“Always do,” he replied.
She smiled, gave us one last look, and her eyes seemed to be laughing at us like she knew something we didn’t.
When she was gone I looked up at Marco and said, “I really do like her.”
“She’s good people.”
Still smiling, I looked down at Dylan, who was watching my interaction with his dad like a hawk. “I heard three-year-olds love the zoo. Do you fancy a day at the zoo, Dylan?”
“I’m nearly four,” he answered, holding up four fingers.
Must. Not. Cuddle.
Pushing past the overwhelming adorableness, I replied seriously, “Well, I’ve heard nearly-four-year-olds love the zoo, too.”
His brows drew together. “Will there be lions?”
“They have two lions, I think, and big cats.”
Dylan’s face closed down at that and he moved into his dad’s legs.
“They’re in an enclosure. A big cage. They can’t get at you.”
He still looked unconvinced.
“Your dad will be there with us. Do you think he’s going to let a lion get near you?”
It was the right thing to say. He looked up at his dad, contemplated how big he was compared to himself and slowly shook his head.
Marco grinned and smoothed a hand over his son’s hair affectionately. “You ready to go, then, buddy?”
He nodded and reached for his dad’s hand.
As we were walking out the door, Marco’s other hand in mine, I asked, “You won’t let the lions near me either, right?”
“It is tempting.”
“That was definitely the wrong answer.” I sighed in mock weariness. “No more searching for superhero boyfriends on the Internet. They always turn out to be duds who’ll quite happily let you get eaten by a lion.”
Marco hissed in a breath through his teeth. “You do roll the dice when you find a boyfriend on the Internet.”
“What about penguins? Surely you won’t let the penguins get me?”
“I don’t know – that might be fun to watch.”
I stopped on the stairwell and Marco and Dylan drew to a halt on the steps below me. “No penguin protection? What kind of superhero are you?”
“You’re weird,” Dylan said quietly to me.
Marco burst out laughing. “Buddy, you don’t know the half of it.”
Since Dylan grinned in response, I took the “weird” comment on the chin and went with it.
Dylan and I stared at each other across the table.
Marco had left me with him while he went up to order us some food from the zoo café. Everything had been fine while we wandered around the zoo with Marco present as a buffer. When Dylan had gotten close to the lion enclosure and one of the lions let out what I think was really just a yawn rather than a growl, I had easily reassured Dylan so he didn’t go skittering off in fear.
But alone? Even if it was only for a few minutes? I felt so much pressure for him to like me that my mind was suddenly blank. I couldn’t think of any topics of conversation that were appropriate for a child.
“You were scared of the snakes,” Dylan suddenly said, tilting his head to the side inquisitively.
He was not wrong.
I shuddered. I’d hurried away from the snakes as quickly as possible. “I don’t like snakes.”
“Why?”
That was actually a really difficult question to answer for a small child. “They scare me.”
He frowned. “Why?”
“Uh… because so many of them can bite you, and the bite can make you really, really sick.”
“All of them?”
“Well, no…”
“But you’re scared of all of them?”
“Yes.” I could see where this was going and I didn’t like it.
“Why?”
Yup, that’s where I thought it was going.
There really was no good explanation other than irrational fear, and I didn’t think an almost-four-year-old would understand irrationality as an answer. I didn’t want the kid to think I disliked things because they were different, because even at his age that kind of thinking might stick with him. In the end, I replied, “The hissing sound they make.”
Dylan stared at me a second and then nodded slowly. I gave an inner sigh of relief before quickly changing the subject.
“What was your favorite animal?”
“Giant panda,” he answered immediately.
I grinned and turned the tables on him. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Cool eyes. I wasn’t scared. It smiled.”
The panda hadn’t actually smiled, of course, but when she contemplated us I could have sworn there was something mischievous in her eyes. The fact that Dylan had picked up on that made me feel absurdly proud of him. “All good reasons.”
“D’ye live with my daddy now?”
And we were back in dangerous territory. I shook my head. “No. We just hang out a lot.”
“You’ll be there when I come to stay?”
“Sometimes. Is that okay with you?”
Dylan shrugged again. “Daddy laughs a lot, so okay.”
I felt elated by Dylan’s analysis of the situation and the blessing he had given me in his cute little-boy way.
Must. Not. Cuddle.
When Marco came back to the table with the food, I was grinning from ear to ear. He smiled in bewilderment at my expression as he sat down and made sure Dylan had his food and juice. “What’s going on with you?”
I shrugged. “I just love giant pandas.”
Marco’s brows drew together and he looked at Dylan as if he would explain. His son gave him a look as if to say, What? It makes sense to me, and I burst out laughing.
The last few months had been an utter roller coaster of emotions for me, and after having to go through the ugly past again, and then losing Jarrod, I hadn’t known if or when I’d ever be able to laugh that hard again.
But laugh hard I did.
Marco was smiling, but he leaned his head down to Dylan and said, “You were right. Weird.”
Dylan gave a world-weary sigh that was far beyond his years.
I didn’t care if they teased me for the rest of my life. In that moment, all I cared about was that they’d be there for the rest of my life.
CHAPTER 29
June
T he late June sun streamed in through my classroom windows, the light spilling over the kids’ empty desks. My last class of the year had already left, but I found myself immobilized. I couldn’t take my eyes off Jarrod’s desk. It had remained empty for the rest of the year whenever his class came into my room.
I didn’t want to forget.
It had been hard the past few months to find myself as a teacher again. Part of me had wanted to fall back on old habits and create a distance between myself and the kids. There was always supposed to be some distance anyway, but it was hard not to care about them, and in the end I decided if I stopped caring about them, I’d stop being a good teacher.
