God, I just want to be with her…but I can’t. Not yet. I need to make sure I do this right.
Just then, someone started knocking on my truck window. I turned to see Gunner holding up a little guy, who I assumed was Matthew, Ari’s little brother. After Jeff and Gunner had told me all about Matt, I was dying to meet him, so we were going to take him fishing today. Jeff had said that Matt and I were pretty close, and I used to come over all the time to play video games or just hang out with Matt.
I took a deep breath as I tried to remember everything Jeff had told me. I opened the door and got out as Gunner placed Matt on the ground.
“Josh! I’m going to hug you!” Matt yelled as he grabbed me by the legs and hugged me. “I’ve missed you, Josh, you assmole!”
Did he just call me an assmole?
I glanced back up at Gunner and Jeff as I started laughing. They were both shaking their heads and mouthing, No.
No?
“Holy shit! Did he just try to call me an asshole?” I laughed harder. I bent down and got face-to-face with Matt.
“Dude!” Gunner said.
When I glanced back at him, he mouthed, Don’t laugh when he swears.
Oh shit, that’s right! Jeff warned me about that. “Oh, right! Sorry, but that was some funny shit. Oh shit! Ah, motherfucker!” I stood up and covered my mouth.
“I wanna be a mudderfuckin’ cowboy, Josh! Just like you and Gunner and Jeff!” Matt started running around. “Oh shit! Ah, mudderfucker!”
“Nice, dude. Ari’s going to be so pissed off at you,” Jeff said.
Gunner let out a laugh and shook my hand. “How are the ribs feeling?”
I smiled as I thought about Heather asking me the same thing while I’d watched her make pancakes this morning. She’d been wearing a pair of my boxer shorts—at least I hoped like hell they were mine—and one of my old UT football shirts.
“Almost feel normal again. Doesn’t hurt either that I have the most beautiful girl in the world living with me at my parents’ house!” I said as I watched Matt running around. “Shit…sorry, I forgot about the whole swearing thing. Funny as hell little guy though. I see why we got along so well.”
Jeff walked up and gently hit me on the back. “You remember anything at all from spending more time with Heather?”
I shook my head. I was starting to get frustrated. “No, nothing. I feel something for her though. I feel like I just need her so much, and it scares the fuck out of me. I just want to be around her all the damn time. I wake up, thinking about her, and go to sleep, thinking about her. What the fuck is that?”
Gunner threw his head back and laughed. “That, my friend, is called love!”
Love? I knew that I loved her before the accident. Do I love her now? Is that what this is?
Jeff started laughing, too, as he shook his head. “Don’t push it, Josh. It’ll come back, dude, and you’ll remember exactly how head over heels in love you were with Heather.”
I sure hoped they were both right. I could see the pain in her eyes every day. She would try to hide it, but I knew she wanted so much more from me. I also knew the only reason she took a leave from her job was to keep Tori away as much as possible. I shook my head and let out a small laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Gunner asked as he walked over to his truck and started taking out his fishing gear.
“It just blows my mind she would leave her job to stay with me. I mean, I’m fine now. My mother is treating me like I can’t do a damn thing. Do you think she asked Heather to stay with me? Or do you think it was Heather’s idea?” I asked as I helped Gunner put the poles in the back of my new truck.
Gunner stopped, looked at me, and smiled. He took a deep breath and chuckled. “Well, according to Ellie, Heather did it to keep Victoria at bay.”
No fucking way. I was right.
“Well, fuck me, I knew it,” I said, laughing.
Gunner put his hand on my shoulder. “Josh, you and Heather went through hell and high water before you finally got together. That girl loves you with every ounce of her being. She’s not going to give up on you. She’s going to fight for the both of y’all. I’m gonna be honest. Your whole let’s-be-friends-first thing has her world turned upside down. Just don’t string her along, Josh, and please don’t hurt her. She’s been through enough as it is.” Gunner looked away.
“Some girl named Lynda called me the other day. I asked my mother about her, and she pretty much gave me the lowdown of what she knew. She basically told me to keep the fuck away from this chick. She mentioned Lynda was your cousin.”
Gunner headed back over toward his truck. He called over his shoulder, “Your mom gave you good advice, dude. If Lynda calls again, don’t ever answer the phone.” He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face me. “And don’t fucking tell Heather you talked to Lynda. Shit, poor girl already has one to tend with. She doesn’t need to worry about two.”
After getting everything loaded in my truck, we all got in and headed out. Matt was a hoot. That kid had me in stitches, and I could feel my side every time I laughed. I loved that he knew all the words to Blake Shelton’s “Boy’s ’Round Here.” We had to play it over and over for him. I loved him already.
Shit! There was that love word again. Fuck. I must have really changed.
I could hear Jeff and Matthew laughing in the backseat as we got closer to the lake. I smiled, thinking about Jeff and Gunner being fathers and how good they both were with Matt. Just then, I had the strangest feeling come over me.
I want to have kids with Heather.
