They work out, shower, and then lounge side by side in the giant beanbag chair and talk about the day. But Janie’s having trouble keeping her mind on topic. She grows quiet, thinking about the green notebook and the assignment from Captain.
Cabel notices.
“Where are you?” he says after a while.
Janie startles. Smiles at Cabel. “I’m sorry, sweets—I’m here.” But she’s not really there. She’s going over the Durbin/Stubin dream in her head, now more convinced it was a nightmare and not really a visit from Miss Stubin.
Cabel sits up quietly. Watches her face. Clears his throat.
Janie sees him suddenly, the one guy she wants to be with—and is with for the whole weekend—hovering over her. She shakes the thoughts of creepy nightmare Durbin from her brain and tilts her head to the side, grinning. “Oops. I did it again.” Cabel gives her a quizzical look. “I am totally not getting enough attention here.”
Janie thumbs his cheek. Pulls his face to hers and kisses him, her tongue darting across his teeth playfully until she coaxes him to play along.
A surge of something—love?—makes Janie’s skin tingle. But it scares her, too, when she thinks of her future, always with this dream curse hanging over her. She never thought she’d be with someone. Never imagined someone would sacrifice so much to deal with her strange problems. Wonders when Cabel will get tired of it all and give up on her.
Desperately she pushes that thought aside. Her lips are hot against his neck.
She tugs at his T-shirt and slips her quivering fingers under it, re-exploring Cabel’s nubbly skin. Touching the scars on his belly, his chest. She knows that Cabel feels the same way she does, sometimes—
like no one would want to be with him because of his issues. Maybe the two of us really could last, Janie thinks. Misfits, united.
Cabel’s fingers trace a slow path from Janie’s shoulder to her hip as they kiss. Then he slips his shirt over his head and tosses it aside.
Presses against her. “That’s a little better,” he whispers in her ear.
“Only a little?”
The winter dusk of late afternoon falls into the room. Janie reaches for her blouse and slowly unbuttons it. Lets it fall open.
Cabel pauses and stares, not sure what to do. He closes his eyes for a moment and swallows hard.
She reaches between her breasts and unhooks her bra.
And then she turns her face slowly toward him. “Cabel?” She looks into his eyes.
“Yes,” he whispers. He can barely get the word out.
“I want you to touch me,” she says, taking his hand and guiding it.
“Okay?”
“Oh god.”
She pulls a newly purchased condom from her pocket.
Sets the package on the skin of her belly.
Reaches for his jeans.
Cabel, momentarily rendered speechless, helpless, and thoughtless except for wanting her, sighs in shudders as he touches her skin, her breasts, her thighs, and then, as the light fades from the window, they are kissing as if their lives depend on their shared breath, and urgently making love for the first time, with their eyes and bodies, like it’s the only chance they’ll ever have.
In the evening, as they lie together in Cabel’s bed, she knows it’s time.
Before she reads the green notebook, before what happens, happens, she needs to say what she feels. Because he is the only one who matters.
She practices in her mind.
Forms the words with her mouth.
Then tries them, softly, out loud.
“I love you, Cabe.”
He’s quiet, and she wonders if he’s sleeping.
But then he buries his face in her neck.
February 1, 2006
Janie spends the school week swapping sexual innuendos with Mr.
Durbin, trading confusing glances with Mr. Wang, and bantering spiteful barbs with Coach Crater.
Cabel tracks down the whereabouts of last semester’s Chem. 2 class.
He’s working madly behind the scenes, not saying much about it.
Controlling his feelings about the creep being near the woman he loves. Knowing if he says what he’s really thinking, the tension grows between them.
“So,” he says carefully, “it’s you and six other students on this trip, plus Durbin. And who’s your female chaperone?” Janie glances up from her chemistry book. “Mrs. Pancake.” Cabel scribbles in his notebook.
“Four girls. You have a room together?”
“No, I thought I’d sleep in Durbin’s room,” Janie says.
“Har, har.” Cabel scowls at Janie, and then tosses her chemistry book aside and tackles her. He buries his fingers into her hair and kisses her.
“You’re asking for trouble, Hannagan,” he growls.
“And you would be…?” Janie asks. She giggles.
“Trouble.”
ON HER OWN
February 5, 2006, 5:15 a.m.
Janie, sprawled out on Cabel’s couch, finally finds Miss Stubin on Janie’s own terms.
She’s on the bench. Miss Stubin is there, next to her. It’s dusk.
Perpetual rain.
“I’m going on an overnight trip with the teacher who we think is the sexual predator. Some of his former students are going too—they may be victims,” Janie says.
“What season is it?” Miss Stubin asks.
Janie looks at her, puzzled. “Winter. It’s February.”
“Wear a bulky coat to disguise the shaking in case you get sucked into a nightmare. Drape it over you. You’re taking a school van?”