That I was a vampire, born to two other vampires and destined to become like them someday.
That Evernight was full of vampires, that the school existed for us to teach us about the changing world and to protect us from people who were frightened of us because they didn’t understand.
That I’d bitten him the night of the Autumn Ball, not meaning to hurt him but because I’d wanted to be near him so much.
The words gushed out of me. It was a mess, really; I’d never tried to tell these secrets before and I kept repeating myself, putting things badly, or asking questions I wasn’t sure of the answer to. That didn’t matter. What mattered was telling Lucas the truth at last.
Finally, I wrote:
I’m not telling you all of this because I expect to get you back. I know I don’t deserve that, not after what I did, and even though you’re not in danger at Evernight, I guess you don’t want to come anywhere near the school ever again.
Mostly I’m writing to ask you, please, if you haven’t already told anyone what you saw here, don’t. Don’t show anyone this e-mail. Keep this secret for me. If the truth got out, my parents and Balthazar and a lot of the other students would be in danger, and it would be all my fault. I couldn’t bear it if I were responsible for hurting anybody.
I didn’t tell any of them that you saw me and Erich up on the roof. I did that to keep you safe. You can do that much for me in return, right? That’s all I ask. Maybe it’s more than I deserve, but it’s not about me. It’s about the people who could get hurt.
I also wanted you to know that I do care enough about you to tell you the truth. I’m sorry that I waited until too late. But I hope it means something to you when you understand how I really feel.
I’ll never stop missing you.
Good-bye, Lucas.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I quickly hit Send. As soon as I’d done it, a chill swept through me. What if Lucas didn’t listen to me? What if the e-mail I’d sent didn’t convince him to remain silent—but instead just provided him with evidence?
Maybe I should have regretted it, but I didn’t. Maybe Lucas couldn’t trust me any longer, but I still trusted him.
I didn’t really expect Lucas to answer. However, expectations are different from hopes. I kept rechecking my e-mail that whole next day, and the next, and then throughout Christmas Day, whenever I could slip away from the unwrapping of gifts.
No answer from Lucas.
New Year’s Day. Nothing.
I’d told myself that the truth was worth telling for its own sake, and I believed it. But that didn’t make it any easier to face the fact that my confession had meant nothing. Lucas was still gone for good.
Chapter Twelve
WHEN THE STUDENTS RETURNED TO THE school, I stood on the front steps, hoping to see a friendly face. I knew Lucas wouldn’t return. Although I kept fantasizing that I saw him, it was just my imagination playing cruel tricks. In some ways, I told myself, today would be a turning point. When Lucas didn’t show, I’d at least be certain. Instead of torturing myself with useless wishes for something that couldn’t be, I could face the hard facts and force myself to keep going.
If I was going to do that, I’d need the few friends I still had at Evernight.
I glimpsed Raquel making her way through the crowd, huddled over and nervous. I realized why she was so nervous when I turned my head and saw Erich watching her intently from the top of the steps. Quickly I went to her side and shouldered one of her bags. “You came back,” I said. “I wasn’t sure you would.”
“I didn’t want to.” Raquel kept staring down at her feet. “No offense. I would’ve missed you. But I didn’t want to see him again.” There was no need to explain who she was talking about.
“Didn’t you tell your parents?” I’d figured they would call Mrs. Bethany, furious that Erich hadn’t been expelled, and maybe withdraw Raquel from the academy altogether.
She shrugged. “They thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. They always do.”
I remembered how moved Raquel had been when I’d said that I believed her; now I understood why. “I’m sorry.”
“Whatever. I’m back. I have to deal. Besides, I lost my favorite bracelet here right before the break. Had to come back to find that, at least.”
I glanced over my shoulder at Erich. His dark eyes remained locked on us. When he saw me watching him, one corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk. Disgusted, I turned my head back toward the crowd—
Lucas.
No. It couldn’t be. It was just my imagination trying to fool me again, so that I’d get my hopes up. There was no way Lucas would ever come back to Evernight, not after what he’d seen and what I’d told him.
But then the crowds parted, and I saw him clearly, and I realized that I was right. Lucas had returned.
There he was, just a few steps away. He looked scruffier than he had before—his bronze hair unruly, his threadbare navy sweater more beat-up than his Evernight uniform was. On him, it looked amazing.
I brightened when I saw him; I couldn’t help it. As soon as our eyes met, Lucas turned away, like he didn’t know what else to do. It felt like a slap in the face.
My first impulse was to drop Raquel’s bag and flee to the restroom before I started bawling right there on the steps. But that second, a plaid blur raced by me and tackled Lucas from behind. “Lucas!” crowed Vic. “My man! You’re back.”
“Get off me.” Lucas laughed as he pushed Vic away.
“Check it out.” Vic fished in his backpack and pulled out an honest-to-God pith helmet, like they used to wear in old safari movies. He showed it to me and Lucas both; apparently Vic hadn’t realized that we weren’t standing together. “How great is that?”
“You’re never going to get away with wearing that to class,” I said, pretending that everything was okay. Maybe Lucas would pretend, too, and that would give me an opening to talk to him. “They let you wear the Chucks, but I think a pith helmet is pushing it.”
“I intend to wear it around Casa del Lucas y Victor.” Vic placed the hat on his head to demonstrate. “For casual relaxation and study time. Whattaya think, Lucas?”
Nobody answered. Lucas had already vanished into the crowd.
Vic turned back to me, clearly confused by his roommate’s disappearing act. I was confused, too—but I couldn’t imagine why Lucas had come back at all.
Obviously it was going to take Lucas a while before he could talk to me again. Given what he’d learned about me, Evernight, and vampires, I figured he probably deserved as much time as he needed. Until then, there was nothing for me to do but wait.
A couple of days later, as I got ready for class, I pretended to be really fascinated by Patrice’s tales of her Swiss holiday.
“I’m always shocked that there are people who claim to prefer skiing in Colorado.” Patrice wrinkled her nose. Did she honestly think every place in America was tacky? Or was she compensating for something, pretending to be more sophisticated than she really was? Now that I kept so many secrets myself, I was starting not to take everyone at face value. “Switzerland is so much more civilized, I think. And you meet a more interesting cross section of people.”