“Holy fucking shit! What the hell?” I said without thinking.
“What the hell!” Matthew called out from the backseat.
“Josh!” Jeff and Gunner said at the same time.
I needed air. When I saw a store, I pulled in. I jumped out of the truck and started taking deep breaths.
Gunner came running over. “Jesus, Josh. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Are you hurting anywhere? Can you not breathe, dude?”
“Matt, stay in the truck buddy, Jeff said.
“Jesus H. Christ, Josh, stop swearing in front of Matt. Ari’s gonna chew my ass out!” He ran his hand through his hair, obviously frustrated.
“Really, motherfucker? I’m having a moment of sheer panic right now, and that’s what you’re worried about?” I asked.
Jeff shrugged his shoulder. “Hey, I can’t help it if you don’t remember how Ari is about this kind of shit,” he said with a shit-eating grin.
Gunner punched Jeff in the arm and turned back toward me. “Josh, what’s wrong?”
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I looked back and forth between Jeff and Gunner. “I, um…I just, um…I just had a thought, and, um…”
“Good god, son, spit that shit out. I want to get in some fishing at some point today,” Jeff said as he leaned up against the truck.
“It’s just…I heard you laughing with Matt, and then I thought about the two of y’all being dads, and how much I love that kid in the backseat, and I don’t even know him, and then I thought…I thought…”
Gunner was smiling from ear to ear.
“Why the fuck are you smiling at me like that?” I asked.
“You thought what, Josh?” Gunner asked.
I took a deep breath. “I thought it would be nice to have kids with Heather.” Bending over, I put my hands on my knees, taking more deep breaths. Oh. My. God. I said it out loud!
Jeff pushed off the truck and smiled as Gunner did a fucking fist pump in the air.
“Yes!” Gunner came over and put his arm around my neck, pulling me closer to him.
“You, my friend, are on your way back. Come on, let’s go catch some fish.” He turned and walked back to the truck, giving Jeff a high five on the way.
What in the hell just happened?
I looked down at Matt. He seemed like he was in pure heaven. Jeff had said the feel of the boat on the water made Matt feel calm. It had been a great afternoon so far. We talked about everything from fishing to the girls to trucks to my stupid-ass birthday party tomorrow.
“Why do you like girls?” Matt busted out.
We all just looked at each other.
“Jeff?” Gunner and I both said at the same time.
Jeff snapped his head over to both of us as his mouth fell open. “Why the fuck do I have to be the one to handle this one?”
Gunner let out a laugh. “Dude, you’re his big brother.” He winked at Matt.
I glanced down at Matthew, and it almost seemed like the little guy knew exactly what he was doing.
“What the fuck? Josh, you handle this one. Matt, you want your best buddy Josh to answer that one, don’t you?” Jeff said.
Matthew shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. “What the fuck, Josh? Why do you like girls?”
I tried. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t hold it in. I started laughing. I laughed my ass off. Then, Gunner started laughing, and before I knew it, the three of us were laughing so hard we each had tears rolling down our faces.
It didn’t help that Matt was now saying, “Holy shit,” and “Ah, mudderfucker,” over and over again.
Just then, Matt’s line started moving.
“Shit!” I yelled out.
Of course, Matt followed suit and yelled out, “Shit,” as well.
Jeff told Matthew to start reeling it in. Then, the bastard tried talking Matt into letting him bring in the fish.
“What the fuck, Jeff? Why are you trying to take this away from my little buddy?” I said as I pushed Jeff away from Matt.
“I am not, you asshole. He needs help,” Jeff said, pushing me back.
“Josh, you’re an assmole like Jeff!” Matt said with a huge smile.
“He’s the bigger assmole, Matt,” I said with a laugh, pushing Jeff harder.
He stumbled backward, and the next thing I knew, we were both in the water.
“You motherfucker. You just cost me a fish, you asswipe!” Jeff yelled as he kept trying to dunk me under the water.
“Oh shit! My ribs! I can’t move!” I yelled out.
Gunner jumped into the water, and it was all I could do to not start laughing. He swam over and pulled Jeff off of me.
“You fuckin’ idiot! Are you trying to kill him?” Gunner yelled at Jeff.
Jeff gave me the finger when Gunner pushed him away from me.
I looked around Gunner and smiled at Jeff.
“He’s faking! Gunner, that motherfucker is faking! His ribs don’t hurt. Lying asswipe!” Jeff yelled out.
I glanced back up toward the boat and saw Matt.
“Oh no! Oh no, little buddy, don’t do that!”
Jeff and Gunner turned.
Jeff called out, “No, Matt! Don’t jump!”
Too late.
For some reason, a feeling came over me, and I shuddered, thinking about how pissed Ari would be about this.
Chapter Fifteen
When Ellie called and said they were at Ari’s parents’ house, I rushed over. I couldn’t wait to see them. When I pulled up and got out of my car, they both came out of the house, each carrying a baby in their arms. I smiled as I looked at them, and then the strangest feeling came over me.