She freezes on top of me like I knew she would. What other response can someone have to something like that?
“Adrian… no. You didn’t. You couldn’t.”
“Shhh.” I run my hand through her hair. See her eyes water and wipe away the tears. “Don’t stop, Little Ghost.”
Indecision shows on her face. It’s not as though a comment like mine wouldn’t cause it. She has every right to stop. Probably should stop, but she doesn’t. Instead she takes my hand, the fingers that just wiped her tears and she kisses each one of them.
“I need you,” I tell her. She’s still straddling me as I sit up and grab my bag, pulling out a condom from inside. Her eyes don’t leave my hand as I open the package, roll it on, before I push in, disappearing inside her.
“Oh God… Adrian.”
I lay back and she goes with me. I thrust forward and her hips roll with mine. We move together, in unison. She’s the fire in my veins, the breath in my lungs, and the glue trying to hold each of my scars together.
I’ve had sex. A lot of sex, but nothing like this. Nothing like it is with her. It’s raw and real and fucking incredible.
“You feel so good.” I know if it were possible to save me, to make me feel whole, she would be the one to do it. I can’t be whole again, but it’s nice to pretend.
My hands won’t stop moving. I want to know all of her. Use her as my paper, like she said. Her back, her shoulders. Every part of her I explore while we move together.
“Adrian… I’m…”
“I know, baby. Let go,” I tell her.
And she does. Quivering above me, she lets go. Lets me catch her and then I’m doing the same.
* * *
“I’m hiding! You can’t find me!” Ashton tells me. He’s sitting on the couch with a pillow in front of his face. Angel’s in the kitchen, about to head out to work.
“Ash? Where are you?” I call.
He giggles. “I hide!”
“Adrian. The mail came. You got the placement test results from the college.”
I roll my eyes. I took my GED on my own, not wanting to be a dropout, but she pushed me on the college thing. It’s not that I don’t want it, but who will take care of them? “We’re playing hide-and-seek. I’ll look later.”
“Hide-and-seek can wait. This is huge, little brother.”
“Find me! Find me!” Ashton calls out.
“I’m looking for Ash. Have you seen him?” I ask her.
“Adrian!” Angel groans.
“Find me!” Ashton squeals.
Excitement colors Ashton’s voice, but it does the same for my sister. It drives me crazy sometimes, the way she thinks she’s my mom, but then I remember she’s the only person who’s ever really given a shit and I realize I’m lucky to have her.
“The test results might not matter. What if I don’t get the scholarship?”
She crosses her arms. Ashton keeps yelling “Find me” in the background. “You’re the smartest person I know. You had to write an essay for that scholarship. You’re a beautiful writer, Adrian. There’s no way you won’t get it.”
It feels good to make her proud. Good to know I’ll hopefully make them both proud. I’ve fucked up so much with Mom and then screwing around, when Angel took me in. Maybe this will make up for it all.
“Open it,” I tell her.
She smiles and I know she already did. “You did incredible. Just like I knew you would, you little smart-ass!” She swats me with the paper. “I have something else for you too. This one I didn’t open.”
“I hide! Find me,” Ashton’s little voice calls again. My hands shake as I grab the envelope.
“Ashton? Where are you? I can’t find you!” I open the flap, pull out the paper and read.
“We’re pleased to tell you… Fucking A.”
“Fucking A!” Ash calls.
“Shit!” I glance at the little boy on the couch. “Ashton, don’t—”
“Shit!” he repeats.
“Adrian!” Angel groans. “Watch. Your. Mouth. You have to be careful. We’re the only examples he has.”
I look at the words on the paper again. The ones that say how much talent I have. The ones that offer me money to go to school. “I’m trying to, Angel. I’m going to make both of you proud.”
She hugs me and then “finds” Ashton on the couch, before giving him a hug. “I’m going to work. Have a good day. Oh”—she turns to me—“if you guys go outside, please bring him out back. I hate this corner. The front yard’s too dangerous, especially when the roads are slippery, like they are today.”
I nod to appease her, my eyes scanning the paper again. She’s always overworrying about everything.
“Find me!” Ashton says again. When I look at the couch this time, he’s gone.
My eyes jerk open when the nightmare ends. Delaney’s naked and wrapped in my arms. I pull her close, as close as I can get to her. Why didn’t I listen? Why couldn’t I have done the right thing by them?
“Were you dreaming?” she asks softly.
“Yeah.”
She rolls over so she’s facing me. Leaning up on my elbow, I look down at her. It’s just now dusk outside. The last of the day, disappearing into night. Here, then gone, like Ashton was.
“Can I tell you something? It’s probably not what you want to hear and I know it’s not the right time, but I feel it and I need to—”
“Say it,” I finish for her. “I want to hear whatever you have to say.”
“I know I shouldn’t and I know there’s so much we don’t know about each other and it’s probably wrong of me but… but I’m falling in love with you. And I want you to know. You deserve to know and—”
“Say it again.” I close my eyes. Focus on the words.
