The pain was lessened.
I knew that for a fact because the idea of seeing him again smarted.
Hiding the hurt, I shrugged. “Then I guess we’d better get a move on choosing these dresses. We only have a few weeks left.”
“See, that right there”—Dahlia stabbed her half-eaten donut in my direction—“is why I’m worried about you. You’re lying! And you never lie.”
“She’s right,” Jessica agreed. “You always say what is on your mind. The fact that you’re not means this is something we should be concerned about.”
I could feel the panic starting to rise inside of me as they ganged up on me in loving but annoying concern.
“Guys.” Emery was tentatively firm. “Leave Bailey alone. She’s a grown woman, and I think she can handle herself pretty well. If she wants to talk about it, she will. But she doesn’t, so I think we should back off and look at bridesmaid dresses.”
Startled that my rescue had come from such a surprising source, I could only stare at Emery wide-eyed as an admonished Jess and Dahlia left me alone and got back to dress research.
Guilt consumed me.
For as long as I’d known each of these women I’d badgered my way into their lives with my determination to turn them into family. I’d been nosy. I’d been intrusive. And no matter that it had come from a place of kindness, I’d still done it.
I’d done it to Emery, too.
They’d given me their confidences (well . . . Emery would one day, once I was through with her), and they deserved that trust in return.
“I don’t want you to hate him,” I said. When they looked at me astonished, I met Jessica’s gaze. “Vaughn is your friend.”
Her eyes narrowed. “What the hell did he do?”
“Nothing. He didn’t make any promises or . . . I . . . I was stupid.” I looked at the table, watching my fingers knot together. “I’ve always been attracted to him but I didn’t want to be. And it was that whole damsel-in-distress thing.” I laughed hollowly. “Talk about letting my team down. I went weak at the knees as soon as a guy came to my rescue. And . . . I convinced myself that he cared about me.”
“He does care about you,” Jessica insisted. “I know it.”
“I thought I saw that in his eyes when we were together. But when it was over he got out of my bed and he told me that it was a mistake, and I realized all I’d seen was satisfaction that he finally got one over on me.”
Dahlia cursed under her breath.
“I’ve spent too long feeling like I don’t deserve something special, and I promised myself after I left Tom that I would try to do better by myself. Vaughn made me feel second-rate. I need to avoid a man who would make me feel that way.”
“You’re wrong about Vaughn,” Jess said. “He cares about you. He’s just . . . I think he’s scared of you for some reason.”
“And if you’re right? That means getting involved with a man who doesn’t know what he wants. I’m not chasing someone with that many issues.”
“But you’ll happily deal with Rex’s issues?” Jessica challenged.
“Rex is just a friend,” I repeated. “He isn’t a land mine waiting to explode. Vaughn is. My own personal land mine. You don’t know . . . I don’t even know . . . I just . . . I went from not liking that man very much to looking into his eyes and thinking, Wow, I can’t believe he was right in front of me this whole time.” My eyes burned and blurred with tears. “I thought for a moment that that asshole was ‘the one.’ And while I was thinking it, he was just getting off. Do you know how humiliated I was? How stupid that made me feel?”
I brushed impatiently at the tears that slipped down my cheeks, and Emery reached for my free hand. I let her grip it hard.
Dahlia’s and Jessica’s faces were tight with emotion.
“Don’t be mad at him, Jess. Please. You and Cooper are his friends, and he needs that from you.”
“Why do you even care?”
“Because he never promised me anything,” I repeated. “He tried to leave and I threw myself at him. I made him think it was just sex. Any normal hot-blooded male would have done the same. It’s not his fault I thought it was something more.”
“This is messed up.” Dahlia huffed.
“No. It’s just one of those things.” I brushed the conversation aside, wishing I could do the same with my feelings. “Now, can we look at dresses?”
There was a moment of quiet from my friends.
Jess pointed to a dress in one of the magazines. “We can rule out pink. I don’t want pink.”
“Good.” I was relieved for many reasons. “Pink clashes with my hair.”
FIFTEEN
Bailey
It was official: I was an idiot.
How else did you explain the fact that I was standing in the lobby of Paradise Sands Hotel knowing full well I was being manipulated by a would-be matchmaker?
Jessica had called me that morning.
“I need you with Cooper and me today. I want your opinion on our final plans for the reception room.”
Uh-huh. Yeah. I called bullshit. Except only in my head.
“Oh. Right. Well sure, of course,” I’d answered.
At the time I couldn’t believe the words had come out of my mouth. Only yesterday I was so sure that Vaughn’s absence was a good thing for me. But I let Jess manipulate me . . . because I wanted to see him. I wanted to be able to be around him and feel okay. To be strong. To have him finally know, or at least think, that he hadn’t gotten to me, that I wasn’t in the least bit humiliated.