It hadn’t started out as the best year, but the past few months had begun to make up for that. One way in which they had was the permanent job offer I received from the department here at Braemuir. I’d be returning as a fully qualified English teacher after the summer. It was one less thing to worry about.
I had thought I would feel relief that the year was over and that I had the summer to enjoy before it started all over again.
But standing there in my classroom that last day, I couldn’t stop staring at Jarrod’s desk.
Sometimes it still made my breath catch when I remembered that I wouldn’t see him next year, that he wouldn’t get to grow up and become the amazing man I knew he could have been.
I hadn’t realized how hard the last day of school was going to be with that hanging over me.
“Knock, knock.”
My gaze jerked away from the desk and my eyes widened in surprised pleasure, my mood instantly lifting at the sight of Marco and Dylan walking into my classroom.
“What are you two doing here?” I asked, grinning happily as Dylan’s steps quickened. He reached me and instantly slid his arms around my legs. I hugged him close as Marco bent down to give me a quick, sweet kiss on the lips.
“I thought maybe you’d want some company. Not an easy day for you, babe.”
I shook my head in wonder. How had he known when even I hadn’t known? “I love you,” I murmured.
“I love you, too.”
I looked down at Dylan to see him watching us. I scrunched my nose up at him. “Guess what?”
“What?” he returned, genuinely curious.
“I love you, too.”
He smiled shyly and ducked his head.
So cute, I could die.
“Dylan, what do you say?” Marco chucked his chin.
Dylan shrugged. “Hannah knows I lu huh.” His words became a mumble, but I got the gist.
I gave Marco a look. “He’s four and he’s uncomfortable saying ‘I love you.’ I already pity his future girlfriends.”
Marco laughed. “He’s a man. He has a hard time showing his feelings.”
“You’re a man and you don’t have a hard time showing your feelings.”
“In public I do.”
“You just said you loved me in front of Dylan.”
“It’s just Dylan.”
“So you’re telling me that when we get married you’re not going to say you love me in your wedding vows?”
“You don’t say ‘I love you’ in wedding vows.”
“You do if you write your own.” I was completely messing with him and it was worth it to see the flicker of panic in his eyes.
“Write my own… vows?” His grip on Dylan’s shoulders tightened.
“Mmm-hmm.”
“You want me to write my own vows?”
I turned my mouth down at the corners as I shrugged. “Well, I might let you off with it, if you actually get around to proposing sometime.”
The light dawned in his eyes. “You manipulative —”
I grabbed my purse off my chair, ready to leave. “Finish that sentence and I won’t say yes.”
“I never asked,” he argued, ushering Dylan out behind me.
“But you’re going to.” I glanced back at Dylan. “Your daddy is a slowcoach.”
Marco looked at his son for help, but Dylan just looked at him with this “Really, dude” expression that made me love him even more.
“Are you sure he’s not my child?” I joked.
“Sometimes I wonder,” Marco muttered.
From school we got a cab back to my place so I could change for the evening’s event. It was Lily’s fifth birthday, and Gio and Gabby had generously offered the restaurant as a place to host it, closing off the back room for our private party.
Outside the restaurant we bumped into Cole and his new girlfriend, Larissa. She was a quiet, pretty auburn-haired psychology student who was clearly one hundred times more madly in love with Cole than he was with her.
“D-Man,” Cole greeted Dylan first. The two of them bumped fists, the brightness in Dylan’s eyes the only indication that he was thrilled to see Cole. While it had taken a few months for Marco to come around to Cole, his son had latched on to my best friend within a matter of hours after meeting him. They shared an overall seriousness that put them beyond their years and had a seemingly innate understanding of each other.
“What d’ye get?” Dylan gestured to the wrapped gift in Cole’s hand.
“Girlie stuff. You?” He indicated the present Dylan was carrying for us.
He scrunched up his nose. “Girlie stuff.”
Cole patted him on the back of the head and pulled open the door to the restaurant. “I hear you.”
“Hi, Larissa,” I greeted her with a coaxing smile.
In return I received a pinched smile. I couldn’t quite work out if it was because she was shy or because she, like most of Cole’s girlfriends so far, resented my presence in his life. I was sure it was the latter.
Marco and I held back as the three of them walked inside.
“She hates me,” I grumbled.
“You’re hot and Cole loves you. Of course she hates you.” Marco tugged on my hand, pulling me inside.
“Well, thanks for that very comforting and concise summary of the situation.”
He gave me a wry half smile as we walked through the front dining room and into the hall to reach the back. “She’ll get over it. That better?”
“No, because now you’re lying.”
He looked up at the ceiling as if talking to God. “I can’t win.”
“He’s not listening.”
He cut me a dry look. “Obviously.”
“Oh, shut it. You love me and you know it.”
“You kill me with your sweetness, babe.”
“Ah, there you are!” Liv came hurrying forward as we entered the back dining room. Pink and purple decorations had literally exploded all over the room. There were balloons, ribbons, flower chains, and sparkly confetti everywhere. Liv gave me a quick hug and grinned up at Marco in greeting. “Your aunt and uncle are amazing to do this. I think I’ve thanked them so much they’re ready to kill me.”
“It’s no problem.” Marco shrugged. “You’re family.”
Her eyes bugged out at me and she whispered comically, “I’m family.”
I patted her shoulder. “They’re not the Mafia, Liv. Calm down.”
“Nanna!”
My nephew William came flying at me, dangerously unsteady with momentum. I grabbed him before he made hard impact with my legs. As soon as I lifted him into my arms, Beth, Lily, and Luke were at my side. I greeted them all before bending down to kiss Lily’s silky dark hair. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”