She broke off, inhaling deeply as if to compose herself.
Then she lifted her gaze and stared directly into his, her eyes earnest and awash with vulnerability.
“Why would you even want to sleep with me?” she whispered. “Why would you want . . . this . . . ?” She swept her hand down her body and around, clearly indicating her position. Her submissiveness.
“I know that this . . . arrangement . . . or relationship, whatever it is that we’re doing, requires a lot of trust on my part. But it has to involve your trust as well. Besides the fact that I can’t imagine why you’d want to have sex with a woman you think so poorly of, why would I want to give myself to a man who found me so . . . repugnant?”
His fingers tightened at her shoulders and then he forced himself to relax his grip. He’d bruise her, and he never wanted to hurt her. He took his hands away, not trusting himself not to squeeze her even tighter.
She looked hurt at his withdrawal and he let out a groan. He could do nothing right where she was concerned. Every touch, every word out of his mouth. It all came out wrong. He was fucking it up and this was too important. It was everything.
For the first time in his life, he was scared. Because he knew if he didn’t handle this just right, he’d lose her. And that wasn’t an option. No matter what it took, no matter what he had to do, she had to be part of his life.
Dear God, he was precariously close to begging, and he’d never begged for anything.
He cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels, his throat clogged with everything he needed to say.
Then he rose, extending his hand down to her. She glanced at him in puzzlement but slipped her hand into his. Yet another sign of her trust. Trust he hadn’t been able to return or make her feel.
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her naked body into his hold, cradling her, positioning her on his lap so she’d be near him, touching him.
He rested his chin atop her slim shoulder and then turned his mouth down to kiss her skin. He inhaled deep, capturing her scent and savoring it.
“I’m sorry.”
She went still, her gaze directed at the far wall. He reached up, slid his finger underneath her chin and gently redirected her gaze to him.
“You’re right. I said and thought terrible things. It wasn’t fair to you. I was afraid, Bethany. Terrified,” he amended. “I reacted badly. This is new territory for me. I’ve never been so . . . I’ve never been so fucked up over a woman before. I’m used to control. You know this about me, or at least you’ve gotten hints. For the space of those few hours, I had none. I couldn’t protect you. I had no control over what happened to you. It freaked me the hell out. And I took that out on you.”
“I understand,” she said softly.
He shook his head. “No. You don’t. And you shouldn’t have to. You explained what happened, and while I don’t agree with what you did, I had no excuse for the things I accused you of. I have a temper, baby. You’ll get to know that as well. I’m not used to things being beyond my control. But what you need to understand is that I’ll never hurt you. Or at least I’ll try very hard not to. Physically, it isn’t ever going to happen. But I’ll say shit because I’m pissed. I was afraid and I don’t handle that well. I can’t guarantee it’s never going to happen again. But you need to know ahead of time that I’m not going to mean it. I know I’m asking a lot, but I need for you to be able to ignore me when I’m pissed and saying shit that hurts you. I’ll try like hell not to do it, but I know me. My friends know me. I’ve been a dick to the people I care most about. You. Gabe. Ash. My own sister. But I know it hurts you. You aren’t used to me. You can’t see what’s behind the anger and the things I say in the heat of the moment. But you will know me, Bethany. You’ll know me because I’m not going anywhere, and what’s between us is only going to grow stronger. I need you to believe that. I need you to want it as much as I want it because that’ll tell me that you’ll stick around and weather it with me.”
Her eyes rounded in shock. Her expression was one of utter amazement. She gripped one of his arms, her fingers digging deep, and he doubted she even realized it.
Her lips parted and he waited as she collected her thoughts. He could see her processing all he’d said. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he’d processed it yet. This spilling his guts was not something he indulged in on a regular basis. Or ever, for that matter. He’d never felt so goddamn vulnerable in his life and he didn’t like it one bit.
He felt as though someone had opened him up and he was bleeding out in front of her.
“So what do you want from me?” she whispered. “I mean, really want? What am I to you, Jace? A fling? A temporary submissive? A charity case? You have to understand that I’m scared too. I don’t know what you want from me. You’ve done so much for me but I’m afraid to embrace it because all I can think is that if you toss me out tomorrow, it’s going to be that much harder to go back to my life. I’d rather never have known you and been able to savor our relationship than to suddenly be stripped bare and return to the existence I’ve led until now.
“I’ve lived it most of my life. Even the parts of my life when I wasn’t on the streets weren’t happy years. They were years of survival, of hoping for the best and usually not getting it. I’m okay with that life. It’s all I’ve ever known. But you’ve shown me a different life.”
Her voice cracked and the pain hit Jace in the chest, nearly suffocating him. He wanted to pull her into his arms and stop the bloodletting but he knew she needed to say this. They both needed it so they could forge ahead.
Tears filled her eyes and she looked so afraid that it gutted him all over again.
“You’ve shown me how things could be,” she whispered. “And I want it, Jace. I shouldn’t want it. I shouldn’t even dare to dream that something so beautiful could happen to me. But I want it all the same. But if you’re going to take it from me, if this is only temporary, some amusement for you, then I don’t want it because it will kill me to go back to my life.”
Tears slipped silently down her cheeks. To his shock, he found his own eyes burned, as if someone had thrown sand in his face.
