I squeeze my eyes closed to keep the tears from falling. I knew, deep down inside, that he never really wanted to shut down and pull away from me and I should be happy that he’s finally admitting it, but it just makes everything hurt worse. It makes me sad for the time we lost and it breaks my heart that he wouldn’t let me help him when he needed me the most.
“You were my whole life, Fisher. Everything I was, everything I did was wrapped up in loving you. We took vows – for better or for worse. Why did you think that I couldn’t handle the worse? Or that I wouldn’t want to?” I ask him softly. “I stuck by your side and I supported your decisions because there was nothing else for me to do. Loving you meant loving every part of you, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. I married a Marine and I knew from day one what that would entail. I didn’t go into it blindly thinking it would all be rainbows and roses. I knew we’d have our challenges, but I always thought we were strong enough to get through them. I thought you would trust me enough to talk to me when things got bad and believed in our love enough to know that it would get us through anything. I never would’ve left, Fisher. Ever. I would’ve stuck by you because that’s what I pledged to do for the rest of my life.”
I hear him sniff behind me, but I refuse to turn my head to look at him. If I see tears in his eyes, I will completely break down and I can’t do that right now. He needs to know that I’m stronger than I was a year ago. He needs to know I can handle anything and, although I know he’s sorry for what he did, he needs to know how much it hurt me.
“Even when you kicked me out of the house, I still wasn’t ready to give up. I was so angry with you for pushing me away when I knew you were hurting, but I refused to let go. The things you said to me, they were nothing compared to walking into Barney’s and seeing you with Melanie,” I tell him, trying to keep my voice from cracking. “I knew you were drunk and I knew something was seriously wrong with you, but I still believed, even after that crap you fed me about other women, that you wouldn’t go that far to push me away. You shattered my heart into a thousand little pieces that night. Seeing your hands on her and your mouth on hers… that’s the only reason I gave up. The only reason I walked away.”
The tears start to fall, no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes closed to stop them. Fisher moves his arm from around my waist and presses his palm to my cheek, turning my face around towards his.
He kisses away my tears, even though his own are falling just as quickly down his face and mingling with mine.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispers brokenly. “Nothing happened with Melanie, I swear to God, Lucy. I know you probably won’t believe me, but I was having a fucking hallucination and I swear I thought she was you. I knew she felt wrong and she smelled wrong, but I wanted it to be you so badly that I didn’t even care. I was beating myself up for pushing you away and I just wanted it to be you. I wanted you in my arms, telling me everything would be okay, and I kept drinking and falling deeper down that fucking black hole until nothing made sense and I just didn’t care.”
My heart stutters back to life at his words and I sob through my tears. The worst part about losing him was believing he’d found someone else to ease his pain. Someone more experienced than me, someone prettier than me and someone he wanted more than me. Someone who didn’t remind him of his pain and his past like I did.
Fisher wipes away more of my tears with his thumb and stares into my eyes. “I should have trusted you and I never should’ve left you. I’m so sorry for not seeing how strong you were. I’m sorry for being weak and letting the darkness take over when I should’ve known you were the light and you would always make everything better.”
I turn my body between his legs and hold his face in my hands. “You were NOT weak. Don’t you dare say that! You went through so much and you shouldered all of that on your own. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met, Fisher. I’m so proud of you for what you’ve done. I’m proud of you for getting help and I’m proud of you for finding your way back here.”
He lets out a shuddering breath and presses his forehead to mine. “I hated it. Every second I was away from you, I hated it. I was so fucked up in the head, Lucy. But I was so afraid of screwing up your life that I knew I had to stay away until I could think clearly, until I could stop imagining things that weren’t there and stop being so angry all of the time.”
Fisher runs his hand through my hair and kisses my lips gently.
“I can practically hear your brain working,” he smiles against my lips as he pulls back to look at me. “Talk to me. You can ask me anything. I’m not going to keep things from you anymore.”
I look down and nervously pick a few pieces of lint from the towel off of the skirt of my dress.
“That night at Barney’s, when you first got back to town, you told me you were just drinking sparkling water. Have you…are you…”
I trail off, suddenly feeling completely uncomfortable with this conversation, but I know it has to happen. His drinking was one of the catalysts that eventually broke us.
“I’ve been sober since the night Bobby dropped me off at the VA hospital,” he tells me softly. “It sucked and it’s been hell, but every day gets a little bit easier. It helps that I have a really good man to talk to if I ever feel tempted to drink. He kicked my ass the whole time I was at the hospital, but he’s a good guy. He served in Vietnam and he understands the struggles vets go through. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a beer again without being tempted to overindulge and for right now, I’m not going to test it. I’m taking it one day at a time like I’ve been taught and it’s working so far.”