“I never said I was in love with him.” I focused on the popcorn bowl, methodically tossing it to distribute the chocolate and butter.
“Oh, darlin’, you didn’t have to.” Morgan grabbed my hand. “You wear your heart in those pretty green eyes of yours. You can’t fool me.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. “But I don’t want to love him! That’s stupid, isn’t it? That I’m ridiculously happy, but won’t admit it?”
“Yep, stupid, especially for someone who counts down her days like some morbid Advent calendar.” She grabbed a handful of popcorn. “When did you realize it?”
When did I realize it? I thought and simply…knew. “When he told me that he’d rather burn for just a moment, to really experience love than live a lifetime safe without it.” I sighed. “It was like…he was meant for me, you know? Because that moment might be all I have to give him.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that.”
“He shouldn’t love me. He needs someone who can jump out of planes with him and hike mountains in Nepal. He doesn’t need to be saddled with some invalid girl who can’t do anything but focus on her heartbeat.” I ripped off my watch and slammed it into the counter. “He shouldn’t be with me.”
“Nepal? Love isn’t exactly rational, and neither are you at this moment.” She picked up the watch and checked that I hadn’t broken it. “He won’t leave you, Paisley. If that’s what’s really scaring you, don’t let it. Jagger is a fighter, and he’ll stand by you.”
I swallowed, imagining the pacemaker surgeries, or the small electrical shocks he could get if I chose the internal defibrillator. He’d live in waiting rooms and doctors’ offices. He’d look at me like a heart condition and not…me. I swallowed, damning the situation I’d gotten us both into. “Morgan, I’m not scared he won’t stand by me. I’m terrified he will.”
“Stop—”
But I couldn’t stem the word vomit. “Especially now. I feel fine on these new meds, like I could conquer the world, and yet I’m like the one in one-freaking-billion whose enlarging heart doesn’t stop growing when the rest of me does. He doesn’t deserve this!”
She tilted her head and raised her eyebrow. “He deserves to be happy, the same as you, and he deserves to know the truth. Now, quit your damn whining before the violins start playing sad songs in our kitchen.”
“Ugh. I made such a mess.”
She smiled like a Cheshire cat. “But what a fine mess to be in. Jagger Bateman is in love with you. And you’re in love with him. Do you know how rare that is? That the person you love feels it, too? Trust me, it doesn’t happen as often as you think.”
We were so close to perfect, and one heartbeat away from tragedy. Sixty-six days. How was I going to spend them? “I love him so stupid much.”
Morgan jumped like we were fourteen again. “Eek! Now jump that!”
My cheeks heated, and my pulse leaped, either from embarrassment or thinking of getting my hands on Jagger. Probably both. “You really think that’s the best idea?”
“What did Dr. Larondy say?”
“That as long as I could walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, I’m okay for sex.”
“And did you not walk up our stairs to get changed just a few minutes ago?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Morgan, go find someone and walk up your own stairs.”
She giggled, swatted my backside, and grabbed her handbag from the counter. “Don’t wait up, dear!” The door opened, and I reached for the popcorn. “Ooh, imagine that!”
“What?” I answered, popping four salty, buttery, warm M&M’s in my mouth. I closed my eyes and moaned as the shells cracked and the melty chocolate escaped. So good.
“Holy shit, that’s hot. Would you like me to leave you and your popcorn alone?”
My eyes snapped open at Jagger’s voice, and I swallowed, then ran my tongue across my teeth to make sure I wasn’t about to talk with a chocolate-coated smile. “Hey,” I said softly, not sure what else to say, since my breath left me at the sight of him.
He was dressed in full uniform, his boots heavy as he walked across the tile floor toward me with a vase full of pink peonies. “Happy Valentine’s Day? I didn’t even realize what day it was until I was in the middle of that makeup test.” He put the vase and his cover on the counter, then ran his hands across the top of his hair. It was long, almost too long, and I loved it. He left a foot or so between us, a spark flickering in his eyes that made me feel like we stood at the edge of something big, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what it was. “I’m so sorry I left like that, that I didn’t call.” His voice was low, regretful, and sincere.
“There were no phones in Chicago?”
A smile tugged at the corners of his beautiful mouth. “Actually, there were not. I kind of had it confiscated and didn’t get it back until late last night. By then I just wanted to see you and explain in person, but I had class all day, and a test to make up.”
I took a deep breath. “I think we both have things we need to explain.” I moved toward him until our toes brushed and I had to crane my neck up to see him. With my bare feet and his combat boots, our height difference was even more exaggerated.
He swallowed and nodded. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me. Things I haven’t told anyone, things I don’t have control over. And I want to tell you, but…” He flicked his tongue across his teeth, his absolute tell. Too bad that tongue stud wasn’t in.