What made you think that I would . . .”
She stopped. But they did play games with each other. Hadn’t she been delighted when he chased and tackled her? Of course, they were laughing and having fun. And therein lay the difference. She attempted to wet her dry lips with an equally dry tongue.
“It wasn’t a game to me. I wanted you to notice me – romance me like you used to. Then when I saw your face, I was ashamed. I thought you didn’t like it.”
A smile plucked at the side of his mouth and his eyes twinkled with humor. He typed a short sentence and then stopped.
“I liked it.” He sobered, staring at the screen a moment before typing again.
“You were exquisitely beautiful - standing against that wall looking so innocent – not posed like so many women do who have half as much to show off. Geez, Carmen. I’ve never seen you like that before. I was overwhelmed.” He drummed his fingers, obviously contemplating his next words.
“The other day, when you had that white sundress on, you looked so irresistible.”He paused a moment, staring at the screen as if it might respond.“You shuddered when I touched you, as if you were afraid.” His fingers poised over the keys several times as if he were going to type more. Finally he left it that way and turned to examine her face.
Exquisite? And how could he use the word ‘innocence’ in conjunction with the way she was dressed? Obviously she had no idea what he was thinking when it came to that type of thing. And romance; was it simply his ticket? If she hadn’t humiliated him that day as they stood before the mirror, maybe this conversation would never have been necessary. Leave it to a man to avoid expressing how he felt, but it had to make him feel less of a man. He deserved an honest answer about her response. She swallowed down a lump in her throat.
“I wanted you to touch me. I wanted you to hold me, but I was afraid. I remembered how you acted when you saw me in the black underwear. I thought . . . that it was going to happen all over again. I didn’t want that, Alex. Not that way.”
For a moment his gaze ran over her face, and then it found her eyes, probing her mind without revealing a single thought of his. Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, he rubbed his face with his hands finally taking his eyes off her face. Then he ran both hands through his hair. Leaning back in the chair and lacing fingers behind his neck, that bland gaze roved over her face again.
Finally he lowered his hands and leaned forward to type.
“We can’t treat each other this way, Carmen.” She nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” He pursed his lips and stared at the screen. “Every day I’ll write you something. Every day you write me something, Okay?” She frowned. “But I can talk.”
His smile was wry. “Yes, but you don’t communicate,” he typed.
It was painfully true. She let out a long sigh. “I’ll write something every day.” If nothing else, it would put them on equal ground.
He typed again. “Thank you for taking care of me all this time. I got used to you taking care of me. I guess I took you for granted. I’m sorry.”
Of course! Why hadn’t she thought of that? It couldn’t be easy shifting from the role of the patient to the demanding role of husband and father. She wasn’t helping much.
He turned away from the monitor and searched her face again. What was he looking for? After a moment he leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth. It was a simple kiss that had no reason to quicken her pulse, but it did. For a moment she sat still, wishing that it had continued. His gaze searched her face again, finding the hidden thoughts. Slowly a smile worked its way across his mouth, bringing warmth to her face. His attention left her for a moment while he reached over and closed the program down without saving. Then he stood and looked down at her, his expression unreadable.
When he reached down and took her hands, she stood. Standing only inches from him, she had the sudden desire to be in his arms. Whether that desire was conveyed by him or originated in her head was a mystery, but when he drew her into his arms, she was willing. His kiss was warm and confident. This time when he released her, the blood pounded in her neck.
The truth came to her suddenly. What lit that fire of passion wasn’t the romancing – or at least if it did, romance wore a different face for her. Katie would probably say it was the way he took control, but in actuality, it was the confidence he exuded. That confidence had always been conveyed in conversation in the past. Today they had conversed via a word processing program. It was the communication that mattered, not the words. Standing there gazing up at him, it was obvious that he knew it too. The connection had been there all along. It simply hadn’t been expressed – by either of them.
For a moment she stood before him, waiting for him to take her in his arms again, but he didn’t. After all that had happened, he was probably waiting for her to make the first move. She stepped forward, lifting her arms to encircle his neck. When his hands found her waist and drew her close, passion came without warning, completely consuming her body and soul. She molded her body to his, capturing his neck in her arms and forcing his lips to hers. This was no stranger. Clinging to his neck, her mouth found his in a long arousing kiss. Only one thing made him different than before in that moment, and talking would have been a waste of precious time.
Untangling her arms, he stepped into the hall and looked into the living room where Jonathan was watching a movie. A few steps down the hall the other way assured him Destiny was still asleep. Opening their bedroom door, he motioned her inside. There he lay to rest any doubt about the issue.