“Cares about you,” she said through gritted teeth.
She wanted to say something else, he could sense it. Even more alarming . . . he wanted to hear it.
Wanted to know if she loved him, even though he didn’t deserve it.
“Past tense, 4C,” he said, reaching out and pushing back a strand of hair that had stuck to her wet face. “I had cancer.”
“But it might . . . it’s back? That’s why you’re here?”
“They just want to check,” he said. “The symptoms I’m having . . . they’re similar to what I had before we found out. They’re just playing it safe.”
She nodded. “Okay. Fair enough. But you don’t have cancer.”
He smiled grimly. “Heather—”
“You don’t,” she said emphatically. “And if you do, then we’ll—”
And there it was.
He’d known it was coming eventually, but he’d been putting it off. Living on borrowed time.
But it couldn’t go on.
It was time.
“There is no we,” he said, making his voice go sharp. Firm.
Her lips parted. “What do you mean? I—”
He reached for her hand. He wasn’t sure if it was possible to couch rejection in kindness, but he had to try. He cared about her too much not to.
“You get it now, don’t you, 4C? Why I didn’t want a girlfriend?”
“Actually, no. Not at all,” she said.
“Because of this.” He gestured down at this hospital-blanket-covered legs. “Because of this.” He gestured at the machines around him. “This is my reality, Heather, but it doesn’t have to be yours. I won’t let it be yours.”
She squeezed his hand. “Josh, this could be nothing. It could be the flu—”
“Whether it’s cancer this time or later, it’ll always be there. The possibility, just looming over us, over any future we might have together. My particular kind of leukemia has a high chance of recurrence.”
She swallowed. “Okay. Okay. Wow. So it’s a shitty lot in life, but that doesn’t mean you have to get rid of me.”
“I’m doing it for you, 4C. You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. And you want to get married and have lots of babies. Don’t deny it.”
“Of course I won’t deny it,” she said with a sad smile. “I do want that.” She took an audible gulp of air and looked him straight in the eyes. “But I want that with you, Josh.”
She might as well have reached over and stabbed him right in the heart, maybe added in a sucker punch to the throat, because Josh suddenly felt faint. “Don’t. Heather, please, don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t love you? Too late, neighbor. It’s been too late for that for a long time now.”
“We said we wouldn’t—”
“Fall in love. I know. But I broke the rules, and now you have to decide what you’re going to do about it.”
He saw from the familiar cocky smile beginning to shine through her clouded face that she thought she knew what he was going to do with that information.
Heather Fowler loved him.
He lied. He didn’t want to hear it.
It nearly broke him.
She was here, holding his hand, even though she knew that their time together might be ripped away by fucking cancer, one of the cruelest of destiny’s hands.
“You love me, too,” she pressed on. “Or at least you’re close. And I have every intention of sealing the deal, so—”
“Heather. Stop.”
She broke off, pain flickering across her face before she tried to resume her former smile.
He couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t do this. Not to her.
Josh shook his head slowly. “This thing we’ve had . . . it’s been fun, and it’s like I said, you’re one of the best girls I’ve ever known, but—”
“No,” she said quickly. “No buts.”
This time it was he who squeezed her hand, wondering how to push her away and not break her heart. But as he looked at her face, a face he knew nearly as well as his own, he knew that she meant what she said. She loved him. There was no way to do this kindly, so he just had to do it.