His grip on the knife loosened. “You aren’t irritated with me? Annoyed at my weakness?”
I was startled. “Of course not!”
“You went away so abruptly. When you didn’t come to tell me yourself, I thought … I thought you had wearied of having me depend on you for everything.”
“No. That was not it at all. I thought I had a chance to rescue Bee. And I had to take it immediately. If only I had acted a day earlier …”
“Don’t. You’ll drive yourself mad.” He shook his head. “She can’t just be gone, Fitz. She can’t!”
She could, and we both knew it. I veered my thoughts away from that path. “What would make you feel safer?”
“You do. Being here.” With an almost convulsive gesture, he abruptly clacked the knife down on a table. “There.”
“I cannot be here all the time, but I will see that I am here often. What else?”
“Is Ash armed? Has he been taught to fight?”
“I don’t know. But those are things I can remedy. He is to be your serving man now, I understand. I can teach him to be your door soldier as well.”
“That would be … reassuring.”
“What else?”
“Fitz, I need to see. More than anything else, I need to be able to see! Can you use the Skill to restore my sight?”
“I can’t. Not now, I fear. Fool, I took elfbark. You know that. You were there when I first reported to Dutiful.”
“But the effects will pass, won’t they? As they did on Aslevjal?”
“I think so. I already told you that.” Not the time to tell him what such a healing might cost me. “You’ve improved remarkably since Ash gave you the dragon’s blood. Perhaps your vision will come back on its own. How is the pain?”
“Much less. I can still feel my body … changing. It’s healing but the repairs are changes as much as restoration. Ash has told me that my eyes look different. And my skin.”
“You look more Elderling,” I said honestly. “It’s not unattractive.”
His expression brightened with surprise. He lifted his hands to his face and touched the smoothed skin then. “Vanity,” he rebuked himself, and I think we were both surprised when we laughed.
“This is what I would like you to do,” I proposed. “I would like you to eat, and rest, and continue to get better. And when you feel you are ready, and only then, I assure you, I’d like to see you moving about Buckkeep Castle. Discovering pleasure in life again. Eating good food, listening to music. Going outside even.”
“No.” He spoke softly but forcefully.
I softened my tone. “When you are ready, I said. And with me at your side—”
“No,” he said more harshly. He pulled himself up straight. When he spoke, his voice was judgmental, almost cold. “No, Fitz. Do not coddle me. They took our child. And they destroyed her. And I cower and weep at the change of a room. I have no courage, but it does not matter. Being blind does not matter. I came here sightless, and if I must go sightless to kill them, then I must. Fitz. We must go to Clerres and we must kill them all.” He set his hands flat and calm on the table before him.
I clenched my teeth. “Yes,” I promised him in a low voice. I found I was as calm as he was. “Yes. I will kill them. For all of us.” I leaned closer and tapped the table as I walked my hand toward him. I took his thin hand in mine. He flinched but did not jerk away. “But I would not go to that task with a dull blade. It makes no sense to take to that task a man who is still recovering from grievous injuries. So hearken to me. We prepare. I have things to do, and so do you. Find your health and your courage will come back to you. Begin to move about Buckkeep Castle. Think who you will be. Lord Golden again?”
A faint smile hovered. “I wonder if his creditors are still as angry as they were when I fled.”
“I’ve no idea. Shall I find out?”
“No. No, I think I shall have to invent a new role for myself.” He paused. “Oh, Fitz. What of Chade? What has befallen him, and what will you do without him? I know you had counted on his help. In truth, I had counted on his help in this.”
“I hope he will recover, and that we will not have to do without him.” I tried to speak heartily and with optimism. The dismay on the Fool’s face only deepened.
“I wish I could go and visit him.”
I was surprised. “You can. You should. Perhaps tomorrow, we can go together.”