“And I know it sounds crazy for me to be asking you this. We’ve known each other for such a short time. And it’s not fair for me to demand this of you. But I have to know because I can’t go back to where I came from after dreaming of how different things could be. Of dreaming how it would be to be with a man like you. Someone so far out of my league that I can’t even wrap my brain around it. Don’t lie to me. I need to know if that’s all this is to you. Just something to pass the time with. A new challenge. Please give me that much respect at least and let me go if I’ll never mean anything to you.”
No longer able to listen to the aching pain in her voice, he crushed her to him, holding her so tightly he could feel her heart thudding against his chest.
“God, Bethany. Jesus, baby, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“With the truth,” she said against his neck.
He pulled her away, his hands sliding almost frantically up and down her arms. He wanted to give her so much. Comfort. Reassurance. The words swirled in a cloud in his mind, but he had to get this sorted. He owed her the words. The truth she’d asked for, even if it stripped him utterly bare before her.
He sucked in a breath and leveled his gaze at her, hoping like hell she could see the sincerity in his eyes.
“The truth is I’ve never felt this way about another woman. The truth is I’m fucking obsessed with you. The truth is I want you in any way I can have you. The truth is if you told me right now that you could never submit to me, never give me what I want so badly from you, that it wouldn’t matter. I’d take you any way I could have you. The truth is I’m not letting you go.”
Hope stirred in her eyes and it hurt him to see how quickly she made it go away. As if she was afraid to allow that emotion in.
“I’m never letting you go back to the life you’ve led up ’til now, Bethany. No matter what happens with us. And even if you ever decide I’m not what you want or need, I’m not letting you go back there. Even if you won’t be with me, you’ll always be taken care of and provided for. Do you understand that?”
She slowly nodded, her bottom lip pulled firmly between her teeth. Her grip was so tight on it that she’d break skin and bleed. He gently nudged her mouth open, freeing her lip.
“What do you want, Jace?” she asked again. “I need to know what you expect from me. I can’t live with the uncertainty of not knowing if I’m doing it right or wrong or if I’m screwing up.”
He sighed and ran his hands up her body and then back down again. She was cold. Chill bumps dotted her torso and her skin was cool to his touch. All thoughts of sex fled. His arousal had waned. Not because he didn’t want her. Not because he wasn’t desperate to possess her. But because some things were more important than sex and satisfaction. “Get dressed, baby,” he said in a gentle voice.
Her gaze was immediately fearful.
He kissed her forehead. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re cold and we need to talk.” He hesitated another moment. “Would you come back to my apartment with me? I’ll fix you some hot chocolate and we’ll sit by the fire and we can talk. I’d like you to spend the night with me there.”
To his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her naked body to his. She hugged him tightly.
“I’d like that,” she whispered.
Chapter twenty-two
Bethany snuggled into Jace’s couch and stared at the flames flickering in the fireplace. She’d taken her shoes off and curled her feet underneath her as she waited for Jace to return with the hot chocolate he’d promised.
A moment later, he approached the couch and handed her a steaming mug. He too was barefoot and she found the image of him in jeans, casual T-shirt and bare feet extremely sexy. But the man was just gorgeous. Head to toe.
His hair was delectably mussed, flipping up at his collar, and a dark lock fell over his forehead until her fingers itched to straighten it.
He settled onto the couch beside her and scooted in close so their bodies were touching. Then he simply wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she sipped the cocoa. In between the times she brought the cup to her lips, he pressed his mouth to her temple, kissing her skin and then sliding over her hair to retreat when she took the next sip.
It was a moment she’d long remember. The simplicity of them sitting in front of the fire, barefoot, comfortable. Relaxed. Just being. No place they had to be. No stress. Well, if she didn’t count the impending conversation. But she’d gotten enough from Jace at her apartment to know that it would be all right. She was at peace, even though she still had hard questions to ask. Somehow she knew it would be okay, though. For the first time she could ever remember, she looked forward with anticipation and not dread. There was no resignation of her circumstances. Things were good.
They had things to discuss. She very much wanted to know what his expectations were. But he’d been completely sincere about wanting her. She believed him. Maybe that made her a fool, but she didn’t doubt that he was committed to whatever this was between them.
And so was she.
She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed in contentment when he propped his chin on top of her head. She savored the last sips of the chocolate and when she would have leaned forward to go put the cup away, Jace wrested it from her grasp and set it on the coffee table.
For a moment they settled back into position, her in his arms, and quiet descended as she stared into the fireplace’s glow. Then she shifted so she could look at him, saw the look on his face and knew he realized it was time as well.
“Can I ask you some questions?” she said before her courage deserted her.
He reached for her hand, squeezing reassuringly, and then he nodded. “You can ask me anything, Bethany.”
“What was it like with the other women you had this kind of arrangement with?”
He blew out his breath in a long exhale, and his words were carefully said. “Bethany, you aren’t like the other women.”
She added her sigh to his. “Okay. I get that. I don’t think you think I’m like your other women. This isn’t about me comparing or me being jealous or anything. But I need to know what you expect. I get that you want me to be submissive and you like control. But that doesn’t tell me anything specific. I need to know how it’s going to be with . . . us, and me asking how it was with your other women is just me trying to figure out your expectations. I’m working blind here and that’s what makes me nervous. Not you. I don’t think you’ll hurt me or freak me out. I just need to know what I’m supposed to do.”