“I love you.”
Those words wash through me. Fucking fill me up. She moves closer to me. Buries her face in my chest and I want nothing more than to be the man she deserves. “There have only ever been two people in my life who have loved me, and they both had no choice. And I let them down, Little Ghost. I don’t want to break you too.”
“You won’t, Adrian. God, if you could only see. You’re so much better than you give yourself credit for.”
I let her think that’s true. Wish it was. And I know I should be man enough to return her words, but I can’t, so I give her what I can.
“Haunt me,
my little ghost,
Possess me.
Live inside me,
And scare away my sins
Until there’s nothing left.
But you.”
Chapter Twenty
~Delaney~
In the morning, I don’t have to open my eyes to know I’m alone in the bed. The knowledge adds another weight to the anchor already holding me down. I should be floating. Part of me is. I love Adrian. I really, really do. And he didn’t freak out when I told him. He didn’t say it back and I didn’t expect him to. Maybe I’m even partly glad he didn’t because I wouldn’t want him to admit something like that with the weight of my betrayal between us.
But he didn’t run and the words he spoke were the most beautiful to ever touch my ears. Love and life and all the things that matter in this world live inside Adrian and he’s shown me those pieces of him. I want to honor them and treasure them and lock them away in my heart forever.
Live inside me, he’d said, and I want to be there, the way he already inhabits me.
Which means I have to tell him right away and hope there is some way to salvage what we have between us. Because I know when I do, he might hate me. Odds are he will.
The door to our room clicks and I know it’s absolutely ridiculous, but I keep my eyes closed, not ready to see him. But it’s hard, so very hard because my heart is calling to him and I want to soak in every part of him that I can.
The bed dips next to me and his hand pushes the hair away from my face.
“Don’t open your eyes,” he whispers, which immediately makes them pop open. “I knew you would cheat.” He winks at me.
My heart flips, the way he tossed those perfect pancakes into the air.
He’s not perfect, but he’s sexy and beautifully broken, inspiring and passionate and everything at the same time.
“It’s impossible not to open your eyes when someone tells you not to,” I say.
“Then close your eyes.” His hand moves to my forehead and then slides down, as though it is magical, making my eyes obey.
There’s a rustling sound. My lips stretch into a smile and happiness bursts inside me, sending confetti all through me at the sweet scent that hits my nose.
“Open your eyes now, Little Ghost.”
I do and they fill with tears. I don’t try to stop them as they roll down my face and soak into the pillows we slept on last night.
“You bought me a caramel apple?” My voice cracks.
“Not to make you cry.” He wipes my tears and holds it out to me. “You wear your emotions so openly. That’s a gift. Don’t ever lose that.”
“I won’t.” I can hardly get the words out as I sit up and take the apple from him.
He opens another for himself and we lean against the headboard and eat caramel apples for breakfast, me still naked and him cold from braving the weather.
“Tell me more about you and your father,” he says.
As much as the ache in my stomach hurts with his question, I want to share all of my life with him too. “Maddox used to play football. He was incredible. It was his and Dad’s thing… That stopped all of a sudden. I don’t know why, but then Dad started paying more attention to me. I thought I was lucky. Everything he ever told us was a lie, though. I hate that I looked up to him.” This could maybe be the perfect time to tell him, but it doesn’t feel right to do it here. To tell him away from home where he doesn’t have his friends or anything else familiar to hold on to.
“At least with my old man, I always knew he was a bastard. He only hid it from the world, but not us.”
“Maddox has always been there for me, though. He would do anything for me… maybe that’s not always a good thing. He never does anything for himself and he carries too much blame for things that aren’t his fault.”
I expect Adrian to make a sarcastic comment. It’s not like Maddox made the best impression. The only time they’ve really met, he punched Adrian for no reason. Still, Adrian doesn’t let anything negative past his lips.
“He’s solid, then. Does the right thing for the people he loves. It’s so much fucking easier to be weak.”
“You’re not weak,” I tell him. Maybe it’s not the right thing to say. Maybe I’m not supposed to realize he’s talking about himself, but I do and I hate it. Nerves twitch around inside me, but I ignore them. Turn to him and crawl onto his lap, straddle him, the apple in one hand, and hook a finger of the other under his chin like he’s done to me, so I make sure he’s seeing me. “You are so much more than you see, Adrian.”
“You’re naked and on my lap, baby. It’s not like I’m looking anywhere but at you.” He grins and I know he’s trying not to really hear what I’m saying.
“I’m being serious. I’m not letting you deflect this. You’re like this live energy that gets under my skin. You make me feel alive. You show me beauty in everything. You brought me a caramel apple,” I say again.
“I’ll buy you one every day if it makes you look at me like that,” he says, and then leans toward me. “And if I get to lick the caramel off your lips.” And he does. Then we make love again before I ask him to shower with me.