He stares. His face is fraught with emotion. He walks over to Janie, kneels in front of her. His hands quiver as he touches her face.
She watches him solemnly. Gives him a chance.
“Janie,” he finally says. “Is this the way it’s going to be with you?” Her eyes flash angrily as she squints at her watch. “What? Stop changing the subject. You have one minute to say it’s not because they touched me. Is it? Is that really it, Cabe? They touched me, and now I’m violated, and you can’t stand to think of being with me again?”
“Oh god. You’re serious?”
Janie’s voice pitches higher. “Thirty seconds.”
“Would you even believe me if I said it?” He’s breathing hard. Stands abruptly and turns his back to her. His fingers rake through his hair.
“Fifteen seconds.” Janie’s voice is even, now. She stands up to leave.
He whirls around and grabs her arm. Pulls her to him. Kisses her hard, tangling his fingers in her hair. His tongue darts into her mouth and finds hers, tasting her, an oasis in the desert, his body urgently pressing against hers as his hands caress her neck.
Janie stands frozen for a moment, and then she moans and reaches for him. Cabel slips her coat off her shoulders, and it falls to the floor, and he lifts her up, holds her until she wraps her legs around his waist. His lips move to her neck and strain at the buttons of her shirt.
“Time’s up,” she says, gasping.
He lifts his lips from her skin. Runs his hand over her body. A button falls to the floor, bounces, and rolls under the chair. He walks, with her still attached, to the couch and sits with her on his lap. “Janie. Oh god, I can’t do it,” he whispers, and holds her tightly. Squeezes her. Just like she loves. “Janie,” he says again. “I’m so messed up. Such an idiot. I’m sorry. No. I mean, the answer is no, it’s not because they touched you.
I just didn’t know if I could handle this. You’re too…I don’t know.
You’re dangerous! I couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle loving you.”
“What the heck does that mean? You didn’t seem to have a problem being in love before. What happened?”
He gives her a miserable look. “What if I love you, give you everything I have inside me, open my heart up, and something horrible happens? What if you did get raped? It would change you so much, Janie. Change you forever. What if you get sucked into a dream while you’re driving again? Have you thought through the consequences? To you? To others? To me, for god’s sake. Janie, my father—He lit me.
On. Fire. In that instant everything changed. I became a different person. Crap like that changes you. It scarred me, fucked up my life,” he says. “In a bunch of ways.” Cabel fingers the scars through his shirt as he talks. “I haven’t let anybody inside since then, except for you. It’s hard, Janie. It feels impossible. And then you go off being all reckless and shit….” He takes a breath. “I needed safe, but I fell in love with you. Now I’m having a really shitty time dealing with the thought that something could happen to you. That you could change too. And I’d lose you.”
Janie, jaw dropped, blinks. “You have a really funny way of showing it.”
“I know. I…I’m fucked up. I thought it would be easier this way, you know? To take a break. It’s just…It isn’t…” He struggles for words.
“This is intense, Janie. It scares the hell out of me. I wanted you to be my safe thing. No serious risks; just some simple dream stuff for Captain. Nothing like what you went through with Durbin! I mean, who the hell thought that would be your next assignment? God, wonder what comes next…”
“So you broke up with me because you couldn’t handle it if I changed or got hurt or left you. Is that what you’re saying? Doesn’t everyone have to take that risk? Do you still love me or don’t you?” Janie’s lip quivers. She thinks about all the changes that will be happening to her in the next years, and feels Cabel slipping away again.
“I’m saying I love you and I’m still learning…. I want to learn how to deal with that. All I know is that I thought this break would help, but all it’s doing is making me batshit crazy.” Cabel pauses. Smiles weakly. “So, um, can you please just not do anything dangerous? Isn’t life bad enough when you can’t control what the nightmares do to you?
Do you really have to take even more risks?” Janie smiles ruefully. She wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. Thinking. “What if I do get hurt? Or if something…happens to me. Will you stop loving me?” she asks quietly.
“How could I?” Cabel strokes her hair. “But I have to learn how to handle the feelings that come with that. I’m just not used to caring about something, about someone, so much that it hurts. Not like this.” Janie is quiet, thoughtful. “Did you know that you were the first person I ever remember saying ‘I love you’ to? I don’t even remember saying it to my mother. Which is really sad.”
“I didn’t know,” he says. He lets his head fall back on the couch and takes a deep breath. Lets it out. “Do you still love me, Janie?” Janie stares at him, incredulous. “Yes, of course! I don’t say it lightly.”
“Say it lightly in my ear,” he demands.
She smiles, rests her soft cheek on his scratchy one, and whispers it. “I love you, Cabe.”