Tristan sat quietly as the city below exploded in celebration, people toasting a new year and another chance. I curled up next to him, but he didn't move. My heart broke to see him so sad.
"Happy new year."
He said nothing, as if he was thinking about what I'd said, and finally turned his head toward me. "I love you, Nina. Don't ever think I don't."
"I know you do. I can't stand to see you like this. I want to make you feel better like you did for me when I was laid up in that hospital bed, but you keep pushing me away. I'm afraid you're going to push me right out of your life."
Looking away toward the fireworks exploding in the distance, he shook his head. "I'd never willingly let you go."
"Tell me what I can do. Every day, I feel like I'm losing another piece of you."
"You know what my shrinks said after the crash? They kept saying I was supposed to emote. Emote. That's it. As if that was going to make it all go away. Emote. But I didn't have anything to let out."
"Tristan, you can talk to me. Don't forget that. I know what it's like to lose someone. It may have happened four years ago, but it's like I just lost my father."
A look of pain settled into his features, and that hurt I knew he was feeling was right under the surface. If only he could let it out.
By the end of that week, I felt like everyone I knew was in misery. Jordan and Justin broke up on New Year's Day, and even though she claimed she'd seen it coming, I still knew by the sound of her voice that she was hurting. Tristan seemed to spend all his time at work after Rogers' funeral, texting me each afternoon to beg off having dinner together with vague excuses I knew were lies to hide the fact that he was unraveling. Even when he was in bed next to me at night, he was a million miles away.
Each day the distance between us grew, and I didn't know how to stop it.
Then on top of everything, Cal emailed with more of his sad tale. As I read it, something inside me snapped. How dare he play on people's feelings with his phony story about a cheating girlfriend and his dead mother when good people were dealing with real problems. I played the innocent friend, emailing him that I'd be happy to meet him for lunch that afternoon.
He spun the same web of lies he'd done before, but this time, I called him out. I don't think I ever felt better. I couldn't wait to tell Tristan that night, hoping that maybe my triumph in unveiling Cal's fraud right to his face would take his mind off his problems, even if for just a few minutes.
When he finally got home at eight o'clock, I heard him pass by my hallway on the way to his room. I quickly put away my laptop and headed over to his room to share my news. Pushing the door open, I found him standing at his desk with a manila envelope in his hand.
"Hey, you, I have a story to tell you," I said as I peeked my head in.
He turned around with an odd look in his eyes that frightened me. Standing there staring at me, he said, "Did you have a nice day, Nina?"
Even though everything in his body language and voice made me uneasy, I stepped into the room and sat down on the bed. "I did. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Let me help you." He slid something out of the envelope in his hand and held it out toward me. "Is this what you wanted to tell me about?"
I strained to see what he held in his hand. When I didn't answer his question, he walked toward me and threw it on the bed next to me. I looked down and saw a stack of pictures of Cal and me at lunch just a few hours before.
"What are these? Do you have someone spying on me?"
Tristan's eyes flashed with anger. "I told you what he was doing and you still snuck around behind my back to see him. What am I supposed to think, Nina?"
"I'm trying to understand what you're going through Tristan, but I can't believe you'd have someone follow me and take pictures of me."
"And I can't believe you would sneak around and betrayed me with your ex, who is only trying to play you."
His words came out in a hiss. I'd never seen Tristan like this with me. The way he looked reminded me of what he'd been like that night with Rogers.
"So I leave the house once to go to meet Cal and let him know I'm onto his whole scam, and I'm not to be trusted, but you stay away from here day after day and I'm supposed to be fine with that? I'm not the one who's acting like they're doing something sneaky."
Tristan stared down at me with a confused look. "I'm not the one who needed to visit my ex to find out if I could love you."
His words cut like knives across my skin. I'd told him about my insecurities believing he'd understand, and now he was using them against me to indict me on some crime I'd never committed. I threw the pictures at him without saying a word and stormed toward the door before I burst into tears. I didn't want him to think I was sad. I was furious!
He grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him. "Where are you going?"
"I'm not going to stand here taking this!"
"Don't walk away, Nina."
I yanked my arm from his hold. "Why? No matter what I do, you stay away all day and half the night. You're probably cheating on me with whoever you spend all your time with. I bet that's why you're so convinced I'm doing something. Guilty conscience."
"You're being ridiculous. I'm not seeing anyone," he said coldly.
"Nice. Maybe you should practice that a little more in front of the mirror. A little more emotion and I might believe you."
That anger I'd seen just a minute before flashed in his eyes again at the mention of emotion. I hadn't meant to use what he'd told me on New Year's Eve. It just came out. I wanted to reach out and take his hand to show him we could work this out, but something held me back.
"You don't want that, Nina. You don't want me to show that emotion."
"Yes, I do! Finally, show me how you feel instead of pulling away. Let me hear that you still really care instead of making me guess and hope that you do," I cried.
He loosened his tie and walked past me to sit on the bed, avoiding looking at me. Even with me nearly begging him, he couldn't do it. Suddenly, I wanted a fight. After weeks of anger and sadness, there was so much pressure between us I needed to release it.
"So you're going to ignore me? I'm not even worth a few nice words? Everyone in your world wants me out of it. Do you?"
He still said nothing, preferring to close his eyes to block me out. I felt like I was nothing to him.
"You can't even say you want me in your life!" Now my tears couldn't be stopped, and I let them come. I stood there waiting for him to say anything, for him to even look at me as I pleaded for any sign that he still loved me, as everything became blurry from the mixture of tears and makeup clouding my eyes. My mouth was dry at the real fear that he'd never say anything to make me feel like he cared.
Tristan hung his head. "Nina, this isn't going work. I'll have my lawyers draw up a new document saying you're no longer obligated by our contract. I promise you'll never want for anything. I'll make sure that's in there too. I'll make sure you're safe."
His words stunned me. He was breaking up with me over my having lunch of with another man? What was going on?
"Why are you doing this? I don't want anyone else. I just went to lunch with him to tell him I knew what he was doing. I felt so good about it that I couldn't wait to tell you. Now you're sending me away? Don't do this, Tristan. I love you."
"This is best. Just let it happen."
I walked over to where he sat and fell to my knees. I had to see his eyes when he said he didn't want me or us anymore. Looking up, I waited for him to open his eyes so I could see what he was really feeling. No matter what his words said, I knew the truth would be in his eyes.
"At least look at me when you tell me you don't love me. I deserve at least that, Tristan."
He sat silently, his eyes still shut. I laid my head against his thigh and quietly said, "Please tell me what's going on. Maybe I can help. I can't believe you don't love me. I won't believe it. Not unless I see your eyes when you say those words."
I felt his hand gently cradle the top of my head and looked up to see those beautiful brown eyes so full of pain looking down at me. My heart skipped a beat as I waited for him to speak, and I prayed to God that I wouldn't hear him say he didn't love me anymore.
"I'm sorry, Nina. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I make such a mess out of everything. I didn't mean to."
I pulled myself up to my knees and took his face in my hands. "You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay. I get that you're jealous. I felt that way when I saw all those pictures of you and those women at those parties. It's just that I'd never want Cal instead of you. You need to believe that."
"Just the thought of you with him makes me crazy. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up, Nina. I never meant for things to end up this way. I thought I could handle things."
The sadness and pain in his eyes broke my heart. "Things are fine between us. It's everyone else outside of us that aren't okay. We're fine. I love you and you love me. What else is there? I don't know what you mean about handling things, but you can't stop how people feel about things. I don't know why Rogers didn't like me or why that man you work with thinks you shouldn't be with me, but we don't have to listen to them."
"Nina, you should do what I said. Leave here and I promise you'll want for nothing. You'll be taken care of for the rest of your life."