I reach out and take one of Knox’s hands in mine and kiss the back of it. I’m a glutton for punishment but I have to ask, “Rhea and I were talking Saturday night when we were getting ready for the club. I noticed all the clothes that she and Tanner had here and she said they used to stay here all the time like you said, but she mentioned a girl.” Knox’s whole body goes rigid and he yanks his hand back. I immediately feel like an idiot and should have just taken what he gave me.
Knox rolls on his back and stares up at the ceiling with his eyes squeezed tightly together. Suddenly he’s out of bed and yanking on his lounge pants. He doesn’t glance my way, doesn’t mutter a word. He walks over to sliding window, opens it and steps out onto the balcony. I sit in his bed, pull the sheets up to cover my na**d body, and watch him pace. He runs both hands through his hair a few times and then takes a seat in one of the chairs.
I’m so stupid for opening my damn mouth but I need to know and obviously whoever she is meant a great deal to Knox. I throw myself back against the pillow and mentally beat myself up. Time passes and Knox still sits out on the balcony, legs stretched out in front of him, resting on the railing. Mother Nature calls so I climb out of bed, pick up Knox’s discarded shirt off the floor and slip it on. I button the top few buttons on the way to the bathroom. I take care of business, brush my teeth and run my fingers through my hair, trying to manage it. I wind up throwing it up in a bun of top of my head. I wash my face and then mentally prepare myself to go and face Knox.
He’s still sitting exactly where he has been for the last half hour. I step outside; the warm salty air washes over me. Knox still doesn’t look my way as I step closer to him and my stomach knots up. I’ve ruined anything we could have had.
There is a chair on the other side of Knox but he doesn’t move and let me pass so I lean my back up against the glass window, my hands hung down at my sides. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Just as I open my eyes, with my heart steeled, I see Knox make a move for my hand. His pinky grazes mine just like at the gardens. I don’t move, I wait for him to take the lead.
Before I even have time to realize what is happening Knox has me straddled over his legs. He’s holding me to him with such force it’s slightly uncomfortable. Knox needs this and I’m going to give it to him. He has his head nuzzled into my neck and I feel him lightly kiss me.
“I’m sorry I brought it up.” I whisper against his neck.
Knox cups the back of my head and tilts my head so that he has better access to my neck. He nips, sucks and kisses his way to my collar bone. His gruff voice pierces the silence, “I’m sorry too but I can’t let you inside that part of me just yet.” He bites down on my collar bone and it sends tingles all the way down to my core, making me forget about what we were talking about.
I decide right now if I want to try and have a relationship with Knox, I need to let this go. I know he’ll tell me in time. I make the decision that I’m okay with that. Knox is giving me an out if I want it but I don’t want it.
I want this with him.
I need this with him.
There is a hidden connection between us and I’m going to do everything in my power to uncover it. It’s strong, powerful and scares the shit out of me.
I feel that Knox is someone who is supposed to be in my life. He makes me vulnerable, makes me want things I never knew I wanted. He makes me see things clearly and lets me be me. I’m my own person.
I’m jumping the wall that’s around my heart for Knox, I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to tear it down.
I’m all in. I just hope he’s there to catch me.
Jasmine ripped a painful Band-Aid off me today. I haven’t spoken about my parents since that agonizing, god-awful day. I gave her a piece of me and now I have to trust that she will hold on to it and not toss it away like a piece of trash. Opening up was one of the hardest things I’ve done. I think I’m okay about it. Maybe this is a sign I’m dealing with the shitty hand that I was dealt.
Time will tell if I’ve made the right decision but for now my heart is telling me I did. My heart hasn’t spoken a word to me since her and something in the pit of my stomach is making me realize things I didn’t know before. I thought I was blinded by her but I now see that I wasn’t because there is a spot of light coming from Jasmine.
Maybe Rex was right all along.
15
Our bubble of being imprisoned in Knox’s room for the day quickly comes to an end when Jeremy comes looking for us. It starts with a text to Knox which Knox decided not to read when Jeremy’s name flashed a crossed the screen. Next a phone call which Knox ignores and I start giggling at Jeremy’s neediness of his best friend. Finally, Jeremy gets tired of being ignored so he comes banging on the bedroom door.
“I know you two are in there. Open the damn door.” Jeremy says with a slight irritation in his voice. “You guys spent all day together yesterday. You know there are other people in this house that would like to spend some time with you guys.”
Knox chuckles and lifts me off of his lap. “Be right back.” He kisses me on the forehead and leaves me out on the balcony.
“What the f**k man?” Jeremy says the second Knox opens the door.
I giggle, he’s really upset. I wouldn’t expect something like this from someone like Jeremy. He seems to be the independent type but this is a whole other side to him.
“Dude, relax. What’s going on?” Knox says in a nice calm and even voice.
“We are all going down to the beach for the day and then we are going to throw some food on the grill and wait for the fireworks to start.” Knox steps out on the balcony and quickly wraps his body around mine while I stand at the railing watching families walk down to the beach.
“Holy f**k,” Jeremy mutters under his breath.
My body shakes in silent laugher and Knox squeezes me a little tighter to his body. I still have on his dress shirt from the night before; the shirt ends right above my knees so I know everything is covered or Knox would have never brought Jeremy out here with us.
Knox warns Jeremy, “Eyes off ass**le.”
Jeremy throws his head back and laughs. “It’s nice to have you somewhat back to normal dude. We miss the old you.”
Knox relaxes and sighs heavily. I tilt my head towards his in comfort, letting him know I’m here for him and I feel for him.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get past that shit that happened man. I’m trying but it ain’t easy.”